Speed-y Gonzalez

Mexico, long regarded as the land where laws go to die, is about to get rid of even more arbitrarily enforced laws. The Mexican legislature has passed a bill that will decriminalize small amounts of most drugs.

Yes, even cocaine. Yay!

Upon the President’s signature, possession of small quantities of drugs will no longer be a crime in Mexico. With that, cocaine, pot, meth and other such sundry items will join underage drinking, fraudulent speculating, shorts on 60-year-olds, and dog-fighting on the list of “Things that should be illegal but are not.”

Now, before y’all rush to Expelocity.com to book the next available flight to what, in essence, has become America’s Amsterdam, hold your horses for a second. The new laws only decriminalize possession of a small quantity of drugs – amounts deemed to be for “personal and immediate” use. So your young entrepreneur’s idea to bring crack back is whack, even if you’re bringing crack back to your crack whore(s).

And, even though the police will still prosecute you now for trafficking, that is still not nearly half as terrifying as the other consequences of trying to sell drugs in direct competition with Mexican druglords. Look at it this way: It would be the same situation as if you were a deer and the Mexican cops were a mountain lion – which can be bad for you, but meh – and the cartels were a pack of huge lions with automatic machine guns that they bought from America.

There is still a chance that the bill does not pass. Mexican lawmakers last attempted to decriminalize drugs in 2006. Vicente Fox was about to sign the bill and make it a law when he changed his mind overnight the United States called and said, No way, Jose.

The point of the initiative is to help shift resources away from prosecuting Doug, the pothead next door who only poses a threat to the cats that he routinely forgets to feed, and towards prosecuting Carlos,* who lives in a nice apartment and forbids people from looking in the closet, behind the suits. I, for one, am appalled this initiative and hereby recommend that the DEA, the CIA, the FBI, state and federal agents, and other such figures of authority immediately take measures to condemn this policy and ensure that nothing like it ever happens here in the United States.

In the event that some of you out there will venture to Mexico to delight in the smorgasbord of easily available drugs, I just ask that you take to this with a discerning eye and the level-headed moderation that you are known for. Remember the dos and dont's of selling and/or purchasing drugs:

1. Do approach from the front, as drug dealers tend to be overly anxious and excitable.

2. Do pack heat.

3. Don't attempt to short-change a man with the scars on his face.

4. Don't forget to say "please" and "thank you."

5. Do shoot first and don't ask questions later.

Please enjoy your drug buffet and remember that what happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico, your one-stop destination for the impunity high.

*not his real name