Two Weddings and Forcible Removal

We all know how I feel about marriage. To say they are mixed feelings is an understatement. Marriage is simultaneously my worst fear and my greatest necessity.

This weekend, one of my very good friends is getting married. It's in Cape Cod, on the beach, and good friends are coming, and she's awesome, and they're a terrific couple and they're going to be tremendously happy together. Someone will cry, someone will get too drunk, and even if it rains we'll have tons of fun doing the conga line because everybody freaking congas at a wedding.

But like I said, my feelings on marriage are complex. This is why, during the wedding, one of two things will probably happen.

I could sit there during the ceremony and then realize that I'm at an age where my friends are starting to get married and have, at best, a freak-out. At worst, it'll be a full scale panic attack. I will then have to be restrained from tackling the minister, and will be forcibly removed from the proceedings kicking and screaming all the way. I will then break free of my captors and run to D.C., where I'll become one of those fringe lunatics trying to get a particular piece of legislation passed. My cause? Abolishing marriage. Failing that, at least limiting it to those who are over 35 years of age. My argument? The fact that, in Spanish, the word for wife is esposa. The word for handcuffs? Wouldn't you know it. Esposas. It makes perfect sense, Senator. Pass this bill.

Or I could sit there and realize this is a golden opportunity. Do the math. Me plus Attractive women high on hormones and the air of commitment plus Tequila plus An ordained Minister. Equals? A guaranteed stay in America, of course. If lucky, I can slip the minister a twenty dollar bill that I'll fold as if it's a hundred dollar bill, drag a cute girl in a strapless dress in front of him, and have him marry us before she realizes what the hell is going on. We'll then consummate the marriage in a small room somewhere nearby, preferably one without a window, and voila! A marriage with full legal force and effect in these United States of America.

Who knows? Maybe both things happen. It is entirely possible that I propose to someone I just noticed while being led away in handcuffs by the police. Apt, I guess.

I'll do my best not to ruin the wedding, and promise to behave.

Oh look. There's an open bar. Of course.

Say, baby, do you want to be Mrs. Charlie from Ohio? No? How about you? Oh, right, you just got married. Sorry. Well, what about her? She didn't get married today too, did she? Hey! Let's get married! Oh, you said no already. Damnation.