No Hugging!

First we had the swine flu epidemic. Now, the plague comes in the form of hugging.

According to the NYT, hugging has become rampant in our high schools, with millions of students pressing their chests -- and yes, sometimes even their groins -- together, while simultaneously throwing their arms around one another and squeezing.

The reporter does an extremely thorough job analyzing the mechanics and sociology of hugging, and dives into it with zeal. She explores every nuance and researches every possibility, leaving no stone unturned. It is unknown if she actually hugged someone herself, just to see what all the fuzz was about, but this kind of probing and hard-hitting journalism surely bodes well for the future of newspapers.

According to science, "Hugging" is a direct cause of AIDS and illiteracy, and may have even had a hand in 9/11. So, of course, principals are confronting the problem head-on, crossing their arms firmly lest they become the unwitting victims of an unsolicited hug.

According to principal Don Tochmee from New Jersey (of course), “Touching and physical contact is very dangerous territory.” In the junior high school he runs, hugging has been banned for two years, and teen pregnancies are down half-a-percent. Perhaps this is a result of the hug ban, or perhaps it is because their sex ed teacher finally stopped giving out condoms stapled to an abstinence brochure. Whatever the case may be, the principal's principled stand against hugging surely deserves recognition.

Because, of course, we all know hugging leads to humping, which leads to f*&$ing, which leads to babies, which leads to the rise of the welfare state, which leads to the end of America, which leads to the zombie apocalypse.

I mean, think about it. If Palin's little girl and the skater guy had never hugged, they would have never had baby mama drama, resulting in a McCain presidency followed shortly by a Palin presidency -- events that would have prevented the rise of socialism we see in America today.

Wow. Hugging made us communists. Who knew?

While some will surely be absolutely devastated (what does this mean for bears?), the prohibition on hugging does spell the end of many awkward situations, including but not limited to the ass-out hug, the aborted hug, the too-long hug, the crashing of the foreheads when both of you go for the same side during the hug, the reaching too far to get a side-boob graze, the rare and mystifying hand-on-neck hug, and, of course, everyone's secret shame -- the hug chubby.

It is unknown if this prohibition extends to the common farewell signatures in letters and emails: that is, the XOXOXO. If the ban on hugging does indeed extend to this, people will have to either sign off as XXX or OOO, depending on local custom. Misunderstandings will surely follow.

I tend to get huggy on occasion. Naturally, I am both shocked and saddened by the news. How on Earth do I express affection now? A headbutt? A stroke of the hair? A kick to the rear? To the groin? Can we butt-bump? No?

This is so confusing. I guess I need a hug. Ironically, it's the one thing I can't get.