Live Together, Die Together

I don't even know where to begin for this one. I guess I'll do it the old-fashioned way, providing random commentary about Jack and Locke and company and then present my unified theory of everything at the end. So, without further ado:

Desmond. Long the most objectified character on Lost (see, the Constant, the Package, etc.), the great Scot once again pulled a reverse anthropomorphication and became the Weapon.

Remember when Widmore said that Desmond would have to make a great sacrifice in order to save the Island and everybody else? I assume that this means that Desmond was supposed to go spelunking, take out the plug, render the Smoke Monster human, wait for someone else to kill Smocke, get the all-clear, put the plug back in, and then die.

Of course, Jack basically did this for him. For some reason, despite Desmond being extra special and resistant to electromagnetism, he just couldn't hack it and Jack, displaying his new Jacob powers, had to pinch hit. I'm not sure why Desmond unable to perform -- I guess he thought electromagnetism would save him from the hot tub time machine. But all he could do was pass out and have Jack pull a Harry Stamper tossing Ben Affleck off the meteorite.

On the other hand, Sideways Desmond continued his reign as that world's resident Superman, bringing everyone together in an effort to reanimate them.

And that meant receiving Christian Shephard's coffin. No wonder airlines lose so much luggage. Hey, who does this box that says "HUMAN REMAINS" belong to? "Me, brotha!" Oh, OK. Here you go. Nah, I don't need to see ID. You're wearing a suit. Enjoy!

Claire. So Claire didn't want to leave the Island because she didn't want her son to think she was crazy?

Claire bear, you new mother, I got news for you. He will always think you're crazy, even without the squirrel baby. Sorry.

But I have to say, that part where she had the new Aaron and she and Charlie got re-activated and became a family again? Tremendous stuff. I was surprised by how emotional that scene turned out to be, if only because Charlie was being such a sodding wanker. But he sure sobered up quickly, didn't he? I guess becoming an instant stepfather will do that to you.

Also, the sign on the passed out Charlie reading, "Bass Player. Wake me up for the show." Brilliant.

Ben. Perhaps the most inexplicable part of this episode was when a tree fell on Ben, snapping him in half, and everybody was standing around like, how the eff are we going to get him out? And then we cut to another scene and there's Ben Linus running around like nothing happened? Huh? Did I black out? My assumption is the writers couldn't fit everything into a 2.5 hour finale, and something had to go. Sorry, Ben's miraculous escape from under a two-ton tree. Maybe in the DVD.

On the other hand, everyone who suspected Ben had been un-redeemed feels pretty stupid now, huh? The moment he was revealed to be in cahoots with Miles was a nice surprise, but it pales in his heroic attempt to push Hurley (again, push Hurley) out of the way of the falling tree. Killing off Hugo might have been the show's cruelest twist ever, but that did not happen, thanks to Ben.

And then, off in the Sideways world, Ben was reactivated? How? Where did we miss that?

Poor Benjamin Linus, getting the short end of the narrative stick.

Jin and Sun. OK. So when people regain their memories and become reactivated, some little bird also whispers in their ear that they have to smirk at those who have not yet been reactivated, and act all smug and knowing. Right?

Here's when it worked -- when Hurley saw Charlie. When it didn't work was with the Kwons confusing the crap out of Sawyer. Yes, you're happy to see your buddy again, and I guess it's ironic that he's a cop. But do you really have to hit him with an ominous "I'll see you later?"

Juliet. DID YOU SEE HER IN THAT DRESS? Holy Cannoli. Jack, you may have performed a stunningly selfless act of self-sacrifice, but it is your fault that we didn't get to see Juliet for a whole season, and for that I will never forgive you. Damn you, Jack. Damn you.

That said, her reunion with Sawyer was all kinds of awesome. By this point, we all knew that Jack's ex-wife had to be Juliet and that she would run into Sawyer and they would hook up at the concert. Instead, they hooked up in hospital waiting room.

And I have to admit, that scene kind of wrecked me a little bit a lot it's really hard to pretend not to cry in front of other people, OK? Now let's all move on before I lose it again.

Sawyer. OK, so my prediction that Sawyer was going to be all kinds of awesome to redeem himself did not quite pan out. If anything, my complaint is that he did not have enough to do on the Island. Besides hitting Ben in the face (Drink!), he kind of just stood there while everything happened around him.

But props to him for volunteering to help clean Kate's chest injury. Well played there.

While I would have loved for Sawyer to get one final chance to redeem himself, and would have loved to see him do more during this episode, I guess we'll have to do with him being sufficiently chastened and sobered up by Jack's commanding way of taking the self-sacrifice role. That "Thank you for everything, doc" moment was a far cry removed from Season 1 Sawyer, and even from the beginning of this last season when all he wanted to do was beat the doctor to death. Burying the hatchet was a good way to go, and if the writers could not fully redeem Sawyer, at least they gave him an effective moment of self-understanding to close out his arc.

On the other hand, they did grant him a resolution, didn't they? If my great unifying theory is right, then Sawyer got to move on to the great beyond with Juliet, and bringing them back together was the natural and terrific conclusion for both those characters. Good for them.

Kate. At the risk of repeating myself, DID YOU SEE HER IN THAT DRESS? Holy Cannoli. Bravo, Sideways Desmond, you skeeze. Bravo indeed.

So I guess I just revealed my weakness. Hot women in black dresses. If any ladies out there would like to exploit that weakness, I'd have no problem with that.

Oh, and everybody who had Kate in the "Who Gets to Kill Smokey" poll, raise their hands. That was like the Kansas City Royals winning the World Series. Seriously, if you took that prop bet, congrats. You are a rich, rich man.

While I think that Kate lost the "emotional center of the show" role to Hurley a long time ago, I do have to say that she became a lot less annoying as the season progressed. All she wanted to do was make sure everyone was safe. The rekindling of Jack-Kate felt a little forced, but Kate really sold me on their goodbye scene. I'm glad they brought this character back from the brink. She served the show well.

And I have to say, I am left with no other choice but to conclude that Claire and Kate were going to be together when the Ajira plane landed in Guam. And that makes me very happy indeed.

Sayid. Wow. Sayid's version of heaven is Shannon? Poor bastard can't catch a break, can he?

Was anyone else bothered by this? Wasn't Nadia his soulmate? I know she's married to his brother, which is kind of an issue. But Shannon? Really?

OK. Here's my guess as to why Shannon.

Everyone got re-activated when they saw something they loved, right? Something that meant something to them on the Island. Whether it was Charlie meeting Claire, Locke being able to walk, or Sawyer and Juliet holding hands, it is something with deep emotional significance to which the castaways would be attached. And it was easy to pick out what moment would serve that purpose for each and every character.

Except for Sayid.

Seriously, the poor bastard had nothing going for him on the Island. He was the go-to guy, the most resourceful character on the Island, yet I am wracking my brain and trying to find something on the Island that made Sayid happy, and am coming up with nothing. Except for Shannon.

Remember a few recaps ago, when I said that Sayid smiling or laughing should be a SHOT rule for the drinking game, 'cause we never saw it? It's because there was nothing for him to smile about. So when the writers came to this episode and were trying to figure out how to reactivate Sayid, they drew a blank. Then they sighed, and said grudgingly, I guess it has to be Shannon. And that was that.

Alpert. So the only reason Alpert didn't die last week is so they could show us that he was indeed aging and was going to have to join the Hair Club for Men?

Of course, his immediate thought upon coming back to it was that they have to blow up the plane. Didn't you get the memo, Richard? You're about four episodes too late to the party.

I guess there's a certain irony to Richard being one of the few who got off the Island, but I still think his character and the show would have been better served with Smokey killing him last week. It would have been a more fitting end than having him fly off on the plane.

Lapidus. Also not dead. Funny how Alpert found him. These quasi-deads tend to run into each other, huh?

And why did he keep tossing the radio away like a baby who just wants to make his tortured parents go pick up the rattle?

I guess this might be as good a time as any to mention that I really enjoyed the Target commercials. The smoke detectors for the Smoke Monster? Brilliant. You sold out, but at least it was funny.

Miles. Dude, if my airline ever fixes a problem with duct tape, they are getting hit with a lawsuit so quickly, they'd wished the plane had crashed. Also, way to pull that soldering torch out of your utility bat-belt behind.

Faraday. I guess it's nice that it was his piano concert where everyone was set to reunite. Yanni Faraday Live at the Acropolis. Kind of has a nice ring to it.

(By the way, can I give a shout-out to the composer, Michael Giacchino? The music on this episode was tremendous).

Also, way to once again hit on Charlotte -- who, it bears repeating, cleans up amazingly -- rocking the skinniest tie in the history of skinny ties. Good for him for keeping it one notch short of a bolo tie. It might work for Ken Salazar, but I don't imagine it would work for Twitchy.

Hurley. Dude, stop playing with my emotions. The stupid, thrilled grin on Hurley's face when he sees Charlie was amazing. And his bear hugs at the Church reunion were awesome.

BUT STOP CRYING, GODDAMNIT. Nothing breaks your heart like Hurley crying. Nothing. So stop. Please. I beg you.

Remember last episode, when Hurley said that he was glad he wasn't the protector? Now what lesson did we learn today? That's right! Never count your chickens before you go down the hatch. Or something like that.

And now he's the protector, which kind of sounds like the worst job in America. Kudos to Jorge Garcia for playing the anointment scenes with the terrified reaction everyone in the world would have. This guy never gets noticed among the other flashier actors like Terry O'Quinn and Michael Emerson, but Hurley absolutely killed it this season. Props.

Oh, and Hurley made Ben Linus Assistant to the Regional Manager, which is nice. I'm sure those two had a lot of fun together, eating Apollo bars.

Locke. Well, let's dispense with Smokey first. Tossing Desmond into the hot tub time machine seemed to be working out for him, as the Island began to shudder and shake and break apart. I don't know if becoming mortal was part of his plan -- when he realized that he was made to bleed his own blood, he really should have made sure Jack was dead so that he could finally escape the Island.

Instead, we got an epic Jack-Locke fight, where the flying punch beats knife every time. Maybe Jack got confused and thought they were playing rock-paper-scissors. I bet you one of the alternate endings is Smocke opening his hand to show his palm and winning. But he did not, and finally, the Smoke Monster lay busted on the rocks

On the other hand, it was nice to see John Locke -- the real one -- again. I would call it a resurrection, but it wasn't really, not if everyone's dead. Think of it as all Lockes go to heaven. But it was nice to spend one more hour with everyone's favorite character.

Also, it's nice to see that a massive spinal reconstruction qualifies as an outpatient procedure these days. Technology is amazing!

If I'm following the sideways timeline correctly, Locke walked into Jack's office shortly after breakfast, found himself in pre-op right after lunch (one hopes he found time to call Helen Bundy and give her a heads-up), was operated on, regained full use of his lower extremities, and left the hospital to join the carnival to heaven all on the same day.

So let's take a moment to thank Obama for fixing health care. On behalf of John Locke, Namaste.

Jack. In the end, this was a show about Jack. Even though he seemed to lose relevance in the last couple of seasons (his character seemed like it had run its course), this whole thing was about Jack finding himself so he could sacrifice his life in a very unsubtle Christ-like way so that his friends could be saved.

Look, I've given Jack a lot of grief over the course of the show, and I maintain that most of it is deserved. But all of the failings, all of the senseless actions, all of the mistakes which resulted in the death of so many people were necessary so that Jack could make those mistakes and grow and eventually become mature enough and responsible enough to attain his ultimate purpose. Without learning from his many shortcomings, Jack could not have gotten to the point where he needed to make the sacrifice that the Island demanded, so that he could save his friends and save the world. And you have to respect that.

So, in the immortal words of Harry Dunne:

"Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself! "

Also, major major props for the "You disrespect his memory by wearing his face" put-down of Smocke, who was toying with Locke's memories. That might have been the best fuck you on the entire run of the show. Well done.

And all of this so that Sideways Jack could remember and be made whole. No matter how many times he was pushed, he couldn't take that final step. Like when Kate awkwardly tries to pick up Jack after the reception. Though I have to admit, if a woman who looked like that came at me at a party out of nowhere, and started flirting and being all coy, I would follow her anywhere she wanted me to go. And then I'd be out either a kidney or $200. But seriously, how do you say no to that dress?

And where does she want to go? The after-party! Now, I've never had an after-party at a church, but Jesus turned the water into wine, so what the hell.

I have more thoughts on the church scene below, but I liked how this, fittingly, all ended with Jack in a bamboo patch. Except he's dying. And in the place where he once woke up, today, with a final closing of his eye, we're done.

My grand unifying theory. OK. Here's what I think happened. I think the Sideways world was heaven/quasi-heaven/purgatory. It was this place that all the castaways created based on their deepest desires. Yes, I know that Shannon was there. But it reflected, more or less, what would be a happy ending for everybody.

And since it was this kind of heaven, the only way to get there was by dying. And no matter when all the castaways died, they all ended up there, every single one of them. I believe that the Ajira plane made it off without incident and that Sawyer, Kate, Miles, and all the people on that plane got to go and live their lives. And when they died, whenever that was, they came back to the Sideways universe, to rejoin that universe and make it whole.

And that's why people needed to remember so they could be made whole and move on. That's why everyone was so happy even after they remembered that they kind of drowned and died. Because, somehow, regaining their memories of their past lives was necessary to make them whole. Without being made whole, they could not move on, and that's why it was necessary for them to become "reactivated" and remember just why they were there in the first place.

And once everyone was completely aware of everything, they could move on. They could move on to heaven or to a more perfect world. That's why Eloise Hawking got so sad when Desmond said he and everyone else were moving on and asked if he was taking her boy. Because they had to go on, and get the world they always dreamed of and wanted. Sawyer and Juliet. Desmond and Penny. Claire and Charlie and Aaron as the new family. It's everyone's idea of heaven and all it needed was that last push.

I know some people are thinking that maybe they all died in the original crash, and it was all a dream, all because they saw the shots panning across the beach with the Oceanic wreckage. I think they're wrong. I don't think for one minute that the footage of the wreck was anything but a nice parting shot, something to be played as the credits rolled. I think the story ended fittingly, with Jack closing his eye, and the series coming full circle.

My take. Look, I understand why some people are annoyed with this episode. It became very religious, it ended in a very ambiguous way with a lot of confusing exposition, and the way some could interpret that ending could be seen as a cop-out. If you believe that they have all been dead, and that nothing mattered, I can see why you'd hate it.

But I believe that interpretation is wrong, and have offered up my own. I don't think the end was a cop-out, I think it was the opposite. Although you could sneer and say that it ended with everyone on a Magic Church Bus to Heaven, it didn't.

If you believe, like me, that the Island world did happen and that everyone was waiting in limbo/Sideways world for everyone to die and regain their memories of how they got there so they could move on, then everything mattered.

The island world mattered because it got them all to that point. That's why the deaths have such resonance. Locke did get strangled to death by Ben in a dusty motel room. Juliet died. Jack died. All these people did die, and they have resonance because they happened. They had to sit there in limbo and wait until everyone passed so they could all be whole and together again.

And the sideways world mattered because it gave everyone closure. It closed the arcs for all of the characters in a satisfying way, and tied up almost all of the loose threads as they relate to the characters, which is basically the main reason we watch the show.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. We don't watch this show because we want to see what happened when a bunch of people get transported back in time to a hippie commune. No, we watch it because we care about what happens to these characters. We want to know what happens to Hurley and Jack and Sawyer.

And the finale delivered that in spades. Everyone got their happy ending. The finale resolved the thing we care the most about -- the characters -- in very satisfying ways.

Sawyer reuniting with Juliet as she sobs in his arms. Locke, amazed and grateful to the point of tears, telling Jack that he hopes someone will do for Jack the same thing that Jack did for Locke. Linus begging for forgiveness and getting it from a Locke who stands up and walks.

Moments like that are the reason we watch this show. If scenes like that didn't do it for you, then I don't know what else to tell you. For me, watching those and other scenes in a way that closed the book on these characters I've been watching for over 120 hours was a deeply satisfying and very emotional way to close out the show.

I have to think some more about what it all means -- I still have to fully digest it -- but I'm very happy I jumped on the Lost train. And I really like where it dropped me off. Well done.

Fanning the Flames

How big is Lost this week? Not only did we have our standard Tuesday episode, but on Sunday we have a two-hour retrospective, a two-and-a-half hour finale, and then a one-hour reunion show. That's coverage to rival the Super Bowl right there. I mean, they even canceled the news on Sunday just to give the show an extra half hour. The news! All I'm saying is nothing better happen this weekend, because preempting half an hour of Jack crying with half an hour of Glenn Beck crying would really suck.

This episode did a pretty good job of setting us up for the end, ably disposing with non-essential personnel so that we may focus on the castaways we actually care about. And without further ado.

Jacob. Alright, everyone, take a knee around the campfire so I can tell you what I probably should have told you three years ago, before you all killed each other. And then we can sing Kumbaya. It's an interesting strategy, let's see how it works out.

So the castaways are chosen because they are flawed. And they are needed because Jacob screwed up and created the smoke monster. I'm unclear now on whether the new Jacob has to protect the Island and keep the monster as the Yang to his Yin, or whether he now has to destroy the monster so that everyone might live happily ever after. If I was a candidate, I would have asked a few more questions -- what are the hours like? Vacation time? Benefits? Do I get a company car? But then again, it is hard to compete against the impulsive guy who screams, "I'LL DO IT" and jumps up before the job description is over.

So now we come to the big question. The Island protector. Who wants the job? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

I fully expected the castaways to all go "Not it!" It was like when you're sitting around with your friends drinking, and then you run out of beer, so someone has to go on a beer run.

But no. Jack eagerly takes the mantle of Beer Bitch and becomes Jacob's replacement. Mazel tov, Doctor Giggles.

Jack. Sawyer had it right when he cracked about Jack having a God-complex. Kate, however, also had it right when she pulled the "I'm asking you to shut up by saying your name in an ominous tone" card that is so effective when played by mothers and wives.

So yes, there is something selfless about Jack choosing to stay on a desert Island so that everyone else might leave and be happy. But if you think that there isn't a hint of arrogance by choosing to be the chosen one, I have some real estate overhanging the river I'd love to talk to you about.

I actually thought this was all a little too neat and tidy. Nobody argued, nobody said "think about this" (granted, that would probably not work with Jack), nobody even made a half-assed "No, dude, I'll take the check" out of courtesy, like people do at birthday dinners.

It was all so neatly packaged, that I kept expecting something to happen. When Jack was about to drink from the holy grail, I actually thought he was going to get a knife in the back. Now wouldn't that have been an awesome way for Jack to go? At the cusp of redemption, and he doesn't get to complete it? Can you imagine how completely shocking and cruel that would have been?

Instead, I imagine next episode will bring the full repercussions of this. I'm still not convinced Jack will end up as the Island's protector -- something has to happen to Jack next episode, right?

And if not to Jack, can something happen to his kid? I wish I could find it online, but does anyone remember a Calvin and Hobbes strip where Calvin builds a duplicator which only duplicates the good parts of you, and so a cloned Calvin comes out, except he's sickeningly good, always doing his homework, cleaning his room, and writing love songs to Susie Derkins? I can't find it online, but the good Calvin is such an insufferable bastard. Jack's son reminds me of that. Hey dad, I made breakfast. Hey dad, I have a concert tonight. Hey dad, don't be weird to mom. I hate that kid.

Also, if Jack's ex-wife doesn't turn out to be Juliet, who then goes home with Sawyer at the concert, I'll eat my hat.

Sawyer. He's really beating himself up on this one, and with good reason. The folks up at Vulture have given us a handy Sawyer Likability Index, which basically never veers off into unlikability territory.

And that's because everything Sawyer does makes sense. Even when he blew up the sub and kind of killed half his friends, it makes sense. The last time he listened to Jack the Bomb Expert, his fiancee got killed.

And even though he got it wrong, and it wracks him with guilt -- the scene where he stands at the water and watches pieces of the sub softly wash up on the shore is devastating -- you know the gears are grinding.

Why? Because Sawyer is never as quiet as he was this episode. Just one asshole comment? That ain't the Sawyer we know. He's sitting back, contemplating his options, and you just know he's going to save everyone in a blaze of glory next week. Count on it. When all is said and done, Sawyer's going to be the biggest hero on the show.

Kate. So if you have a baby, that means you probably don't want to take care of the Island, so your name gets crossed out? I don't know. Given the choice between taking care of someone else's screaming baby or living on an Island in the South Pacific where there are guns, monsters, and a lot of hot women, I'd get on that boat every day of the week.

Alpert. Is he dead? He joins Lapidus on the Dead (Maybe???) list this week. I'm not quite ready yet to ask for a minute of silence for our good friend Richard, who took one on the mouth and was flung back by the Smoke Monster. Maybe it was because he didn't walk out into the jungle with his hands up, as is his usual entrance.

I'm sure our good friend Mr. Eko was a lot tougher than Richard, but when Smokey killed the man with the Jesus stick, he had to beat the ever loving crap out of him. Human beings are tough. They go much harder than Richard did here tonight. Any other season and I'd never give him up for dead, but with one episode left, maybe he is.

Although, if that was the ageless wonder's death scene, that's kind of lame.

Ben. Unfortunately, Linus has been somewhat irrelevant this season, which has turned into an explanation of how the castaways fit into a power struggle between two demi-gods. This means that once great characters have been relegated to the background, and the Machiavellian awesomeness that is Ben Linus has been relegated to a bit part. We can probably count on one hand the number of times Linus has been on screen since his episode showcase, and that's a shame.

It seems, however, that we are finally getting a bit of the scheming Linus back, which is terrific. Last night's episode had him back in full "what the heck is his angle now?" mode, in between agreeing to help Widmore, then cornering him in a concrete bunker and bringing Smocke there, then killing Widmore, then agreeing to kill more people on behalf of Smocke. God knows what his plan is -- Linus always plays things close to the vest -- but it was a relief to see that Linus is going to play a big part in the finale.

Over on Sideways world, it was also nice to see Linus get beaten up again, as is his calling in life. More surprising was the kind of creepy teacher-turns-into-dad development. For a second, I thought crazy-jungle-lady-turned-soccer-mom Rousseau and Dr. Linus were going to go at it in the kitchen while Alex worked on her algebra homework twenty feet away, but the producers cut away just in time.

Also, can we give props to Emerson for killing it again this week? I can't choose between his reaction to standing on Alex's grave, his reaction to learning that he was a father figure to Sideways Alex, or his completely terrified face and posture when he sat on the porch to wait for Smocke as his stand-out moments of the episode. But this guy can bring it.

Oh. And Linus also has something hidden in the closet, behind the suits. Eerie.

Locke. I got the impression that Smocke wants to destroy everyone and everything, not just on the Island, but everywhere.

Also, if I might invent another drinking game rule, I would add, "Smocke Ponders" to the list. Go back to the episode and count the number of times Smocke tilts his head and considers what's happening. Something about the behavior of other humans truly perplexes him, even after 2,000 years of manipulation. Mankind never fails to surprise him.

And I really hope we get a huge showdown next week, and that the show doesn't end with Desmond diving into the Hot Tub Time Machine and Smocke spontaneously exploding a la Agent Smith in the first Matrix movie.

Desmond. He turned this into an episode of Prison Break, didn't he? In between almost running over Locke again, beating the tar out of Linus (I'll see you at the parking lot!), and then breaking into a co-ed holding cell (really, LAPD? You put women next to the drunk tank?? Are you insane?), and then breaking them out via a enlightened Hurley, Desmond was on a tear this episode.

And was it just me, or did the dress that he got for Kate seem too small, even for her? I ain't complaining, but Sideways Desmond is kind of a skeeze.

How about Ana Lucia as a crooked cop? I still say $145,000 to break out three prisoners, two of whom are facing homicide charges, and one of whom can easily be accused of attempted murder, is a little on the low side. That's some bad haggling there, Rambina.

Oh, and dude, calling someone to say you found their dead father when you don't have their dead father is ice cold. And the "I'm trying to help him let go" defense won't get you out of an A&B charge. Sorry.

Claire. Oh hey, random half-sister, half-aunt who is like 10 months pregnant. We completely forgot you were living with us. And now we're going to have to clean up when your water breaks. Yayyyy. Best living arrangement. Ever.

Widmore. I thought Ben couldn't kill Widmore, that it was against the rules. I guess I was wrong. That or the rules don't matter.

We still don't know what the deal is with Charlie Brown Widmore, but it seems fitting that he met his end at the hands of Ben. "He doesn't get to save his daughter" was pretty bad-ass. And how about the "I ain't going to tell you in front of Ben" conversation. It just goes to show that Ben Linus really was middle management. How he was not the vice-principal in the Sideways world is beyond me.

I wish we could have seen more of a Linus-Widmore showdown, but that will have to do. Widmore's story in the Island world struck me as being over -- his main purpose seemed to be to bring in Desmond and microwave him to see if he could attack the Monster. So now that he did, all there was to do was wait for his comeuppance.

And now, the finale. I will confess to being a bit skeptical around the middle of the season about where this was all going, but these last few episodes (with the exception of the Goofus and Gallant one) seem to have us back on track again. In other words, I like where we are going. Let's get excited.

Goofus and Gallant Land on an Island

Since we only have three and a half hours left -- and that doesn't account for V commercials, which would be great if they only showed Elizabeth Mitchell -- I was really hoping tonight's episode answered a lot of questions. In fact, I wanted it to answer enough questions so that we may arrive next week, ready for death and resolutions and expectant of the other huge batch of explanations that have to account for the sideways world.

In other words, unless the answers are related to the sideways world, I am not sure that, after tonight, we'll have any more time for explanations from things that happened in the past five seasons. So, unless they answered those questions in this episode, they would always remain questions, and there would always be someone in a bar complaining about how they remained questions.

So today we kind of got half of that. We learned, kind of, where Jacob and Smokey came from, what their deal was. We got a tenuous idea of what their rules are. We should, I suppose, be satisfied that the explanation for why the Island is the way it is hinges basically on "It's Magic."

But we did not learn how and when the two brothers decided that playing people against each other would make for good wagering. We didn't learn how long they've been there, and how many times this conflict has played itself out. We didn't learn why and how the Others are the Others -- unless they are the descendants of the survivors of the crazy mother rampage, but she didn't seem sloppy enough to leave survivors -- and what their deal is, and, most importantly, we don't know what Jacob's motivation is, which is kind of the reason everyone is on the Island.

So there's still a lot to wrap up within the next two episodes. In light of that, I guess it makes sense that the writers killed off half the cast last week.

Nevertheless, the Jacob-Smokey origin story was fairly interesting. And now I'm never complaining about my mother again not complaining about my mother for the next couple of hours.

Hi, Mom!

Who else was shocked to learn that C.J. Gregg, like press secretaries are wont to do, lost her mind when she left the Bartlett administration and sequestered herself on a desert Island, where she waited for a foreign woman to shipwreck so she could steal her babies.

And lo and behold! In a move that probably cost the Other Mother her midwife of the year prize, she delivered Jacob and another baby she could not be bothered to name and promptly dispatched with the original recipe mother. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

We then cut to Goofus and Gallant, who have been raised by the Other Mother and spend their days playing board games. Which board game, you ask? The make-up-the-rules-as-you-go predecessor of Cups! Somewhere, Chandler and Joey rolled over in their grave.

Oh, and good luck in the real world when you try the "make up your own game and everyone will have to follow your own rules" approach. And everyone wonders why home-schooled kids are so weird.

And then we finally find out what this whole show is about. The reason the Island is special. The reason Jacob is the guardian. The reason everybody is killing everybody else to control the Island. Are we ready for it?

There it is, just upstream. Glowing in gold. Could it be? Is the answer to all of this the cradle of life?

Almost.

I never thought I'd say it, but the key to Lost is the HOT TUB TIME MACHINE.

But apparently, nobody can go swim in it because that would dissever the soul from the body, and who wants that, really?

The ghost of the original recipe mother spills the beans to a young Smokey, who runs away from home. And when Jacob gets the same information? He does nothing, choosing to stay with nurture over nature.

Did anyone else get a feeling that Jacob was kind of, to put it nicely, dim? He was definitely the Goofus. I mean, the fact that he's a mama's boy speaks for itself -- no man that age should live with his mother. Especially when his mother is an overbearing proto-hippie who wanted to insulate her children from everything else in the world. We're talking major issues here.

And while now we have a clear motivation for Smokey, we still don't quite know what drives Jacob. Like I said, he seemed kind of dim. He spent eighty percent of this episode slack-jawed, following either Smokey or his mother or his rage blackouts. He looked like he had NO IDEA what he was doing. Nothing he did seemed to have rhyme or reason. In fact, it seems that his only motivation -- the reason everyone is on the Island -- is that Jacob wants to see if people are good or bad.

After this episode, I don't know that Smokey is the bad guy. Yes, he does bad things, but at least he has a reason to do it. And that reason might not be terrific, but at least it makes some kind of sense. Meanwhile, Jacob exhibits all the motivation of a bored ten-year old who puts mice in a cage just to see what happens.

The stuff about the lights and magnetism didn't quite work for me. Like I said, it would have been nice to see when all of this happened. That way, we would know if that world understands how magnets work. The alternative is that they're in the Insane Clown Posse.

I would have loved to understand how the well-spring of life, electromagnetism, and donkey wheels all interacted with each other to send Smokey off the Island. There's no good explanation, and the absence of hot women on tonight's show leaves me without my usual fallback position, which is to analyze that, so I don't quite know what to do now.

And then we get a family sat to end all family spats. Smokey wants to leave his mother, so she knocks him out. Then she goes and kills all of Smokey's friends. Jacob drinks his wine and seals his fate. Then Smokey wakes up, finds out all his buddies are dead, so he goes back and kills his mom. Jacob walks in on this, beats the living tar out of Smokey, carries him off into the jungle, knocks him unconscious, throws him face-down into a lake, and lets the current carry Smokey away into the hot tub time machine that will sever his soul from his body.

No wonder the Smoke Monster was born screaming. I would too.

And now we know who Adam and Eve were. Smokey's physical form is gone, and now he's a supernatural being. So I think that Jacob immediately regretted throwing him into the hot tub time machine. On the other hand, Jacob seemed to be similarly immortal, with one caveat -- Jacob can be killed by Ben Linus, whereas Smokey can be stabbed and shot without consequence. Uh oh.

So now we know where this show came from, even if we're kind of fuzzy on the stakes. This thing is going to be over in ten days, people. Maybe ten days will be enough to forget how similar last night's episode of Lost was to this:

Don't Fear the Reaper

Damn. I knew we were going to be losing some personnel near the end, but this was unprecedented. The writers just killed off half the characters remaining on this show, in a bloodbath unseen since Michael killed Libby and Ana Lucia. And those two were secondary characters. Yeesh.

The fact that the writers killed Sayid, the Kwons, and oh hey, I think they also killed Lapidus, really helps remind everyone of the stakes this story is playing with. Not everyone is going to get a happy ending, and this episode underscored the point that not everyone is going to make it to the finish line.

Jack. I'm still not quite getting the good doctor's motivation. He almost looks like an exasperated host, shepherding every houseguest out of his Island so he can go back to pondering his place in the world. Why he wants to stay on the Island while he wants everyone else to leave is suspect -- after all, since they all came in on the same boat plane, then wouldn't it stand to reason that either they all serve a purpose or none of them do?

In any case, Jack has never been blessed with great reasoning skills, so I guess we can chalk up his motivations to general confusion.

Speaking of reasoning skills, in the great Sawyer-Jack debate about "What should we do about this bomb?" It turns out Jack was (maybe) right. It ended up badly -- now there's an understatement. But if there's a bomb on the bus, and one guy is saying disarm that fucker, and the other guy is saying, just let it be, I'd tend to side with Team Disarmament. It would have bit me in the ass, granted, but just letting the bomb explode is the most illogical thing I ever heard.

Of course, if Hurley jumped in and said, "Being completely illogical worked for Jack at the Black Rock before," we might not have a dead Iraqi and two dead Koreans. Way to back up Jack there, Hugo.

Locke. Fucker is evil. Smocke decisively shed the ambiguous hat from his bald head and fully took possession of the cloak of unremitting evil. He's been playing these castaways for weeks and everything finally came together for him. And it all started with his good fortune in finding a bomb.

Dude, don't you know you can't say bomb on an airplane? Smocke proved himself to the Department of Homeland Security by finding a bomb in the overhead bins. Team Widmore must have put the bomb there. But couldn't they have done a better job of it? They hid that bomb like a middle-schooler hides a hickey -- in a way that is entirely conspicuous and will guarantee that everybody sees it. So why did they do that?

But this one is on the castaways. Smocke comes out and he's like, "I found a bomb on the airplane. Here it is. Therefore there are more bombs on the airplane, and even though I found one within two minutes, there's nothing we can do about the rest of them. So the plane is completely useless now." And everyone is like, oh, that makes sense. Sure. Let's go see if our airline pilot can drive a submarine.

And even worse? Nobody said anything when Smocke put the bomb back in his backpack. WHAT THE HELL. If anyone in my crew says, I just found a bomb, and then is like, why wouldn't I bring it along? Dude, NO. No bombs. Duh.

But it all worked perfectly. Smocke. You sneaky bastard. You planned this all along didn't you? This is exactly what you wanted to happen.

We kind of have to give Smocke props there. When Jack opens the backpack in the sub and pulls out the bomb, that was one of Lost's great moments. He brings out the bomb, and I'm like wait. What? Oh... OH DAMN.

Remember when Smocke said, "He wants to get us in the same place at the same time. A nice confined space we have no hope of getting out of. And then he wants to kill us."

Hi, pot! Hi, kettle!

Smocke's plan half-succeeded -- half the people on that sub reenacted the Titanic, after all. But the last scene in the dock, when he senses that not all of them died, and stalks off "to finish the job," that's straight up Keyser Soze right there. Well played, Smocke. Well played indeed.

Over in the other universe that seemed incredibly superfluous this episode, how creepy was it when Sideways Locke was murmuring, "I wish you had believed me," in his sleep?

I've been told I occasionally talk in my sleep. So I'd just like to ask the next lucky lady who witnesses that to pay attention to what I say. If I'm saying what are my sideways incarnation's last words, kindly wake me up. Please.

Sideways Locke's confession about what happened to Daddy Cooper was tremendous.

Jin and Sun. Here today, Kwon tomorrow.

And so we bid farewell to Jin and Sun. The one quibble with this scene (besides the English speaking), is that neither of them seemed to remember that they have a child. Yeah, Jin, it's kind of awesome that you will never leave your wife again, but don't you think your little girl might need her daddy, especially with a dead mommy? Just saying.

Other than that, this was a pretty emotional scene. Nobody saw this one coming. The writers reunite Jin and Sun after three years, just to kill them both the very next episode. That was a little brutal, even for this show. Additionally, the Kwons (with the exception of Hurley) are the single least objectionable characters on the show. That is, they're the only ones without a dark past, without revenge fantasies, without (too much) blood on their hands. And they have a newborn baby. And they're the ones who get offed?

Nobody said life was fair, and I'm going to give the writers credit from not shying away from the fact that the world can be a cruel place and bad things often happen to good people. Few shows have the balls to do something like what Lost just did. So kudos to them.

Also, props to the cinematographer. That still shot of Jin and Sun's hands intertwined, then softly drifting away underwater? Tremendous stuff.

Sayid. The whole submarine scene was terrific, with everyone panicking and the quick cuts and the what the heck just happened vibe to the show. While everyone is still trying to sort out what the heck is happening and how the hell did we end up on a submarine with a bomb that is taking the "time sure flies when you're having fun" adage literally, Sayid scoops up the bomb, tells Jack Desmond is still in a well somewhere, and runs off and gets himself exploded.

This is the kind of redemptive end that a character like Sayid can only dream of. This was complete selflessness, throwing himself on a grenade and going out like a hero. And he did it without thinking, no premeditation, just on pure instinct.

Some are saying that Sayid went from Dead-eyed Zombie to Noble Hero with no explanation as to the transformation. But they're forgetting the conversation he had last episode with Desmond, when he did not know what he would say to Nadia when she asked what he did to bring her back. Maybe it's a bit simplistic, but it does seem like something that would make Sayid, who has been consistently tortured about the morality of his being, snap out of it. So, for me, Sayid's noble sacrifice did not quite come out of nowhere.

Also, I do hereby solemnly swear to use the line "THERE IS NO SAYID" sometime this week, in some place where it is inappropriately out of context. You've been warned.

Kate. Who else thought Kate bought it when she got shot? Everyone? She seemed pretty perky on the beach despite having been shot clear through the chest, so I think she's going to be OK.

Of course, as the hours dwindle, my great white hope of seeing Claire and Kate have the catfight to end all catfights is receding. Oh well.

Claire. Are the mercenaries guarding the sub the worst shooters in the world? Claire and Sawyer just kind of stood there on the dock, bewildered, while literally dozens of bullets missed them. Maybe the shooters were drunk.

The only other explanation was that every one of those mercenaries was a fan of the show. Therefore, they were all aiming for Kate. God knows I would. After I dispatched Jack, of course.

And this may be because I'm an asshole, but I sure laughed when Sawyer popped out of the sub, saw Claire, saw Smocke right behind him, went, oh hell no! and slammed the hatch shut. It's like when you and a bunch of friends are walking to a party and then suddenly you see some girl you kind of like and are about to call out to her to come along and then you realize she's with Johnny Buzzkill. All of a sudden, everyone's cell phones all ring at the same time. It's great.

Also, Sideways Claire is completely OK with people throwing indecent proposals her way, isn't she? First we had her accept a car ride from her hijacker, Kate. Then she agreed to use uber-sketchy Desmond's lawyer even though Desmond was coming on to her at two ticks under rapist. And now she accepts room and board from her half-brother who she met five minutes ago? Girl seems easy to convince. Maybe that's how she got pregnant.

Stranger: Hi, pleased to meet you. We should have sex.
Claire: Really? Why?
Stranger: I dunno ... because we're talking?
Claire: (thinks for a minute) Ok. I can dig that. Your place or mine?

Sawyer. Sawyer kind of blew it this episode, didn't he?

Like I said before, this was an instance of right move, wrong result. There is no way anyone in their right mind would ever just let a bomb be. Did they not watch The Hurt Locker?

It's as if you are down two runs in the bottom of the 9th. You have to intentionally walk Pujols to load the bases. You have to. Sure, Matt Holliday may hit a grand slam that not only costs you the game, but also somehow hits something that explodes and now everything is blowing up and half the stadium is gone and oh no, Chipper Jones is on fire and OH THE HUMANITY.

That's kind of what happened this episode. Sawyer intentionally walked Pujols and now half the castaways are dead.

I wonder how they're going to bring Sawyer out of this one. If anyone needs redemption now it's the guy who drowned the Kwons, right? He got clowned by the Locke-Ness Monster, he totally FUBARed the bomb, and now the only person on that Island worth saving is Hurley. My prediction is they'll give Sawyer a Sayid-like sacrifice to have him wake up in a coffee shop with Juliet, but who knows.

Also, being trapped in a cage with your ex in the same spot where you first consummated your relationship has to rank up there in the annals of awkwardness, doesn't it?

Hurley. The sight of Hurley sobbing is going to haunt me forever. Damn.

Lapidus. Did Lapidus get fragged by a door? Is that the way he goes? Granted, I'm not going to dig his grave until I see confirmation of his death -- for all we know he escaped through the breach in the ship's hull and is going to show up out of nowhere to save someone else at the last possible minute. But I think we might have seen the last of our good buddy, the pilot.

If he did die, though, he chose to do it in the worst possible episode, with all the other deaths, ensuring that no one will talk about him. He kind of got Farrah Fawcett-ed on this one. Sorry, Frank.

On to next week, where we get the backstory of Jacob in the Man in Black. By this time next week, we have to know what's going on, right? Right?

Probably not.

The Final Countdown

Freedom is so close I can taste it.

Tomorrow morning I will face my final final. This is the last law school exam I will ever take. Ever.

As you might imagine, I can't wait for it to be over. Everything else is done and only this final stands between me and graduation.

You ever go out, and drink a lot, and it's turning to one or two in the morning, and then some schmuck (this would usually be me) comes back with a whole pitcher of beer and plops it down on the table and everyone's like, really, you son of a bitch? You really just brought everyone another pitcher to drink?

And so everybody has to sit there for another twenty minutes, sullen and resentful. Nobody really talks, nobody is having fun any more. You can't let that pitcher go to waste, so you sit there and glare at the pitcher like it's your worst enemy, I mean, really glare, and it's a chore to finish it, but finish it you must, because nobody should ever waste beer. People go to hell for that.

That's what tomorrow's test is like. I'm glaring at this test because I don't want to do it but I have to. It's an imperfect analogy -- I would never argue that anything about law school tests even remotely approximates the fun of drinking a pitcher of beer. The opposite in fact. But the rest is true. It's time to spit on my hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

And IP seems to be the perfect venue for that. I am fully aware of the irony inherent in someone like myself taking a class that has "Intellectual" in the title. Strangely enough, I enjoyed it. Even more strangely, I kind of get it. I actually feel like I have a grasp on copyright and trademarks and all that good stuff. I feel good about this test.

Of course, now that I said that, the General Rule of Law School -- where you tank what you felt good about and destroy what you never understood -- will probably rear its ugly head and I will end up failing the course and returning next year to complete my law school education marinating in the sweet stink of failure.

I can think of no worse fate.

Pray for me.

Water Water Everywhere and not a Drop to Drink

Right on cue, two weeks before I graduate and my visa expires, I get something of a preview: All of a sudden, I can't drink the water, even though I haven't yet been deported. Thanks for the foreshadowing, God.

I was minding my own business yesterday, plugging along while studying for IP, when all of a sudden I hear this:



NOBODY DRINK THE BEER! THE BEER HAS GONE BAD!

Except instead of beer, it was water. Thank God for small favors.

Unfortunately, God's timing in striking down our water supply was terrible. Instead of having a perfect excuse to hydrate via Scotch, gin, and other such H2O replacements, the ban against drinking water comes during the one weekend this year where I have to hunker down and study.

God gives me the best excuse ever to drink. And I can't use it. Somewhere, Alanis Morissette is rolling over in her grave.

By the way, how do you boil water again?