The Sims of all Fears

A long time ago, before even college, my brother bought a copy of The Sims. Like most -- if not all -- computer games, it was fun for a couple of days. Then you realized that making your Sim study was even more boring than studying yourself.

And there were other things as well. For instance, you had to make your Sim poop every day. If you forgot, he'd start waving at you and dance around, and he'd have a little thought balloon that was a picture of a toilet. And if you didn't send it to the bathroom, it pooped its pants. And became sad.

It was a weird game.

I've never been much into computer games. Doom, for one, was tedious. Essentially, you walk around a labyrinth where the hallways all look the same, and occasionally shoot monsters that hide behind the next corner. Myst was like going to a museum. Yes, the pictures are pretty but you really have no clue what's going on. And when my college roommate showed me Warcraft, and we spent a good fifteen minutes watching his character walk (yes, walk -- in real time) from the Valley of Nerdz to Geeque Glen, well, that was it for me.

But at least you were something else in those games. In The Sims, you basically got to force a little digital you to do the most boring parts of the endless routine that is life.

"Oooooh, my Sim is on a treadmill. Ooooh, now my Sim is washing the dishes. Ooooh, my Sim is doing laundry and he seems to have mixed in a red sweater with his whites! (Chuckles) Will my Sim ever learn? Oh, Sim."

Because I haven't played a computer game in years, perhaps I am behind the times. So I don't know if the latest incarnation of The Sims, out today, allows you to do more exciting things. You know, things that I can't do in my every day life like running a drug ring, running over kids on skateboards, or running, period.

Otherwise, The Sims seems to me like something you would have seen satirized in the golden years of The Simpsons -- a guy sitting at a computer making his character sit at the computer. Then we zoom in and see that the character is making his own character sit at a computer. Then we zoom in more and we see the same thing. Cold horror takes hold as we notice that this cycle is endless and futile. In time, we realize that the whole thing cycles back and God himself is at His computer, killing time until the pizza delivery guy comes in. Egads.

Please don't click the X, God. My Sim still needs to shower and (sniffs) so do I.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to explore possible trades in my fantasy baseball league.