What Happens in Mexico ...

... Apparently becomes news everywhere.

I know things are bad in Mexico. In the drug towns, it's medieval times all over the place. In a redefinition of irony, the special ops trained specifically to fight the drug cartels now work for them. In some towns, the cartels threatened to kill a police officer every 24 hours until the police chief resigned. That city's mayor is now in exile in the U.S.

So yeah, things are bad.

Naturally, as the resident expert on Mexico, dozens of concerned gringos have to come to me for guidance. With great worry in their eyes, they all ask the same question.

"Yo, this doesn't affect my spring break, does it?"

Despite colleges all over the U.S. parroting the State Department's alert -- not warning, mind you -- that the Northern border with Mexico is not the safest block on the street, tourists will always be OK.

Let me emphasize.

Tourists will be OK.

The fighting is at the border, in the drug towns. The cartels are fighting each other for control, and the Mexican army for survival. They're clearly winning.

Cabo, Puerto Vallarta, Cancun, all the fun wooooo! places are fine and sunny and abounding with girls with low self esteem.

In fact, 95 percent of Mexico, I would say, is safe. You can go to Mexico and have your usual terrific time.

Even if you go to Tijuana ("The happiest place on Earth," as Krusty called it), the border towns should still be OK for tourists. Yes, there's a danger of collateral damage, but even if you're standing next to the drug dealers you should be OK.

Why?

Rule number one of business.

Never kill your customers.

UPDATE: Man, even the CIA is terrified. But again, this would be like the folks behind Hostess Cupcakes wasting the attendants of a comic book convention. Everyone chill.