Coach of the Year

Like many others, I often dream of coaching in the big leagues. I mean, we all have to release our inner Bobby Knight somehow, right?

Personally, I just want to be able to say, “Take a knee,” and not get slapped.

This dream of tossing chairs at people, sadly, has died for some random guy in Massachusetts.

Deemed “too extreme” to coach first and second-grade girls’ soccer, the guy was forced to give up his dream of watching little girls kick balls half their size in the general direction of a net literally hundreds of miles away.

The offense? Sending out an email so chock-full of crazy pills even Mugatu crossed the street when he saw it coming.

I guess it’s phrases like this that scare the parents of Suburbia:

[Parents] in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks.

Or:

Don't animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn't grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food.

All I hope is that the game that they’re killing is not the mocha-latte-half-caf-chino drinking yuppies. I can’t imagine soy-eaters and vegans have much nutritional value.

Alas, the coach is now fired, just because of an email that he probably intended as funny and instead came off as sociopathic. We’ve all been there, but most of us have the fortune of not having ended up on Deadspin. Yet.

I still think the man’s a hero just because of this quote:

“My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people.”

Hear, hear, bro. Because chanting “The ref beats his wife,” is a great way to expose domestic abuse.