Of Course You Know This Means War

I'm not usually the biggest fan of Jin & Sun episodes. For one, they have subtitles. I know, I know. I'm a lazy, uncultured bastard. But they're distracting and, as Keamy bluntly put it, I don't really get the Godzilla movies. And secondly, I can understand why a lot of people like JinandSun. They're compelling characters and I can see the appeal. But I myself did not sign up for this show to watch a love story set in rigid Korea. Sorry.

That said, I thought this was a terrific episode. Maybe the beginning moved a little slowly, but the emotional payoffs regarding both Jin and Sun at the end of the episode were absolutely worth it. That and a Widmore-Smocke showdown, the return of Desmond, a glimpse of Season 1 Jack, and someone getting shot in the eye? Terrific stuff. Let's dive right in.

Jin and Sun. Some will say that it is simplistic and lazy of me to conjoin two different people just because they are a couple. To them, I would point to my "Molecular Chemistry Theory of Coupledom"(Patent Pending). While I have been long overdue to describe it in this blog, it basically states that, when a couple reaches a certain point, they become inseparable and unbreakable, so they should be treated as one, as in JinandSun. In other words, they are lost to us forever.

Let's deal with the Sideways world first. The biggest shocker of the night was seeing what happened when the customs agents caught you with a huge thing of cash money that you did not declare. The minute I saw that, I immediately yelled, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY CONFISCATE IT. That ain't right. But it's good to know. ... I have no further comment.

Jin and Sun finally arrived at their hotel. And my first thought was, Jin. Dude. Really? You didn't pull the "They only have one room and, guess what, it only has one bed" move on Sun? Really? All you have to do is slip the front desk guy a ten and he'll totally back you up. And then somehow wine appears in the room and all you have to do is, "Oops, my shirt fell off" and presto. Morning smiles for everybody.

Speaking of shirts falling off, that cameraman sure got his money's worth, didn't he? I ain't seen a camera linger on a pair of boobs for so long since the days when Pamela Anderson had a sitcom. For a second I thought I had accidentally switched over to Cinemax.

Oh, and Jin? High five.

Perhaps the best part of the episode was Keamy -- back in total psycho mode -- go into Sun's room, survey the rumpled sheets, see two wine glasses on separate nightstands, put two and two together, and get the most obvious, "Oh shit, someone got bi-zay!" look on his face. Priceless stuff.

And off goes Sun with Pre-Patchy to the bank -- where daddy found out the hot gossip and canceled her credit cards -- and off goes Jin to the meat locker with Keamy. Did anyone else notice that, after Keamy was done wiping off Jin's cut forehead, he took the bloody rag and put it on top of the falafel? What is this, a Taco Bell?

And then the Sideways World turned dark. Really dark. Unprecedented dark. I mean, being locked in a meat locker ain't exactly rainbows and giggles, but two OH GOD things happened. One was pretty cool -- look, Ma, they shot out the guy's eye! Gnarly.

The other? Oof. Sun gets shot and it turns out she's pregnant? Again, oof. Most sideways characters have gotten relatively happy endings, Sawyer got a status quo ending (until he meets Juliet, which will be the happiest ending of all) and only Sayid went down a darker path -- although things kind of worked out for him in the end. But in this one? Sun is pregnant and she gets shot in the abdomen? Ice cold, writers. Ice cold.

Over on the Island, we get major developments. Again Smokey shows up and tempts one of the (possible) candidates with an offer they just can't refuse. Sun, what if I told you I had a bag full of Jin? Is that be something you would be interested in?

Surprisingly, the answer was no. Sun hasn't seen her husband in three years and agreed to crash-land on an Island so she could find him. And this dude tells her that her husband is right there. It takes real strength to turn that down. So much so that she has to run away. I'm sure she was running away partly because Smocke is terrifying, but also because she had to, or else she would have given in.

And then she gets knocked out and when she comes to, Smokey is gone. Based on her actions through the rest of the episode, it seems safe to say that she was not claimed and zombified. But while Jack diagnosed the loss of her ability to speak English as aphasia caused by a mild concussion, I would look for a second opinion. My guess? Smocke somehow robbed her of her ability to speak English. If he can't claim her, he might as well make it so that she permanently suffers through a failure to communicate.

Just look at that scene with Alpert. His face is totally saying, "Lady, you screaming at me in Korean is not helping," but because he's not Sawyer and can refrain from being an asshole, he says nothing. But it's definitely an obstacle, and we should see how much trouble it brings.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Island limps Jin. After Team Widmore knocks out Team Smokey (Shouldn't the mercenaries have killed everyone? Or did Widmore not trust them to shoot everyone without killing the candidates in the camp?), Jin is kidnapped and put in Room 23, also known as the Clockwork Orange room with the flashing images and the loud noises and the oy gevalt. (Shout-out to those who missed this episode because they were eating matzoh).

Jin immediately demands to speak to the manager and Widmore complies. Widmore hands Jin a camera with pictures of his wife and daughter, who he has never met. It's a manipulative move worthy of Ben Linus, that's for sure. In terms of television? Absolutely devastating. Kudos to Daniel Dae Kim for absolutely nailing it here. That ... that was moving. Terrific stuff.

In terms of story, though? It's perfect. Widmore just bought Jin's loyalty. What this means for the coming battle remains to be seen. But they're moving their soldiers into place and we're going to have a war soon. And God knows no solider is more zealous than the one who fights for his family.

Jack. If Sun had been paying attention, this is what would have happened this episode:

Jack: (Comes uninvited and sits down) Hey, Sun. Listen, we can't have you spaz out because you are important.
Sun: And why is that?
Jack: Well, there was this magic lighthouse, and my name was on it, and on the mirror I saw a reflection of my past.
Sun: Really? That's awesome!
Jack: And the best part is, your name was on there too!
Sun: Ohmygod! Really?
Jack: Yeah, I bet you it shows you something really important too.
Sun: Eeeeee! Can I see it?
Jack: Well, here's the thing. I kind of ... um .. well ...
Sun: Don't tell me you pulled a Jack Shephard and destroyed it.
Jack: ....
Sun: (Throws tomato at him.)

To Jack's credit, he did get a nice scene where he brought Sun the notepad at the end of the episode and channeled Season 1 Jack in a surprising display of thoughtfulness.

But, Sun, you know how elusive thoughtful Jack is. So why would you draw a smiley face on your notepad while simultaneously frowning with your actual face? Women are confusing.

Locke. His "I leave for ten minutes and the whole place goes to shit" face when he came back and found his entire army knocked out was priceless. It's precisely the kind of face I expected every time my boss would leave the Sun office and then come back and find the Managing Editor and me fighting each other with hammers: Half disappointment, half disgust, half I-knew-it.

That and we finally had the face-to-face, mano-a-mano, bald head-to-bald head between Widmore and Smocke. I can think of no better description for the Locke-ness Monster than "Myths, ghost stories, and jungle noises in the night."

And Locke advancing on the beach of Hydra Island like the Germans marching into Leningrad? War has been declared. We're going to start losing some personnel soon, so let's get to it.

Sayid. I guess his favorite song is no longer "More Than a Feeling." Zombie Sayid has lost the capacity for emotion, and is now a soulless mercenary. Who else got a Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now vibe when they showed Sayid emerging from the water? If this doesn't end with Locke whispering, "The horror, the horror," I'll be pissed.

Widmore. He's kind of getting the good guy edit, isn't he? Yet this is the same man who unleashed Keamy on the Island. But since Smocke is the personification of malevolence and all Widmore wants to do is contain him on the Island, doesn't that mean Widmore is a good guy? But then didn't he try to kill Ben, who's awesome? But isn't Ben kind of evil? But aren't the only people who who use night-vision goggles creepy evil people? Gar.

(Retreats into concepts he can understand).

That Zoe chick totally has a Tina Fey After She Had Sex in a Barn thing going for her, doesn't she?

Desmond. HE'S BACK. We finally get one of the best characters on the show back. After all, he is "The Package." ... I hereby pledge to restrain myself from making juvenile jokes for the rest of the season.

When Desmond saw Sayid in the water, he totally should have said, "Hello, brotha." But he didn't! Damnit, writers, how could you miss that? This was one of those moments when everybody the nerds at the movie theater would have cheered what was happening on the screen. MISSED OPPORTUNITY!

Misc. At this point, if I am correct, Hurley is the only one of the major characters who lacks a sideflash, right? So after him and maybe one or two episodes to tie the sideways castaways together, we should be finding out what the heck the sideways world really means. I hope.

Smocke implied Kate was a candidate but not anymore. Does that mean she had her name crossed out? Or was her name never written down?

Man, Alpert got his crap together in a hurry. After that lunatic giggle and his panic attack last week, I thought we'd never see calm Richard again. But now? Where's Locke? Hydra Island. Is that where the plane is? Yes. We have to destroy the plane. It's kind of what Jack would do, which means it's probably a bad idea, but at least they have a plan.

And if someone made sunblock that smelled like bacon, I would absolutely buy some. What? Don't look at me like that.

Stand Up and Be Counted, Barely

Since the weather outside has me watching Waterworld not as a terrible movie, but as an instruction manual, I thought tonight I'd complete my census form.

Like many people my age, I was very much looking forward to this moment. After all, this is the first decade when we've lived alone. We are no longer beholden to our parents (By the way, Dad, I need rent money again).

We get to fill out a census form FOR THE FIRST TIME. Isn't that awesome? We're grown-ups! We are directly influencing how our Congressional Districts get redistricted! Power to the people!

Which is why I was so damn disappointed.

This took me less than two minutes to fill out. Less than two minutes! I put on an album on my iTunes, ready for the long haul, and did not even make it through the first half of the first song!

After I put down my name, age, and the fact that I was Mexican, I was done. That's it? I thought, staring at the completed form with unbelieving eyes. That's it? After all the hoopla, exhortations, and parades, that was it? I was done?

The Census Bureau sent me a friggin letter informing me that they would be sending me a census form! Such redundancy has not been seen since they abolished the Redundancy Department of Redundancies and it was eliminated. Even Warcraft has a more detailed census, for God's sake.

This was incredibly anticlimactic. It was as if we learned that Christina Hendricks was posing naked in a new movie and then we all went and saw it and then when she took off her bra a whole thing of paper fell out.

GODDAMNIT, THIS MIGHT HAVE BEEN MY LAST CENSUS FORM. If I'm still in America in ten years, I'll be living under the sea, so none of this will matter.

So this was it for me, census bureau. And you didn't even have the decency to ask me whether I went to college, anything about my criminal record or whether I put down my knife and transfer the fork to my right hand before I eat a piece of steak? Don't you want to know anything about me? Am I just a face in the crowd? Dammit, America, why don't you care?

For the record, yes, no comment, and of course not. Why would you waste the time?

How Recess was Won and Where It Got Us

In their ongoing war against everything that is awesome, The Powers That Be have claimed yet another victim. Following the calculated assassinations of Halloween, the Prom, and, most senselessly, hugging, enemies of fun have turned their eyes to the mecca of schoolchildren: Recess.

At Broadway Elementary School here, there is no more sitting around after lunch. No more goofing off with friends. No more doing nothing.

Oh my god, that sounds awful. Sitting around, goofing off, and doing nothing? You've just named the three things kids loathe doing the most. No wonder kids hate school. Those Broadway Elementary kids are sure going to love it when they grow up and have to get jobs.

Instead there is Brandi Parker, a $14-an-hour recess coach with a whistle around her neck, corralling children behind bright orange cones to play organized games. There she was the other day, breaking up a renegade game of hopscotch and overruling stragglers’ lame excuses.

A recess coach? Really? We have to structure recess now? I understand the need for breaking up a renegade game of hopscotch, but only if hopscotch is a euphemism for something you do that involves sex and crack.

They were bored. They had tired feet. They were no good at running.

“I don’t like to play,” protested Esmeilyn Almendarez, 11.

“Why do I have to go through this every day with you?” replied Ms. Parker, waving her back in line. “There’s no choice.”

It just struck me that a recess coach could quite reasonably also be called "the fun police." What the heck does she mean, "there's no choice?" Does this imply that recess has become a time where kids are forced to run drills structured around orange cones? I'm half expecting a giant TV to turn its cyclopean eye towards the poor 11-year old girl and remind her gently that FREEDOM IS SLAVERY.

Broadway Elementary brought in Ms. Parker in January out of exasperation with students who, left to their own devices, used to run into one another, squabble over balls and jump-ropes or monopolize the blacktop while exiling their classmates to the sidelines. Since she started, disciplinary referrals at recess have dropped by three-quarters, to an average of three a week. And injuries are no longer a daily occurrence.

Finally, the lawless frontier that is the schoolyard has been conquered. Nobody is more well-adjusted than those people who, when they were little, avoided learning how to interact with others via squabbling over balls. Now, they will learn that, when they grow up, there will always be some authority figure hovering over everyone and making sure that they all get to zig-zag around the orange cones of life.

“Before, I was seeing nosebleeds, busted lips, and students being a danger to themselves and others,” said Alejandro Echevarria, the principal. “Now, Coach Brandi does miracles with 20 cones and three handballs.”

Because kids without skinned knees and grass stains on their shorts are the happiest kids of all!

The school is one of a growing number across the country that are reining in recess to curb bullying and behavior problems, foster social skills and address concerns over obesity. They also hope to show children that there is good old-fashioned fun to be had without iPods and video games.

But don't they get it? Yes, there is fun to be had without video games, but not if you institutionalize it. Nothing will kill fun faster than an order to have fun.

Although many school officials and parents like the organized activity, its critics say it takes away the only time that children have to unwind.

In Wyckoff, N.J., an upper-middle-class township in Bergen County with a population of 17,000, hundreds of people signed a petition in protest after the district replaced recess in 2007 with a “midday fitness” program.

MIDDAY FITNESS? Whatthehell? Wasn't that called gym? These assholes went and replaced recess with gym and hoped no one would notice? If I was 10 years old and you told me you were replacing my one half-hour period a day I got where I could do whatever the heck I wanted and replaced it with calisthenics, I would stage a friggin revolution. I'd cut the tetherballs of the tethers, arm some kids with marbles, tell the kids with basketballs to aim for the windows, and commence an assault on the administration until they gave us recess back.

Recess has since been restored in Wyckoff’s middle school, and on alternating days in elementary schools.

ON ALTERNATING DAYS?? THAT WAS THE COMPROMISE? YOU ONLY HAVE RECESS EVERY OTHER DAY?

(Rage blackout)

Well, at least we know which days are skip days.

Dr. Romina M. Barros, an assistant clinical professor at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in the Bronx who was an author of a widely cited study on the benefits of recess, published last year in the journal Pediatrics, says that children still benefit most from recess when they are let alone to daydream, solve problems, use their imagination to invent their own games and “be free to do what they choose to do.”

Structured recess, Dr. Barros said, simply transplants the rules of the classroom to the playground.

“You still have to pay attention,” she said. “You still have to follow rules. You don’t have that time for your brain to relax.”

LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN.

It is not just about fun and games. At University Heights Charter School in Newark, another of New Jersey’s eight Playworks programs, students have learned to settle petty disputes, like who had the ball first or who pushed whom, not with fists but with the tried and true rock-paper-scissors.

I object. Who had the ball first is not a petty dispute. It is, in fact, a way for kids to learn about the most important foundations of our capitalist society: ownership. Possession. Incentivizing initiative for the pursuit of happiness. Remember, whoever owns the ball gets to say not only who gets to play, but also whether a game is even played at all. Because why else would you be friends with the rich kid?

Under the Big Red Sky

Some would say that driving for five hours each way in a process that gets you back home at 6 a.m. to ensure the following few days will all feel like a Vegas Sunday, only to see your team lose by 17 points is insane. Crazy. Absurd.

But they're dead wrong.

Last night I got to see Cornell play in the Sweet Sixteen.

That is something I never thought I'd get a chance to write, much less do.

Yes, we got blown out. We were, frankly, overmatched. The first half kind of felt like this (h/t to Simmons). It was like watching the smoke monster tear through the Anothers.

But goddamnit, I was there. I hopped in a car, drove to Syracuse knowing that I'd have to drive back immediately following the game, and watched Cornell play in the Sweet Sixteen.

Of course it was a home game. Let me tell you, I've been to a Texas-Oklahoma football game. And that was like being strapped under a jet. Now, I don't know if it was the fact that this was a dome and the sound was bouncing down from the roof, and I don't know if you can say that it was the same level of noise.

But it was close. There were points last night at the Carrier Dome -- when Cornell cut the lead down to six, for instance -- where I thought the place would achieve lift-off.

What a crowd. That was amazing.

Some of you from other schools might think that it's no big deal. But for a school like ours, this has never happened before. And it will be years before this happens again. It is unprecedented.

But I was there and I got to see Cornell play in the Sweet Sixteen.

And that, my friends, is priceless.

Do I Sound Like Someone Who has a Plan?

Since this is the first episode that focused entirely and solely on one character since I don't know when, let's dispense with everything else quickly and effortlessly. Now all the folks on Team Smokey know they're candidates, except for Ben and Lapidus. And we reiterated that Ilana needs to protect them. In fact, only one thing bugged me about this whole setup.

Richard: We're all dead and in hell. I'm leaving and joining the other team. Good day.
Ilana: But you, Richard, are the one who knows what to do --
Richard: I said good day!
Ilana: (Waits twenty minutes) I'm going after him.

GODDAMNIT. Why didn't you try to stop him when he was leaving? Why did you just sit there? Good Lord. You need to stop taking the How to be Stupid Classes from Jack.

Richard: We finally learned the story of Richard "The Ageless Wonder" Alpert. Well. Kind of. I would have loved to have learned what the balls he has actually done on the island beside walk out of the jungle with his hands up every other day. I have to say, though. As origin stories go, this was a pretty nifty one.

We open on Zorro Richard riding a horse through the lowlands of Tenerife in 1867 Spain. And then he goes into his house and says something -- and I couldn't believe this -- in SPANISH.

I DON'T HAVE TO READ THE SUBTITLES THAT FLOAT UNDER THE FOREIGNERS. I FINALLY UNDERSTAND SOMETHING IN THIS SHOW.

I have to say, Richard speaks pretty good Spanish. In fact, his Spanish accent as he speaks English is better than my own. So he's got that going for him, which is nice.

We learned that there was eyeliner in mid-19th century Spain. We also learned that Richard is trapped in a telenovela. Oh, you thought Kate episodes were the Mexican soap operas of Lost? Well, they have nothing on this.

"Ricardo!"

"Isabela!"

"Mi amor!"

"No te mueras!"

"Ricardo!"

"Isabela!"

We have the dying wife. The long-haired hero. The evil doctor eating noisily and alone. The only priest in the world who would refuse to absolve a truly penitent man (and for manslaughter, no less). All we were missing was Locke in an eyepatch. For a second, I thought I was watching this.

And, in a stunning turn of good timing, we learned what happens when you don't have universal health care. SUCK IT, 1867 TENERIFE.

After killing the doctor, watching his wife die, being sentenced to die, and being damned to hell, Richard's day keeps getting better. He has received a presidential pardon and gets to go to the New World! The catch? He's a slave. Well.

On the ocean, Richard and Co. run into The Perfect Storm, which throws them hundreds of feet through the air, straight into the face of a huge stone statue, which their wooden ship pulverizes and somehow uses as a propeller to launch itself into the middle of the jungle. And in all of that, somehow, the dynamite that would later turn Arzt into Pieces of Me does not explode.

Well, we bought time travel, didn't we?

(Two more notes. Was that Captain Hanso, as in the Hanso Foundation? Also, the Tenerife-New World route, unless you get wicked lost, goes through the Atlantic. And yet the castaways landed on the Island after their Sydney-L.A. plane crashed. I thought the Island only moved through time, not space. Or are they the same thing? Gar. I'm confused.

Normally, in moments of confusion I retreat into an analysis of how attractive the women are on the island. But we only really got Isabela this episode. When I first saw her, I totally thought it was Salma Hayek. But it was really dark. When we saw her in the light, we saw that she was definitely no Salma Hayek. So now my real life is being reflected on the show. Awesome.)

But I digress. Richard's on the Island now. So let's keep the story moving.

The guy who bought Alpert comes in and puts all of the slaves out of his misery. Charming fellow. He is rewarded with Death by Smokey, which makes sense, because Karma rhymes with Dharma.

Smokey sure goes out of his way to save Richard. In fact, Richard seems to pass the moment of judgment, just like Mr. Eko and Ben Linus once passed their moment of judgment. Does this mean Mr. Eko and his Jesus Stick was seen as a potential Jacob-murderer by Smokey? I know he's dead, so who cares, but worth mentioning.

As Richard tries to escape his chains, he is visited by the ghost of his wife, who then goes and gets eaten by the Smoke Monster. This was a very weird sequence. Was the ghost a manifestation created by the Smoke Monster? Or was it actually Isabela the friendly Ghost who 140 years later would talk to Hurely? Or was it a mere hallucination?

Perhaps the most surprising thing about this episode is how much the Man in Black behaved exactly like Jacob. Clearly, he also has the touch, and every time he touches the castaways, something happens. Chained Richard is revived just like Thrown out of a Tall Building by Daddy Locke.

And then the Man in Black told Richard to kill Jacob in exactly the same way Dogen told Sayid to go kill the Locke-ness Monster. So it seems the recipe to kill demi-gods involves a knife and their silence in exchange for a deal with the devil.

This all underscores the duality Lost heavily hints at, and Jacob personifies free will and Smokey represents corruption. It seems clearer every day that Jacob and Smokey are two sides of the same coin. The reason they each recruit beach volleyball teams? They have a bet. They bet that people can't be corrupted, even though Smokey is allowed to meddle and Jacob is not. And this bet has been going on for centuries. And it involves scores of people, all of whom are now dead. And they keep making the same bet with different groups of people, rolling the dice again, hoping people won't end up killed again.

And you say I have a gambling problem.

Richard actually let me down a little bit. When he made his deal with the devil, the Man in Black had the worst explanations I've ever seen a devil make. "But you killed my wife." No, Jacob took her but I was too late. "But you killed all those people." Do you want to save your wife? "This makes no sense." This makes plenty of sense. "OK, then."

The fact that Richard bought all of these, the most unconvincing explanations in the world, is disappointing, as Smocke would say.

Instead, Richard got his ass kicked by Jacob and then made another deal with the other devil. He can't have his wife back and he can't be absolved of his sins. So he says, "then I want to live forever," just kind of throwing it out there. And Jacob jumps on that, "OK!" he says and touches him.

Did anyone else kind of get the vibe that this was totally not an informed wish? Like I said, Richard kind of threw it out there without thinking, almost like he was being sarcastic. And Jacob, like a genie in a bad joke, jumped all over that. I guess there were no take-backs in the 19th century.

And so Jacob got his prophet, the intermediary, the consiglieri, the one who can preach his word and prod the candidates in the right direction, just so he'll finally win his bet.

Why do I say prophet? Because they might as well have said that on the show. This episode was heavy with the religious undertones. I don't for one second buy the idea that the Island is actually hell and that they're all dead. Rather, I believe that, over the years, Alpert became more secular and uses the word hell to describe the Island much in the same way I use hell to describe the law tower. Yes, there are classholes there, but I don't think I'll run into Hitler and Stalin.

The reason it's not hell? They're not dead. The Island ain't a fun place to be, but it's not hell, no matter how much Jacob and Smokey come to resemble God and Satan.

So that's our battle. The Blind Watchmaker vs. the Lord of the Flies, and woe be unto all if the latter gets out.

And who would go to an Island Wine-Tasting with me? From the look of the weather on the Island, I bet you that the wine is terrible, though. No wonder the Man in Black smashed the bottle.

The Non-Trial of the Century

If you will remember, a couple of weeks ago I informed the world that I would be going to trial soon. A real trial, with a judge and a jury and a strapping young prosecutor who would deliver a performance so memorable, he would not only get a standing ovation but also a five-picture deal with Universal Studios.

The trial, for an assault and battery in a movie theater, is scheduled to take place tomorrow, Wednesday the 24th.

I regret to inform my readership that, as expected, the defense attorney and I have come to a mutually agreeable disposition. As a result, we will not be going to trial.

I know. I know. I’m as disappointed as you all are. This is the right result. On the one hand, the guy had no prior record and my star witness had been arrested for fraudulent activities a gajillion times, so whoops. On the other, YOU CAN’T RUIN THE MOVIE FOR EVERYONE AND EXPECT TO GET AWAY WITH IT, DUDE.

While it is the right result, I really wanted to go to trial. It would have been an awesome experience. So I’m a little disappointed.

But not as disappointed as that poor judge who will no longer be able to marvel at my legal skills. Not as disappointed as the jurors who will not be exposed to the sort of lawyering you tell your grandkids about. Not as disappointed as my colleagues, who will now miss out on an inspiring performance and a chance to give me a standing ovation at the conclusion of my closing argument. Not as disappointed as God, who will no longer see one of his greatest creations make the leap from awesome to super-awesome.

On the other hand, this is clearly GREAT news for my ego.

Big Red Machine

Today, a team full of white boys from the Ivy League (and Lou Dale, who is having the games of his life) beat the living crap out of the Fresh Prince of Madison (pictured) and the rest of the Wisconsin Badgers.

The result of this, as you might have expected, is that Andy Bernard became a trending topic on Twitter.

Make no mistake about it. Cornell basketball is good. Maybe they're shooting a bit over their heads, but if they can keep up shooting like this, they have a real shot at turning the Number one Wildcats into Kentucky Fried Chicken. So stay tuned.

And why not? This tournament already saw Kansas, Nova, Georgetown and other unbeatables fall to mid-to-low seeds from mid-to-low majors. Why not us?

This weekend featured the first two tournament victories ever for Cornell (by 13 and 18 points over two top-20 teams, natch) and a Sweet Sixteen berth which I would never have believed when I was back in college. Men's hockey won the ECAC Championship. And Women's hockey lost a heartbreaker in 3OTs in the National championship game. But even with that second place there, this is an absolutely unprecedented weekend in the annals of Ivy League athletics.

As my buddy Per said, "I'm this close to challenging the Yalie across the street to a game of checkers for his heated parking space. WE ARE INVINCIBLE."

Take Me to Your Leader

FINALLY. After stashing him away in limbo for a month, the Lost writers finally put him back into commission and gave us a great Sawyer episode.

While Ben and Locke might be the best, most nuanced characters, Sawyer is my favorite one to watch. In between the lying, and the nicknames, and the assholiness, and the charisma, Sawyer is just fun when he is on screen. Besides Hurley and Miles, he's the only one with an actual sense of humor (Juliet and Ben are pretty funny too, but in a different way). And like I've mentioned before, he's had quite the character arc. At this point, he's giving Ben and Locke a run for their money in the most compelling character sweepstakes. And Josh Holloway's acting has been terrific.

Somehow, the guy who was introduced to us as the redneck accusing Sayid of blowing up the plane has become the show's last genuine hero. Now ain't that something?

Sawyer. I loved today's sideways opening. Hey, lookie! Sawyer is going to have morning sex with some broad then pull off the old Pigeon Drop con again! OR IS HE?

No, in this world, Sawyer is a cop, working for the LAPD, partnering with Miles in a classic attempt to remake the Lethal Weapon movies. If they spun off a Sawyer & Miles buddy cop comedy off the show, I would totally watch it.

So in this world, our old buddy Sawyer is a cop. But he still has to deal with all those issues. We learned today that Anthony Cooper was still perpetrating his conning ways (what this means for Locke is anyone's guess. Either he is really forgiving or he became a paraplegic somewhere else).

In fact, we learned that Sawyer never became Sawyer. At some point he had to choose between becoming a criminal or becoming a cop, and he chose cop. When did the decision come about? When Jacob didn't intervene and give little Sawyer a pen so he could finish his revenge letter. Thus, the sideways world lacks Jacob's influence. Is that a good thing?

Well, you tell me. Yes, except for his vow to murder Cooper, Sawyer renounced a life of crime. So he's got that going for him, which is nice.

On the other hand, this Sawyer is a sad and lonely man, living alone in a small apartment, microwaving his dinner and crying when he watches Little House on the Prairie. Yes, he seems to bed plenty of girls, but he's lacking that connection. And, as we all know, perpetual bachelors are the saddest creatures of all.

Nowhere was this more evident than with Charlotte --

I am going to pause the recap for a second to say, HOLY CRAP. That was Charlotte?? Good Lord. In those five minutes she vaulted into the Top Five for most attractive Lost women. Well played, Charlotte. Well played, indeed.

-- because when Sawyer realized that he pulled a Jack and freaked out for no reason when he threw Charlotte out, something clicked. There he goes, sad eyes and big sunflower in hand (shout-out to Juliet) to beg forgiveness and drive away the loneliness.

But dude? A six pack? Really? Isn't wine produced in California? You seem to get laid a lot for a guy who thinks showing up to apologize holding a six-pack of beer is OK. I mean, really?

To no avail. Charlotte sends him packing. And so Sawyer turns to Miles -- the most believable friendship on the show since Charlie and Hurley -- and 'fesses up as to wanting to murder the original Sawyer. And then wouldn't you know it? The world's worst fugitive strikes again.

Over on the island, it's anybody's guess as to who Sawyer is going to betray. Anyone who thinks Sawyer is playing for Team Smokey or Team Widmore or Team Jacob or Team Edward is insane. Sawyer is on Team Sawyer. My guess is Team Sawyer includes his Oceanic buddies -- he displayed genuine concern as to Miles' well-being -- but after the Juliet thing, God only knows.

In fact, for someone who's conning at least one person, probably two, and perhaps everybody, Sawyer sure is telling the truth a lot. Everything he told Widmore was the truth. Everything he told Smocke was the truth too. And while it is always wise to lie to an ex, it seems that he told Kate the truth as well.

So what's Sawyer playing at? Since there is nothing left for him there, he clearly wants to leave the island. My guess is he'd love like be OK with bringing his friends with him. My guess is he'd also toss Jack off the plane as soon as he got the chance. Or off the sub. In any case, does Sawyer think piloting a sub is easier than flying a plane? Is it? I actually don't know.

The real question, I guess, is who's conning who in the Widmore-Smocke-Sawyer triangle. Since we haven't really seen much of him, I would say Widmore hasn't shown great conning ability. But Smocke and Sawyer? There's a ripper for you. The world's best liar vs. the island's devil. Should be a doozy.

And if you're counting, Sawyer has now slept with three of the top five most attractive Lost women. High five.

Miles. In any reality, it seems Miles has been conscripted as Junior Deputy to Sawyer. Being Barney Fife has its drawbacks -- Miles sometimes came off as a bit needy and emotional. He delivered the "You know what, we're not partners anymore" line in a melodramatic way that would have made Kate proud. And no, that's not a compliment.

But perhaps I am a tad cynical. All Miles wants to do is help out his buddy, maybe even hook him up. "Be nice to her," he pleaded, knowing that Sawyer can be a real asshole most of all the time. And Miles begging Sawyer to talk to him, to not lie -- that was nice. They're buddies. It's good to see people looking out for each other on this show.

By the way, can Sideways Miles also speak to dead people? I had a real bad moment when I thought the sideways story was going to turn into an episode of Medium. I'm very happy I was wrong.

Claire. Crazy is trapped in a glass case of emotion. First she tenderly held Kate's hand (YES!). Then she tried to kill Kate in a fit of blind rage. Then she was all upset and cried on Kate's shoulder.

Unfortunately, I've had experience with women like this, who might as well have their emotions patterned as a roulette wheel. And I never know quite what to do. I just kind of pat them on the head and look confused, just as Kate did.

Huh. I never thought I'd identify with Kate, but then again, I never thought this show would have a 50 year-old man slap the crap out of a 22-year old girl.

I mean, Jeeee-zus. Did anyone see that coming? Yes, it was a "get a hold of yourself, woman!" slap and not a "where's my dinner, woman?" kind of slap. But still. Not OK.

Also, Claire tucking in the squirrel bone baby was terrifying.

Kate. As I mentioned above, I actually had some sympathy for Kate this episode, as I am wont to do for anyone who is the attempted murderee of a crazy woman. Kate is clearly out of her element in Smokey's camp.

I have to say, if this is going to be the sole catfight between Kate and Claire, I'm sorely disappointed.

I do have to give Evangeline Lilly some credit, though. I totally bought Kate's reaction to the attack as being so upset and bewildered that she retreated to the mangroves to cry. That made a lot of sense. I've never stolen someone's baby and then had them almost kill me because of it, but if I did, that might be how I'd react too. In any case, I believed it.

But, Kate. Listen. If you are trying to fit in with the team, it's probably unwise to go up to everyone and ask them if they're really with the coach. It kind of draws unwanted attention.

Locke. Given the total absence of Jacob (those scenes where he manipulates Hurley don't really do it for me), the Locke-ness Monster is getting so much screen time that it is difficult not to sympathize with his side. After all, Jacob's only purpose, I think, is to protect the Island. But why? And from who? The motivation for Jacob is so hazy that his character and his plan are not really that compelling.

Especially when compared to Smocke, who is leading his team with a real sense of purpose. Why, Coach Smocke even took the opportunity to gather his team around him and have them take a knee.

He still deals in half-truths, however. Having him say, "the Smoke Monster killed them" sounds very much like when I pass off the previous night's destruction by saying, "Charlie was drinking." True enough, yes. Completely true, not quite.

This episode also revealed that, like all monsters, the Man in Black had a mother. That whole soliloquy concerning crazy mothers and unavoidable fates oh and, by the way, Aaron has a crazy mother came completely out of left field. What purpose did it serve? Is he trying to prompt Kate into stealing the baby again? Is this his way of getting rid of her? Does he think it'll be easier if Kate and Claire just killed each other?

Also, Smocke, if you want to fly the plane off the island, you should have really recruited Lapidus to your side. Because if this show ends with the pilot-less plane crashing on another island, people will be pissed.

Widmore. New drinking rule. Every time we see Widmore sitting at a table writing or examining some document, take a drink. Seriously, every time he appears on screen he is sitting at a table. It's his version of Richard Alpert's "I'm coming out of the jungle with my hands up" shtick.

Is Widmore on Team Jacob? He seems to be itching to fight Smokey. But didn't Widmore try to kill everyone on the island, while at the same time authorizing Keamy to kill a fourteen-year old girl? Moreover, wasn't he banished from the island by Ben Linus? And wasn't Linus working under the auspices of Jacob? How can both of them be on Team Jacob? Who's being lied to? Does Julie Cooper have a hand in all of this?

Gar. I'm so confused. Let me retreat to a place that I understand.

...

Is it just me or did that chick Zoe have a really good "sexy librarian" thing going?

Jin. Broken dragon had one line this episode. With it, he reached the allotted fifteen words per week granted to the SunandJin combo, and thus dutifully bowed out for the remaining 59 minutes left in the hour.

I would like to ask what his splint is made out of, though. Another one of Claire's bay-bees?

Sayid. Perhaps he is just shell-shocked, but his "conversation" with Kate screamed "ZOMBIE!" If this was the zombie apocalypse, he would have been shot in the head forthwith.

Next week we discover the origin of Dorian Gray Richard Alpert. "I have seen things on this island you wouldn't believe," he says. They must sure be something to have eyelined his eyes like that.

The Rain Song

I have given in to the torrential rains and have begun to build an ark.

It is clear now that God finally noticed us again and has, once again, decided to drown us. It has rained non-stop for what seems like seven years now. The state of Massachusetts is in a state of emergency. The roads are gone and the rails are cracking. The powers that be have dammed the subway.

There is no escaping it. The great flood has come and we stand in its way. God have mercy on us all.

Because my apartment is on the sixth floor, I should be able to survive beyond the point where most of of the people on earth will die. In fact, because I have an endless supply of Chewy granola bars and raisins, I should make it through the 40 days and 40 nights of rain with a little luck and a prayer.

At that point, repopulating the Earth should be our first concern and order of business. Because of this, I regret to inform my readership that only females aged 20-29 will be allowed access into my apartment to save themselves. Baking experience preferred.

All other applicants are advised to look for alternate accommodations. Otherwise, you'd cramp both my apartment and my style.

That's What She Said! XI

Talking about cabin fever.

Her: yeah

well, after a few days, you'll be back to having most people get on your nerves

so enjoy it while it lasts

Me: a few days?

i'll give you two

Her: haha.. I assumed you'd last longer than me

Cf. Urbandictionary

In writing my paper, I have come across the following problem:

Is it appropriate to cite to urbandictionary.com in an academic paper?

No, wait. Hear me out!

I am writing a paper concerning the regulation of offensive speech by fans in sports arenas by public universities, and whether policies drafted to sanction that speech would violate the First Amendment.

Naturally, in the course of my paper I have to mention specific instances of behavior. This wouldn't be "fun" otherwise. And sometimes why that behavior is offensive is not immediately apparent.

For example:

"In a separate incident, University of Kansas students greeted the infamous Texas Tech coach Bill Knight with repeated chants of “Salad Tosser.” While most people would take no notice of such a remark – other than to note how bizarre it is – the term is actually a euphemism for a rather unappealing sexual activity. CITE"

What else can I possibly cite to, if not urbandictionary.com?

Of course, I could leave the term uncited. But what if my professor doesn't know what that means? What does he then do? Does he google "salad tosser?" FRAUGHT WITH PERIL. Does he, God forbid, straight up ask me what it means? FRAUGHT WITH EVEN MORE PERIL.

On the other hand, citing an academic paper to a website that gives you more than ten pages of Blumpkin definitions seems the height of unprofessionalism. And let's face it, it's not like my paper needs the help in that regard.

Is There a Doctor in the House?

It's pretty much impossible not to enjoy a Ben Linus episode. Despite being beaten up more than anyone on TV since Shemp Howard, Linus remains Lost's best character. And on a show that boasts characters such as Locke, Desmond, and Sawyer, that's an accomplishment indeed. How someone can thread the line between a toady and a Machiavellian mastermind so ably is beyond me. And despite looking no more intimidating than that weirdo everyone knew back in high school, Linus is the show's most menacing character, and every time he is on screen is a treat.

Ben. Michael Emerson absolutely nailed it this episode. That scene in the jungle with Ilana? Absolutely effing brilliant. But first things first.

Dr. Linus, TFA graduate, is somehow best friends with Leslie Arzt. The poor bastard. No matter what, Linus can't get a win, can he? Even after all this time, Ben can only hang out with perhaps the most annoying character the show has ever produced. Oh, shut up, Frogurt.

And he doesn't get any respect. I mean, he didn't go through five years of evil Other school to be called mister, thank you very much.

The sideways story was saturated in subtext. The island of Elba where a powerless Napoleon roams, in charge in name only. Power struggles. The tanks of oxygen for his dad, who in this world was never gassed by his son. Making sure Tracy Flick's Alex's life is not destroyed. I don't think any other character has had a sideways glance where the storyline in the sideways world mirrored so closely the actual island world.

Except this was high school, of course. For a minute, I was really afraid that the pervert comment was prompting us down the path of a high school special -- although, if that were the case, I'm sure Linus would have killed the principal, which would have been awesome.

As it was, the epic power struggle (that was sarcasm) really magnifies what the split between realities means for Linus. In one world, he can literally move islands. In the other? He wants to be a high school principal.

Not the most pressing of stakes, but it's nice to see Linus get a chance to help out Alex at his own expense. Yale is better than being shot in the head, I suppose. But at least it wasn't Princeton.

Over on the Island, Linus got sold out in the worst way possible, and for no reason. ... Ok, I guess telling the truth is a good reason, but where's the fun in that?

I've never understood the "dig your own grave, convict" line of reasoning. If I'm a dead man walking, I'll be damned if I'm going to exert myself for your convenience. I may die sooner, true. But if you must insist on killing me, I will make you deal with the consequences. So you dig the damn grave. And if you don't bury me? I don't care because I'm dead. But I will smell. SO YOU LOSE ANYWAY!

I thought we were going to see Linus bite it this episode. But then the Lockeness Monster shows up and offers him stewardship of the Island. It's what he's always wanted! All Linus has to do is run, grab a gun, kill the minor character, and join the army of the undead. It makes too much sense!

But not this time. Instead, Linus re-ups with demption and chooses the path of good. Choosing not to kill Ilana, he instead confesses his sins. And this scene was phenomenal. Michael Emerson can really take dialogue that would be schmaltz in the hands of a lesser actor and spin it into gold. Why would you go to Locke? "Because he's the only one who'll have me," he sputters, broken at last. Benjamin Linus, the one person on the Island who (kind of) knew what was going on, is reduced to this. How the mighty have fallen.

But he sure seems to have a shot at redemption, doesn't he? He rejoins Team Jacob, despite having killed its captain. Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but Linus is going to be given a chance to do some good.

And maybe it's all he has left. That last scene, with everyone reunited and happy, all Linus was doing was standing off to the side, hunched with his terrible posture, awkward and barely acknowledged. This is the man who is best friends with Leslie Arzt in the other world. How the mighty have fallen, indeed.

Ilana. Xena the Warrior Princess bugs me. For a character with about ten total minutes of screen time, she sure is marching around the Island like she owns the place.

I mean, you can't threaten a major character like Linus when you've only been on the show for that little amount of time. You have to earn it, woman.

I'm torn. On the one hand, she desperately needs a flashback in order to gain some relevance and move away from her current, "who is this and where does she get off" status. On the other hand, I would hate for Lost to sacrifice any of their remaining nine hours on her, leaving us with less time for the Sawyers and Desmonds of the world.

So I was really rooting for Linus to kill her. When he had her at gunpoint, I thought, YES. We're going to get rid of another Dogen and Lennon! But then Linus had his moment of redemption, which is great for his character. Unfortunately, it has the unwanted side effect of more time spent looking at this woman walk up and down the beach with a rifle, looking like she got to Disneyland three minutes after it closed.

Miles. Dude, way to sell out Linus. Although I'll give you bonus points for the mocking "Uh oh." Well played.

Oh, and picking up the diamonds Nikki and Paolo were buried with? Excellent. Somehow picking up the "jabronies" nickname that Sawyer called them? Odd. Odd indeed.

Jack. The other day, my mom scolded me for always making fun of Jack. Of course, now I will always make fun of him. In fact, I live in fear of the day when we'll have an episode where Jack avoids doing something stupid. Luckily, this was not that episode.

Suicidal guy you know: I want to die, but I can't kill myself. Would you kill me?
Dr. Shepherd: Sure! Dynamite ok?

As your attorney, Dr. Kevorkian, I would like to remind you that physician-assisted euthanasia is illegal in 47 states.

Perhaps I am being unfair to Jack. After all, he knew that the dynamite would not explode and he was merely using the threat of blowing himself up like a suicide bomber to make a point. Right? I mean, he was certain that Jacob wouldn't let him die, just like he didn't let the other 102 names that are crossed off die. Does that make sense? Surely he has forgotten about the incredible exploding Arzt, even though it happened right in front of him. Isn't it clear? He couldn't have said what he said to Richard without a lit fuse of dynamite, no way, no sir, no how.

All I'm saying is, Sideways Locke better not go to see Jack about his paralysis. Because Jack is going to grab Locke and jump out the 8th floor window with him.

Hurley. Reunion time! As Adam said, nothing is funnier than Hurley running. Those slo-mo shots where everyone reunites back on the beach are always nice, though do you really think Sun and Hurley would literally run towards each other? Shouldn't they have reserved that shot for the Jin-Sun reunion?

And is anyone else upset the soaring violins prevented us from hearing four drink-activating "Dude, you're alive!" exclamations this episode?

Richard. The ageless wonder sunk deep into despair this week. Apparently, when Jacob touches you, he gives you a gift. Richards' gift is agelessness. I would have said immortality, but it seems he can be killed by other people. And that's a pretty crappy gift, isn't it? Richard, you can't kill yourself, but you sure can be killed by others. Um, thanks?

Next week, Widmore brings war to the Island. Also important, we learned that there was indeed a Dharma initiative and that they did spend some time on the Island. So what actually happened to sink it is anyone's guess.

As for now, I'm off to call my congressman and demand more Sawyer. I suggest you do the same.

All Work and No Play

As I sit here and gather information for my 30-page cert paper, I would me remiss if I did not acknowledge the most American of breaks.

Spring Break WOOOO is upon us and, once again, I find myself going nowhere.

Forces have conspired to keep me from taking my shirt off for beads. Unlike summers past, however, these are not police forces, or even the forces of decency.

No. Instead, I have to sit here and write a 30 page paper. Unlike last year, where I had the option of writing a paper and taking a final (I chose the final when on paper due date eve I had only two pages written), this time I have to write the paper, or else I don't graduate. While this would allow me to avoid checking off "unemployed" on questionnaires for a year, I can't take another year of dealing with LLMs.

It should be interesting. I haven't written a paper since first semester of senior year back in college. That was almost four years ago. I haven't exactly forgotten how to write, but I have forgotten how to write anything that is a blog post composed almost exclusively of double entendres and jokes about balls.

The most interesting part about this spring break, however?

Since everyone from the law school is gone, I have nothing to do but work by myself in my one-bedroom cave all day. It's Tuesday now, and the lack of human contact has made me go a little stir crazy. Cabin fever has set in. The only person I see is the one with the burgeoning beard (10 days now) staring at me from the mirror. And the voices inside my head grow louder by the minute.

My prediction is that by the end of the week, I'll have gone crazy from being in solitary confinement. I feel like a Franciscan monk shut up in his cave with only his scrolls to keep him company. All work and no play make Jack ... something something.

So if I come at you while you're eating and steal your sandwich, it won't be for the usual reasons. Instead, it will be because I've gone feral.

My apologies.

Random Video of the Day LXXIII

Jimmy Kimmel gets himself kicked out of the Handsome Man Club. And Matthew McConaughey completes his transformation into Wooderson.

Yesterday's Newspaper

Over the weekend, The Cornell Daily Sun elected a new batch of editors.

I was a member of the 124th editorial board. This new one? The 128th.

That's right, with the introduction of the new batch of editors, I now have a little little little little brother in the Associate Editor lineage. I'm a fracking great-great-grandfather. Terrific.

This means that I no longer know anyone at the paper. Anyone. Four years ago, I settled nicely into middle management and helped run the place. And now, just like that, no one at that newsroom knows who I am.

In the past couple of years, I could walk into the Sun office at random, carrying a case of beer. People would go, "Oh my God, you're back!" and rush to hug the case of beer. There would be a handful of people who did not recognize me, and would wonder at this older man who brings in beer for no reason. But at least I got to see some of the kids I knew. That was nice.

Now? If I walk into the office with a case of beer, the new editors would simply assume I am a guy who got lost on the way to some engagement party or baby shower or something equally horrifying. Never mind that the press pass I swindled from the Houston Astros hangs on the Sports Wall. I'm done. The kids would relieve me of the beer, and then kindly direct me to the unemployment office.

How far along are we? The new editorial board includes the following positions: Coordinator of Brand Management, Coordinator of New Business Ventures, and, last but most bewildering, Coordinator of Online Client Management.

I understood half the words in that sentence. I'll spare you the "In my day..." musing that would only show how quickly the college newspaper world has passed me by. Instead, I'll leave you with this:

Some of these kids were born in the 90s. Good Lord. I occasionally drink Scotch that is older than some of them.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sit down, stare at the horizon, and ponder.

Ethics Schmethics

Tomorrow I will be tested to see if I am ethical enough to become a lawyer. I don't imagine chefs are screened for possible anorexia when attempting to get a license, but what can you do.

You would imagine that the bar is rather low in this regard. And indeed, everyone who has passed the MPRE (the exam) or teaches about it will fall all over themselves to tell us that we too shall pass.

But goddamnit, being ethical is hard. Every fiber of my being resists the urge to choose the answers that the people on their high horse want us to choose. An opportunity to make more money? Don't take it. A chance to screw over the opposition? Let it be.

Like Tom Haverford, I am a fan of telling other people to take the high road. That way, there's more room for me on the low road.

Which is why I have adopted the following strategy: Read the question and look at the answers. Find the answer that makes the most sense to me. Pick the answer that directly contradicts that.

Even then there's no guarantee. I took a practice exam and took an ultra-cautious approach, nitpicking over the tiniest details, going out of my way to be ethical. This Rainbow Brite approach has me barely passing. Or perhaps not.

Then I took the lawyer approach -- look for loopholes that would allow me to engage in whatever conduct I felt was most appropriate. This common sense approach served me better than the Rainbow Brite plan, but not by much.

I am still very far away from being comfortable enough to take this test. Not being allowed to be a lawyer because I'm too unethical seems the ultimate slap in the face. It would be like keeping Darth Vader out of the Evil League of Evil because, you know, maybe he could take it down a notch.

I am not panicking, not quite yet. But give me a few more hours. And, in the meantime, pray for me.

Man on the Run

People keep asking me to participate in the law school's 5K run. The only way I'm running more than a mile is if there are at least three federal agencies chasing me, I've finally run out of ammo, and one of the Great Lakes is within my sights.

This is not an invitation.

Welcome Back to the Circus

Last week, I said we had to be patient with Lost. If the last couple of episodes have been a little light on the action, it's because the writers were setting things up and putting them in motion. If this was a chessboard, tonight's terrific episode was when the smoke monster got angry and swiped the pieces off the board. Pretty much everyone is in the same place now. As Judge Mills Lane said, Let's get it on!

Sayid. I have to hand it to Naveen Andrews. Sayid episodes aren't usually my favorite episodes, partly because Sayid lacks any hint of a sense of humor. (Anyone else finding Jin in a refrigerator would have made a leftover Korean food joke). His episodes are usually exercises in intense brooding, broken up only by the occasional golf club execution. Moreover, if your Lost drinking game included a "Drink whenever an allusion to torture is made" rule, we'd all be dead by the first commercial break.

I'm going to ignore the whole sideways story, because -- frankly -- it really sucked. A couple of weeks ago, I made fun of Kate because her episodes were soap operas. Well, in today's story, Sayid really wants Nadia but can't have her because she is married to his brother, who in turn is in debt and has to call Dial-a-Torturer to get out of trouble. This almost looked like a Desperate Housewives parody of Lost. What would happen if we put Sayid on Wisteria Lane?

One more note about the Sideways Sayid. When the kids went, "Mommy! Uncle Sayid has a picture of you in his bag!" how many of you thought it was a naked picture? Anyone? Anyone? Just me? Fine, I have problems.

And with all of that out of the way, Naveen Andrews really brought it this episode. The Sayid-centric storyline on the Island was tremendous stuff. At this point, you can really buy Sayid as someone with nothing else to lose, given in to nihilism and destruction. The scene where Linus comes to rescue Sayid, saying, "There's still time," and Sayid smiles in a sad, defeated, almost bemused way and says, "Not for me" was a perfect example of this. Just chilling.

Plus, we had the awesome ninja fight between Sayid and Dogen, going all Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon on each other. Every time you thought the fight was over, BOOM. MORE NINJA. Most of the fights on the show are the drunken barroom haymaker variety. This one? Pure karate. Splinter would be proud.

Sayid got turned around every which way this episode. First he is lured into a ninja fight. Then he is banished. Then he is given the Sword of a Thousand Truths and told to go kill Smokey. So he goes and tries and stabs Locke. Fail. Now he has to return to the temple and tell them they'll all be killed. And then he drowns Dogen in the Lazarus Pit and goes all Mark David Chapman and kills Lennon.

Yes, the incoherence in Sayid's actions this week was worthy of Jack. But here it made sense. Why? Because Sayid has joined the dark side, and it makes total effing sense. He has nothing else going for him except for a dubious promise made by a fellow who can't bleed. Kill a samurai, then? Sure, why not.

Dogen. And so we bid farewell to the Pirate Mr. Miyagi. Many people question the wisdom of introducing new characters so late in the series, when all we want to do is watch the characters we already know shoot each other. I'd disagree. Dogen was worth it, if only for the awesome ninja fight scene between him and Sayid.

Plus, even in death we learned something new about him. It's OK to throw his plants. But it's not OK to throw his baseball.

And I'm not entirely sure we're done with him. Something about killing someone in a Lazarus Pit seems off to me. Perhaps it works the same paradoxical magic where people come back to life in their graves in zombie movies. Wouldn't it be ironic if Dogen turned out to be the zombie?

Locke. Something wicked this way comes. The Locke-ness monster was clearly marked as the incarnation of evil by everyone on the temple, but we have to take them with a grain of salt. They are the opponents. They are supposed to say things like that. As a member of the Prosecutor Program for the criminal clinic, I myself frequently refer to the public defenders representing the homeless, impoverished, and destitute as "the incarnations of darkness and evil." They are the adversaries, and to them we must bring war.

That said, it certainly does make sense to brand Smokey as the force of evil. Who do we know always promises what your heart most desires? Why, our friend Lucifer, of course. That whole scene where Locke promised Sayid that he could have Nadia back reeked of Jesus being tempted in the desert. And, unlike with history's favorite Jew, this time the whole spiel worked.

Speaking of spiels, did anyone else get flashbacks to Jim Jones and to the folks who killed themselves upon the arrival of the Hale-Bopp comet when Locke cautioned the Anothers to join him before sundown? Don't drink the Gatorade! It's made out of people! Peeeeople!

I don't know what was more badass. Locke getting stabbed in the gut and saying, "Now why would you go and do that?" HOLY JEBUS. Or the Smoke Monster going all shock and awe and tearing apart the temple like it was a stroll in the park where you salt the earth and set the joggers on fire.

And, to paraphrase the immortal words of McBain, "My eyes! Ze ashes do Nothing!"

Claire. Firmly entrenched in Team Smokey, Claire was the first one sent into the temple, presumably as a pawn. She then got tossed in the hole, which, for the first time in the history of Hollywood, was an actual hole. Somewhere, Andy Dufresne smiled.

And then we got treated to Claire sitting in the hole, holding her knees, singing a lullabye, waiting for her friend to come. Just in case you missed it, Claire is crazy.

Also, when she told Dogen to "Speak English," I totally had a John Rocker flashback.

Kate. I always thought Sawyer had the best death stare on the show. But the look Kate got when she told Claire that she had raised Aaron was absolutely withering. Imagine Obama's "shut the f#$% up, Biden" stare, and then multiply that by ten. Thousand.

Also, maybe it's me, but there has to be a better way of telling someone that you took their baby than by saying "I took your baby." Why not, "Your baby's safe on the mainland with your mother, Claire, and far away from a hydrogen bomb, a monster made of smoke, and Jack Shepherd." No, instead they tell crazy, "I took your baby and raised him." That's baby-snatcher talk. Kate's getting an axe in the ribs.

And was it just me, or did that guard totally molest Kate when he yanked her away from Claire? Seriously, go back and look at it again. The guard slips his arms under Kate's armpits, brazenly grabs her boobs, and pulls her up. Drunk people trying to cop a feel are more subtle. I guarantee you dude got slapped when the cameras stopped rolling.

And it seems Kate has kind of joined Smokey's team, seemingly by default. Seriously, she's only with them because she pulled the "I seem to have lost my friends in the crowd leaving the concert, so I guess I'll just walk with these people until I see someone I know again" move.

That's my take on Kate's motivation for joining Team Smokey. As for Smokey's motivation for recruiting Kate? I suspect she's Claire's reward for doing whatever she did at the temple. As always, I eagerly await Kate and Claire's fight to the death. In the mud.

Keamy. Hey look! It's Keamy! And now he's dead. Thanks for playing.

Miles. Our buddy the ghost whisperer finally had more than two lines in the episode. Granted, it was only three or four, but we all have to start somewhere. Plus, they were winning lines -- "Welcome back to the Circus" could have been a great episode title. I must, however, quibble with his description of Claire: "Acting all weird. Still hot, though." The first part is the understatement of the century. The second part? Sure, Woodstock '69 Claire is hot, but if I was looking to hit that, I'd do my best to have our first location be the shower.

Also, Miles's question of Kate, "Sawyer sent you packing, huh?" is now going to replace "Re-JECTED" as the making-fun-of-your buddy-who-just-struck-out-at-the-bar line. I'm amazed Kate didn't snap his neck after that question. Oof.

Misc. I guess Jake ain't done staring at the ocean. And where the hell is Sawyer? On a positive note, I guess we might get a Ben episode next week, which is terrific. I really want to see what makes him send kids to detention in his European History class.

We Put the Lost in Springfield

Like kegs 'n' eggs, sometimes the union of two awesome things yields something even more awesome. This illustration answers that age old question:

What would happen if Oceanic 815 crashed in Springfield?


I'm telling you. Mr. Burns is an incarnation of the smoke monster. IT MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE.

The Revitalization of Roger Ebert

I know everyone and their mother has asked everyone else and their father to read Esquire's phenomenal profile of Roger Ebert. I'd like to add myself to the chorus. Seriously, go read it. If it were a piece of fiction, it would win an O. Henry award. As it is, it's not. The part where Ebert, who can no longer talk, "screams" in anger over the pettiness of the Disney attorneys is heartbreaking.

And while you're at it, go check out his blog. The man writes like Da Vinci paints: precise, bold, and with enough meaning and layers to overwhelm all but the most able of readers. I've highlighted his writing before, but it bears mentioning: the man is a giant of the written word, and all we can do is bask in the stream before it runs out.

As a bonus, Will Leitch wrote a tremendous paean to the man in Deadspin today. Terrific stuff, especially the part about the sex on the desk (not between them, mind you). I wish we all had quasi-mentors like this.