A couple of you may have noticed that I have neglected my blogging duties in the past couple of weeks. This is because it is my final finals week.
I have failed to post here because I have been busy revising my cert paper -- the 25 to 30 page monstrosity that each law school student must complete before he is given his walking papers. Because of this, my daily quota of written words expires rather quickly, and I am forced to neglect the weblog.
Thankfully, the paper is done and completed. It won't win a Pulitzer, or even a Webby, but at the very least it resembles something like an actual text. And it's even written in something that approximates English! There's full sentences with nouns and verbs and predicates and I even threw in some actual syntax! Wheee!
For someone who loses interest halfway through a complex sentence, writing 28 pages was a hell of a challenge . . . LOOK! THAT SQUIRREL HAS A BUSHY TAIL! COME HERE, SQUIRREL!
I'm sorry. Anyway, 28 pages is a lot of pages. If I can't write a coherent blog post, then a coherent formal paper is beyond me.
But they made me do it and now it's done, so God Bless America. Perhaps the best part about being done is that I will no longer have to sit down in the professor's office and discuss whether one can scream "You're a vagina!" at Tim Tebow with impunity. It sounds like fun, but not when the professor has his door open in a suite where seven other professors, including the dean of academic affairs, also have their offices with the doors open.
There is only one more obstacle between me and graduation: My final final. On Tuesday, I will be definitely be tested on IP and I potentially will not fail.
I can do this.
...
Send help.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I Lost my Poster
There was no Lost last night, but here's something to tide everyone over. Some guy has been making an iconic poster for every single Lost episode. They are awesome. Check them out.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Who the Hell is Anakin?
Last night we got one of the rarest of Lost occurrences: The Ensemble Episode!
This episode was all over the place. They had to draw from seven different stories and bring them together quickly, almost like the writers looked at the calendar and realized, Oh crap, we have to wrap things up. This reminded me of my Cold Stone Ice Cream theory, which is that the people at Cold Stone make ice cream the way drunk people make food. They go through the cupboards, grab everything in there -- peanut butter, gummi bears, chocolate bars, jalapeno peppers -- and throw it together, mash it up a little bit, and here it is. That will be six dollars, so I really hope you like it.
Since everybody was together and interacting and nobody was off kind of doing their own thing, I'm going to forego the usual character-by-character analysis and forge ahead with a straight recap with some thoughts sprinkled in.
The episode starts where we left off, in a Mexican stand-off at the Smocke compound. Smocke immediately disses Hurley and the rest of the crew and plays catch-up with Jack, which we all should have expected. And then we learn -- we got an Answer so everyone drink! -- that Christian Shephard was the Man in Black all along and that he played someone's daddy issues like a fiddle. Shout-out to Barney Stinson!
Meanwhile, I am happy to inform all of our alumni that Oceanic Reunion 2004 has finally found a venue! We will be holding the annual reunion at Jack Shephard's hospital, otherwise known as the only hospital in L.A.. Kindly RSVP in an expeditious manner.
At this point, the Sideways world seems to be converging around the central question: how do we manipulate the plot so that every castaway lands at Jack's hospital? I assume Sawyer and Miles will bring Sayid to the hospital so JinandSun can id him, which only leaves Kate, who is currently in custody of the LAPD, and Hurley, who is currently in custody of Libby. Guesses as to how they will get to the hospital?
On the Island, Claire meets up with Jack and says that he is the only family she has, so thanks for coming back. Awkward moment #1. Keep track of these.
Meanwhile, back in the sideways world, Sawyer the cop is once again attempting to sleep with one of his suspects. Just as I was writing down "Dude is totally hitting on her," Kate said, "Are you hitting on me?" It was kind of obvious that Sawyer's next move was going to be taking her to the interrogation room. But before they can do a cavity search (sorry), we get some news. Sawyer needs to arrest Sayid. Sawver vs. Sayid? Me likey.
Cut back to the Island, where Grungy Tina Fey (who finally took a shower) shows up out of nowhere and tells Smocke to give her back what he stole from her -- the package. She keeps referring to Desmond as an it, and it's kind of starting to bug me. You can't objectify men like this, writers. I might go back to school now for gender studies and write a dissertation about how this show perpetuates the objectification of men and sets back our struggle thousands of years. (See: Smocke as the Thing).
So Tina Fey shows up and literally starts dropping bombs and being all bad-ass. Call me, she says, and bad-assedly tosses the walkie-talkie to Smocke. But Smocke, not to be out-badassed, takes his stick and beats the walkie-talkie to death. And everybody goes, oooooh.
Back in the sideways universe, Desmond has followed Claire to the adoption clinic and proceeds to become ultra-aggressive. For a second, I thought Claire was going to blow the rape-whistle on Des. He wasn't exactly hitting on her, but it sure felt like that. Dude was coming on strong, wasn't he? I don't think that offering a lonely foreign girl who is like 10 months pregnant and at an adoption agency a free lawyer is good game, but what do I know. And look at that! It worked!
Cut to the biggest disappointment of my life as a Lost fan. If Juliet and Kate rolling around in the mud while handcuffed to each other was my best moment, this was the complete opposite of that.
I've always clamored for a lawyer on the show, and was a bit upset that either Sawyer or Ben Linus didn't get to moonlight as attorneys (litigation and corporate) over in the sideways world. I imagine they'd be good at it and it was a lost opportunity to get some representation on the show.
Instead we get this. Our Lost lawyer? Friggin' Ilana. Really, Lost writers? Really? The only lawyer on the show is the worst character on the show? Not cool! I know most people hate us, and I kind of get why, but way to perpetuate the stereotypes, guys. You set lawyers back at least 100 years. Now we're at -100. Thanks.
Back on the Island, Smocke is ready to make his move and commissions Sawyer to go find a boat. To help Sawyer find it, Smocke gives him a map that was drawn by one of the three-year olds he got from the Anothers. Worst map ever.
Sawyer then gives Jack the invite list for the booze cruise, which does not include Sayid or Claire. Apparently, zombies and crazies are not invited. And is it just me or does anyone else think that Jack would probably be terrible at a party? I bet you he is one of those drunks who mopes, and then, when confronted, cries.
Smocke then deputizes Sayid and orders him to execute Desmond, who is being held in a well. I assume that Smocke can't kill Desmond directly, because that would break the rules, and so needs someone else to go do the dirty work for him. Naturally, Sayid agrees.
And then we get the best scene of the episode. Granted, it was kind of by default, but it was still a pretty good scene. The conversation between Desmond and Sayid was terrific, with Henry Ian Cusick really bringing it. Even though the "talk him out of killing you calmly" trick has been done before, Desmond sold it, especially with the "What will you tell her?" line. Somewhere in his zombie brain, Sayid finally cracked. I will bet anyone ten dollars that Sayid did not execute his orders.
Also, that well looked to be about 12 feet deep. I really hope Desmond has a broken leg, because that thing seemed more escapable than they Hydra cages.
Over in the side-ways world, Sayid takes Cryptic Avenue instead of telling Nadia that the bad guys are dead and now he needs to hide from the cops. The minute I saw Miles alone, I knew we were going to get a Sawyer-Sayid fight. And I was stoked. Really stoked.
Instead we got the most disappointing fight in the show's history. It wasn't even a fight. Sawyer beat Sayid, perhaps the most resourceful guy on the Island, by tripping him with a garden hose. That was anti-climatic, to say the least. Onward.
On the Island, Sawyer asks Kate if she's ready to get wet. He kind of got over Juliet quickly, didn't he? Sawyer then makes sure his gun is well-strapped to his back, and then dives right back in the ocean with it. I don't know much about guns (really, I swear), but I know that, unless you took some time to take that gun apart and dry it off piece-by-piece, that gun is not going to fire now. And if the shells got wet? You might as well use that thing as a club.
On the march to Hydra Island, Sun gets to write her one line of the episode. Jack asks Claire why she is with Locke and she says that it's because he is the only one who didn't abandon her. Awkward Moment #2. Then Smocke goes off to see what was keeping Sayid and Jack gets his chance. Everyone -- ok, just the three of you! -- run this way!
And what do they see? Sawyer and Kate doing this:
THEY'RE ON A BOAT!
Everyone is ready to get on the boat and get the booze cruise started, but uh-oh. Claire, who had been slated to stay at Kinko's making copies, is there. Awkward moment #3.
In fact, this whole Claire doesn't get to go on the boat was SO awkward. I'm talking Office-level awkward. It was like when you are trying to put together a road trip. And you're running around inviting all your friends. And everyone of your friends asks you why you're not inviting Freakazoid. And you say, because we call her Freakazoid. And everyone shrugs and says OK, because that kind of makes a lot of sense.
But then, right when you're ready to leave, and everybody's got their bags and Kate has the chips and Frank brought the booze and, yo, Jack, you bring the steaks and the grill? Good. Everyone ready? Let's go! WE'RE ON A BOAT!
And the you turn around. And what do you see but Freakazoid, confused and hurt, pointing a gun at you.
AW-KWARD!
Claire and Kate make nice and Claire gets on the boat, much to Sawyer's chagrin. But off they go to Hydra Island to meet up with Widmore and hijack his sub. Sawyer's plan seems perfect.
Problem is, it isn't. And everyone knows it. Jack and Sawyer have a talk. And, for perhaps the first time in the history of the show, Jack is the one making sense. Sawyer's the one being obstinate and obtuse. Jack says the Island isn't done with them, and that there must be a reason -- a bad one -- why the Smocke-ness Monster wants them all off the Island so badly. Doc's got a point.
And then it got hilarious. Because of the circumstances, Sawyer can't do the "I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND, MISTER!" strategy, so he does the next best thing. He kicks Jack off the boat. In other words, the often cited but rarely used "Get out of the car" move. "Get off my boat,"President Harrison Ford Sawyer growls. And Jack does.
Meanwhile, Smocke suspects that Sayid did not execute the plan and then finds out that Sawyer stole his boat. So he's probably not too happy.
Cue Widmore, who initiates the blitzkrieg and attacks the jungle to the strains of "Ride of the Valkyries." Jack almost gets himself exploded. But then Smocke mistakes Jack for Alpert and carries a semi-conscious Jack into the Island where exploding trees are more likely to fall on them.
Over on Hydra Island, Sawyer arrives with Team Hijack the Submarine. And it seems he's been conned, which is somewhat disappointing. Boy, Sawyer went 0-for-the episode on this one. Yeesh.
We do get one piece of good news, and that is the Sun and Jin reunion. After three years, the moment everyone's been waiting for! This should be super emotional! A five-hanky moment! Play it, Jin and Sun! Make everyone cry!
Instead, it isn't really. One, it wasn't shot very well. There was not enough slo-mo and strings. (It sounds like I'm being sarcastic but I'm not. The tone felt off). Their coming together felt rushed. The cuts to everyone else's smiling faces were cheesy, Lapidus's "Looks like she found her voice again," was super cheesy. And they were speaking in English to each other, which was weird and really took you out of the story.
And two, the way the reunion was framed. Sun and Jin were on opposite sides of the sonic fence and, for about two seconds, I thought that the fence was on and that either Jin or Sun was going to get their brain fried. So instead of thinking, "Yay! They're back together!" I was thinking, "The writers can't possibly be THAT cruel." And if the director intended to do that, it ruined the moment intentionally, and if he didn't it ruined the moment accidentally. But whatever the intention was, YOU RUINED THE MOMENT, DIRECTOR. Shame.
Looking back over this recap, there's a lot of snark and sarcasm and I feel like I am being more of a jackass than I usually am. But I guess that just means the episode just didn't do it for me. I know that the writers need to get everyone in position for the looming finale, but everything about this episode felt scatter-shot and sloppy. And even scenes that should have killed -- the Sun and Jin reunion -- kind of fizzed out. And the awful scenes -- every scene between Jack and his son on Sideways world felt like an early 90s PSA -- were really awful.
I believe that this is a one time thing and a natural result of having to set up the final confrontation that will play out over the last couple of episodes. And scenes like the Desmond-Sayid conversation prove that this show still has it. They just have to focus and harness it.
There is no Lost next week (I know!), so God knows what I'll be doing with myself next Tuesday. Probably weep.
This episode was all over the place. They had to draw from seven different stories and bring them together quickly, almost like the writers looked at the calendar and realized, Oh crap, we have to wrap things up. This reminded me of my Cold Stone Ice Cream theory, which is that the people at Cold Stone make ice cream the way drunk people make food. They go through the cupboards, grab everything in there -- peanut butter, gummi bears, chocolate bars, jalapeno peppers -- and throw it together, mash it up a little bit, and here it is. That will be six dollars, so I really hope you like it.
Since everybody was together and interacting and nobody was off kind of doing their own thing, I'm going to forego the usual character-by-character analysis and forge ahead with a straight recap with some thoughts sprinkled in.
The episode starts where we left off, in a Mexican stand-off at the Smocke compound. Smocke immediately disses Hurley and the rest of the crew and plays catch-up with Jack, which we all should have expected. And then we learn -- we got an Answer so everyone drink! -- that Christian Shephard was the Man in Black all along and that he played someone's daddy issues like a fiddle. Shout-out to Barney Stinson!
Meanwhile, I am happy to inform all of our alumni that Oceanic Reunion 2004 has finally found a venue! We will be holding the annual reunion at Jack Shephard's hospital, otherwise known as the only hospital in L.A.. Kindly RSVP in an expeditious manner.
At this point, the Sideways world seems to be converging around the central question: how do we manipulate the plot so that every castaway lands at Jack's hospital? I assume Sawyer and Miles will bring Sayid to the hospital so JinandSun can id him, which only leaves Kate, who is currently in custody of the LAPD, and Hurley, who is currently in custody of Libby. Guesses as to how they will get to the hospital?
On the Island, Claire meets up with Jack and says that he is the only family she has, so thanks for coming back. Awkward moment #1. Keep track of these.
Meanwhile, back in the sideways world, Sawyer the cop is once again attempting to sleep with one of his suspects. Just as I was writing down "Dude is totally hitting on her," Kate said, "Are you hitting on me?" It was kind of obvious that Sawyer's next move was going to be taking her to the interrogation room. But before they can do a cavity search (sorry), we get some news. Sawyer needs to arrest Sayid. Sawver vs. Sayid? Me likey.
Cut back to the Island, where Grungy Tina Fey (who finally took a shower) shows up out of nowhere and tells Smocke to give her back what he stole from her -- the package. She keeps referring to Desmond as an it, and it's kind of starting to bug me. You can't objectify men like this, writers. I might go back to school now for gender studies and write a dissertation about how this show perpetuates the objectification of men and sets back our struggle thousands of years. (See: Smocke as the Thing).
So Tina Fey shows up and literally starts dropping bombs and being all bad-ass. Call me, she says, and bad-assedly tosses the walkie-talkie to Smocke. But Smocke, not to be out-badassed, takes his stick and beats the walkie-talkie to death. And everybody goes, oooooh.
Back in the sideways universe, Desmond has followed Claire to the adoption clinic and proceeds to become ultra-aggressive. For a second, I thought Claire was going to blow the rape-whistle on Des. He wasn't exactly hitting on her, but it sure felt like that. Dude was coming on strong, wasn't he? I don't think that offering a lonely foreign girl who is like 10 months pregnant and at an adoption agency a free lawyer is good game, but what do I know. And look at that! It worked!
Cut to the biggest disappointment of my life as a Lost fan. If Juliet and Kate rolling around in the mud while handcuffed to each other was my best moment, this was the complete opposite of that.
I've always clamored for a lawyer on the show, and was a bit upset that either Sawyer or Ben Linus didn't get to moonlight as attorneys (litigation and corporate) over in the sideways world. I imagine they'd be good at it and it was a lost opportunity to get some representation on the show.
Instead we get this. Our Lost lawyer? Friggin' Ilana. Really, Lost writers? Really? The only lawyer on the show is the worst character on the show? Not cool! I know most people hate us, and I kind of get why, but way to perpetuate the stereotypes, guys. You set lawyers back at least 100 years. Now we're at -100. Thanks.
Back on the Island, Smocke is ready to make his move and commissions Sawyer to go find a boat. To help Sawyer find it, Smocke gives him a map that was drawn by one of the three-year olds he got from the Anothers. Worst map ever.
Sawyer then gives Jack the invite list for the booze cruise, which does not include Sayid or Claire. Apparently, zombies and crazies are not invited. And is it just me or does anyone else think that Jack would probably be terrible at a party? I bet you he is one of those drunks who mopes, and then, when confronted, cries.
Smocke then deputizes Sayid and orders him to execute Desmond, who is being held in a well. I assume that Smocke can't kill Desmond directly, because that would break the rules, and so needs someone else to go do the dirty work for him. Naturally, Sayid agrees.
And then we get the best scene of the episode. Granted, it was kind of by default, but it was still a pretty good scene. The conversation between Desmond and Sayid was terrific, with Henry Ian Cusick really bringing it. Even though the "talk him out of killing you calmly" trick has been done before, Desmond sold it, especially with the "What will you tell her?" line. Somewhere in his zombie brain, Sayid finally cracked. I will bet anyone ten dollars that Sayid did not execute his orders.
Also, that well looked to be about 12 feet deep. I really hope Desmond has a broken leg, because that thing seemed more escapable than they Hydra cages.
Over in the side-ways world, Sayid takes Cryptic Avenue instead of telling Nadia that the bad guys are dead and now he needs to hide from the cops. The minute I saw Miles alone, I knew we were going to get a Sawyer-Sayid fight. And I was stoked. Really stoked.
Instead we got the most disappointing fight in the show's history. It wasn't even a fight. Sawyer beat Sayid, perhaps the most resourceful guy on the Island, by tripping him with a garden hose. That was anti-climatic, to say the least. Onward.
On the Island, Sawyer asks Kate if she's ready to get wet. He kind of got over Juliet quickly, didn't he? Sawyer then makes sure his gun is well-strapped to his back, and then dives right back in the ocean with it. I don't know much about guns (really, I swear), but I know that, unless you took some time to take that gun apart and dry it off piece-by-piece, that gun is not going to fire now. And if the shells got wet? You might as well use that thing as a club.
On the march to Hydra Island, Sun gets to write her one line of the episode. Jack asks Claire why she is with Locke and she says that it's because he is the only one who didn't abandon her. Awkward Moment #2. Then Smocke goes off to see what was keeping Sayid and Jack gets his chance. Everyone -- ok, just the three of you! -- run this way!
And what do they see? Sawyer and Kate doing this:
THEY'RE ON A BOAT!
Everyone is ready to get on the boat and get the booze cruise started, but uh-oh. Claire, who had been slated to stay at Kinko's making copies, is there. Awkward moment #3.
In fact, this whole Claire doesn't get to go on the boat was SO awkward. I'm talking Office-level awkward. It was like when you are trying to put together a road trip. And you're running around inviting all your friends. And everyone of your friends asks you why you're not inviting Freakazoid. And you say, because we call her Freakazoid. And everyone shrugs and says OK, because that kind of makes a lot of sense.
But then, right when you're ready to leave, and everybody's got their bags and Kate has the chips and Frank brought the booze and, yo, Jack, you bring the steaks and the grill? Good. Everyone ready? Let's go! WE'RE ON A BOAT!
And the you turn around. And what do you see but Freakazoid, confused and hurt, pointing a gun at you.
AW-KWARD!
Claire and Kate make nice and Claire gets on the boat, much to Sawyer's chagrin. But off they go to Hydra Island to meet up with Widmore and hijack his sub. Sawyer's plan seems perfect.
Problem is, it isn't. And everyone knows it. Jack and Sawyer have a talk. And, for perhaps the first time in the history of the show, Jack is the one making sense. Sawyer's the one being obstinate and obtuse. Jack says the Island isn't done with them, and that there must be a reason -- a bad one -- why the Smocke-ness Monster wants them all off the Island so badly. Doc's got a point.
And then it got hilarious. Because of the circumstances, Sawyer can't do the "I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND, MISTER!" strategy, so he does the next best thing. He kicks Jack off the boat. In other words, the often cited but rarely used "Get out of the car" move. "Get off my boat,"
Meanwhile, Smocke suspects that Sayid did not execute the plan and then finds out that Sawyer stole his boat. So he's probably not too happy.
Cue Widmore, who initiates the blitzkrieg and attacks the jungle to the strains of "Ride of the Valkyries." Jack almost gets himself exploded. But then Smocke mistakes Jack for Alpert and carries a semi-conscious Jack into the Island where exploding trees are more likely to fall on them.
Over on Hydra Island, Sawyer arrives with Team Hijack the Submarine. And it seems he's been conned, which is somewhat disappointing. Boy, Sawyer went 0-for-the episode on this one. Yeesh.
We do get one piece of good news, and that is the Sun and Jin reunion. After three years, the moment everyone's been waiting for! This should be super emotional! A five-hanky moment! Play it, Jin and Sun! Make everyone cry!
Instead, it isn't really. One, it wasn't shot very well. There was not enough slo-mo and strings. (It sounds like I'm being sarcastic but I'm not. The tone felt off). Their coming together felt rushed. The cuts to everyone else's smiling faces were cheesy, Lapidus's "Looks like she found her voice again," was super cheesy. And they were speaking in English to each other, which was weird and really took you out of the story.
And two, the way the reunion was framed. Sun and Jin were on opposite sides of the sonic fence and, for about two seconds, I thought that the fence was on and that either Jin or Sun was going to get their brain fried. So instead of thinking, "Yay! They're back together!" I was thinking, "The writers can't possibly be THAT cruel." And if the director intended to do that, it ruined the moment intentionally, and if he didn't it ruined the moment accidentally. But whatever the intention was, YOU RUINED THE MOMENT, DIRECTOR. Shame.
Looking back over this recap, there's a lot of snark and sarcasm and I feel like I am being more of a jackass than I usually am. But I guess that just means the episode just didn't do it for me. I know that the writers need to get everyone in position for the looming finale, but everything about this episode felt scatter-shot and sloppy. And even scenes that should have killed -- the Sun and Jin reunion -- kind of fizzed out. And the awful scenes -- every scene between Jack and his son on Sideways world felt like an early 90s PSA -- were really awful.
I believe that this is a one time thing and a natural result of having to set up the final confrontation that will play out over the last couple of episodes. And scenes like the Desmond-Sayid conversation prove that this show still has it. They just have to focus and harness it.
There is no Lost next week (I know!), so God knows what I'll be doing with myself next Tuesday. Probably weep.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Random Video of the Day LXXVI
Have you ever wanted to see Conan O'Brien cover Radiohead's "Creep"? Sure you have!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Ask Him What the Island Is
Awesome episode. This episode did a great job balancing the vaguely farcical Hurley flashbacks that we are used to (remember when Tricia Tanaka got hit by a meteor?) with so much random stuff blowing up on the Island. It was kind of jarring, actually. On the one hand we have Hurley building a Cluck's next to the pyramids at Giza and on the other we have Ilana falling down and going boom. It all worked as a great set-up episode, though. Things are really starting to pick up and move.
I've always enjoyed Hurley episodes, not so much for what happens in them but more for what kind of character Hurley is. It's not only that Hurley is the most grounded character who serves as a surrogate for the audience. That's part of it but not all of it.
No, the reason is that Hurley is such a terrific guy. He's probably the most decent character on the show. That is, he's the only one who never seems to have an ulterior motive. If he ever lies or conceals something, it's always for the purpose of helping out his friends. In fact, that seems to be Hurley's main -- and perhaps only -- motivation. To look out for his friends. How can you not like a guy like that? Guy's a mensch.
Hurley. We begin with Dr. Pierre Chang narrating over a power-point presentation of billionaire philanthropistBill Gates Hugo Reyes, who has apparently endowed Jurassic Park.
In the sideways world, Hurley has everything -- a fast-food empire, a fortune, the love and respect of millions. He has everything except a woman. Cue the Mexican mother who demands that her son find a nice girl and settle down already.
(Hi, Mom!)
It seems incredibly odd to me that anyone would decide to stand up a millionaire. That said, it also astounds me that Hurley's great idea for a first date is a Mexican restaurant. Dude, I love Mexican food as much as the next guy, but that ain't a good venue for a first date. Maybe a fifteenth date, when you feel comfortable eating with your hands and farting in front of her, but not before.
All is not lost, however. In comes Libby, and she comes on strong. Hurley, understandably stunned (For some reason that I can't pinpoint I think that Libby must be an absolute demon
in the sack) seems to recognize her. She certainly recognizes him and then starts talking about soulmates.
Cut to the men in the white coats taking her to an insane asylum.
...
What?
...
She was there before she started talking to a guy she just met about being soulmates?
....
So she didn't get put in the loony bin because of the soulmates-within-five-minutes bombshell?
...
I guess that would make too much sense.
A freaked out Hurley is eating because he is unhappy and is unhappy because he eats. So he noshes on a family sized bucket of fried chicken, but no soda, because that would be too much. He is also unhappy because Libby shook him to the core.
Enter Desmond the subtle manipulator, who all but gives him the name of the sanitarium where Libby is being held.
So Hurley bribes a doctor -- hope you have malpractice insurance, doc. I always said this show was missing a lawyer -- and gets to speak to Libby. And crazy Libby, shut up inside an insane asylum, is the only one who knows the truth. She knows there was a plane crash. She knows there was an Island. The crazy person is the only sane person in this world!
But Hurley has some game, andMr. Eko throws a water fountain through the window and she escapes Libby terminates her voluntary commitment to go on a date with him.
And then, finally, Hurley and Libby get their first date! And it's on a beach like they always wanted! I am contractually obligated to disclose that the sap in me really liked this moment. As Hurley said, "Because everybody likes cheese."
Libby and Hurley always seemed great together and you have to root for a guy like Hurley to get the hot blond chick. And when she kisses him, we get the flashback of the Sideways character realizing that there is another world out there.
And there's Desmond, who would later go on to sit in a parked car outside a school, sketchily watching Hurley and Libby make out. He then leaves. I find it interesting that Desmond leaves at that point, right after the flash. Is it the case that all he has to do is push people towards that flash and when they all have that flash, something will happen? Are these the violations that Eloise was angry about? The fact that Desmond seemed to leave it at that would indicate so.
Meanwhile, on the Island, Hurley breaks everyone's heart by asking Libby why she is the only dead person in the world who doesn't come back and yell at him.
Instead, he gets Michael "WAAAAAAALT!" Dawson, who tells him that if they blow up the plane, everyone will die, so don't.
Michael has become a part of the whispers on the Island, which seems to be a sort of purgatory for the characters who died there. They can't leave even if they want to. This is great news because, unless you believe that there are two purgatories (and that would just be inefficient), this means that the actual Island is not purgatory. Maybe those people who didn't believe the writers who said years ago that the Island was not purgatory can finally stop whining now.
After Ilana pulls an Arzt (more on this later), Hurley leads everyone to the Black Rock. And he must have been hoofing it, because he got there, set up enough explosives to blow up the entire ship, and was able to make his 300+ pounds run away before the explosion consumed him. Kudos to Hurley for keeping the trope of "cool guys don't look at explosions" alive, although he gets docked points for running.
So now that the Black Rock is no more, Alpert enlists Ben to go look for other devices that can blow up a plane. And this is where our merry band, Team Jacob, ceases to be. Unconvincingly lying that Jacob told them to go talk to Smocke, Hurley gets a handful of people to go with him to confront the Locke-ness Monster.
I found it interesting that Linus, Alpert, and Miles are on Team Explosion while Jack, Hurley, Lapidus, and Sun are on Team Let's Talk About our Feelings. (I was going to name the first team, Team Let's Blow Up the Plane, but, you know, the Polish President and whatnot). One team features the two characters who have been on the Island the longest. Hurley, I love you, dude, but Michael ain't exactly the most trustworthy guy out there. Just ask Libby.
So off they set, and anyone who was hoping for a Libby reunion is disappointed when, once again, we get Michael. Michael helpfully points out the very obvious Smocke compound and tells Hurley to tell Libby that he is sorry.
Two things. One, didn't Libby die on the Island? Wouldn't she be a part of the whispers in purgatory? If so, then why wouldn't Michael directly whisper, "I'm sorry" to Libby?
And two, the comment "If you see Libby again" seemed kind of loaded to me. Like Michael knew that there is a Sideways world and that there is a chance that Hurley will travel to it and see Libby again. So why is Michael pushing Hurley to what we have been led to believe is the wrong world that should not exist?
And so we come to the end, which is a great setup. Hurley marches everyone right into the thick of Smocke's compound and confronts him. Everyone smiles at each other, even though every remaining Another has their guns trained on the castaways. And the Smocke calls out, "Hello, Jack."
And I, for one, can't wait to see Tom and Jerry go at it again.
Alpert. Remember when Richard Alpert was the unflappable Richard Alpert? Well, he done got flapped. Again. He rants and raves more than Jack, which is saying a lot. He's convinced that blowing up the plane is the way to go. Wait 'til he finds out there is a sub out there. He's going to be drilling holes in that thing for eternity.
Ilana. Just as I finished writing down in my notes, "Chucking water bottles inside the dynamite backpack. Arzt is rolling in his grave" BOOM. Oh shit! ILANA EXPLODED!
I have to confess that I laughed for a good three minutes following the explosion. Ilana was kind of the most useless character the show has ever introduced (Nikki and Paulo weren't, because they served the purpose of shutting up all those fans who were all huffy demanding to know what the deal was with the other people on the plane. Nikki and Paulo were the writers saying, "Who cares? They suck and don't matter. Shut up." Plus, Nikki was hot and that ending was pretty cool). Anyway, Ilana just gobbled up screen time and never really got anything going. She's like that person who came in really late to the party and everyone is drunk and she is miserable because she isn't. And, of course, tomorrow no one will remember that she was even there.
On the other hand, watching her explode was awesome. And boom goes the dynamite.
Desmond. Island Desmond has turned a little creepy, hasn't he? All calm and stoic and sure of himself. His face when he was tied to the tree, just kind of peaceful and pensive like he wasn't tied to a freaking tree was great. But even better? The bald-faced lie that was the "You're John Locke" identification in Smocke's face. Locke knew Desmond was lying. Desmond knew that Locke knew that Desmond was lying. But Locke knew that Desmond knew that Locke knew Desmond was lying. And that's what made the scene awesome. Those are some brass balls on Desmond.
Of course, those brass balls earn him a walk in the jungle. And then Des goes and gets himself thrown in a well.
Sting and citizens of Springfield, take it away:
Than you, guys. We're sending our love down that well indeed.
But Sideways Desmond? Running over a paraplegic? Damnnnn. It ain't Keamy shooting Alex, but Desmond annihilating the wheelchair-bound and soon-to-be-wed Locke with his car is up there in brutal Lost moments. I know Desmond is trying to show the Oceanics that their life is an illusion, and he has to somehow impact them in some way, but do we have to take that literally? Couldn't he have shown Locke a hatch door or something? Jesus.
Locke. Smocke gets the surprise of his life when Sayid (who is overplaying the I'm-dead-inside role, if such a thing is possible) delivers him a Desmond, all wrapped up in a tree. Did anyone catch the body language? Smocke tilting his head quizzically, like a dog who just saw a new dog walk into his yard? There is so much he does not understand.
So they take a walk. But, folks, if you learned nothing else from The Sopranos, take away this: you never respond to invitations to go take a walk in the woods. Ever. Or this happens.
So Smocke takes Desmond out to get whacked and is again unnerved. Not only does Peter Pan show up again with a mocking smile, but Smocke also plays American Psycho and casts Desmond in the role of a drifter -- alone in the woods and nobody, nobody, knows you're here. And yet you're not scared? Why? I don't understand.
It doesn't matter. Des gets chucked in the well and is obviously not dead. Even before we watched the previews we all knew he was not dead. Smocke must know that, right? He cannot possibly be so obtuse as to not know that. So why did Smocke just kind of leave him there? Does he need Desmond alive but trapped? Is the electromagnetism supposed to slowly kill Desmond?
Sawyer. For the past few episodes, all Sawyer has done is wait for Smocke to come back, ask him "Where have you been?" and make a sarcastic comment. I hereby petition the writers to treat his character properly and drop this "unhappy housewife" shtick. I mean, what is he? Sun?
Also, we got one "sonofabitch," so that's one drink.
Jack. It's mind-blowing that, in a Hurley episode, Jack got the best line. "Maybe she died to show us to stay the hell away from dynamite." Dude! We haven't seen you since Season 1! Welcome back!
And Jack's hot streak continues when he has that heart-to-heart with Hurley about how he got Juliet killed (boooo) and it bummed him out and he wants to fix it and he knows he can't but it kills him to sit back and do nothing but that is what he must do.
Jack Shephard has seen the light! Can we say hallelujah?
My bet is it won't last and Jack will do something reckless like throw Jacob's Magical Ashes into the ocean. But -- for once -- Jack didn't do something stupid in one episode. Amazing. Perhaps the biggest shocker of the episode.
Sun. You know how, with the exception of her centric episode, the writers have clearly ignored the hell out of Sun (just like pre-crash Jin!) and been loathe to give her even one line of dialogue? I'm starting to think the aphasia storyline is a real handy plot device.
Actress: Yo, could I get some more lines?
Writer: Actually, no. Your character forgets how to speak. So all you get to do is write things on a pad. It's a HUGELY important plot device
Actress: Is it really important?
Writer: Yeah, sure.
Actress: Do I get to write more than one line per episode?
Writer: Well...
Actress: I quit.
Linus. "The Island was done with her ... what's going to happen when the Island is done with us?" Mr. Chuckles, everybody!
To recap. Ilana? Exploded. The Black Rock? Exploded. Sideways (real?) Locke? Run over and kind of exploded too. Desmond? Stuck in a well. Pretty much every major character? In a Mexican stand-off.
And take it from me. Only good can come out of a Mexican stand-off. Trust me. I know.
I've always enjoyed Hurley episodes, not so much for what happens in them but more for what kind of character Hurley is. It's not only that Hurley is the most grounded character who serves as a surrogate for the audience. That's part of it but not all of it.
No, the reason is that Hurley is such a terrific guy. He's probably the most decent character on the show. That is, he's the only one who never seems to have an ulterior motive. If he ever lies or conceals something, it's always for the purpose of helping out his friends. In fact, that seems to be Hurley's main -- and perhaps only -- motivation. To look out for his friends. How can you not like a guy like that? Guy's a mensch.
Hurley. We begin with Dr. Pierre Chang narrating over a power-point presentation of billionaire philanthropist
In the sideways world, Hurley has everything -- a fast-food empire, a fortune, the love and respect of millions. He has everything except a woman. Cue the Mexican mother who demands that her son find a nice girl and settle down already.
(Hi, Mom!)
It seems incredibly odd to me that anyone would decide to stand up a millionaire. That said, it also astounds me that Hurley's great idea for a first date is a Mexican restaurant. Dude, I love Mexican food as much as the next guy, but that ain't a good venue for a first date. Maybe a fifteenth date, when you feel comfortable eating with your hands and farting in front of her, but not before.
All is not lost, however. In comes Libby, and she comes on strong. Hurley, understandably stunned (For some reason that I can't pinpoint I think that Libby must be an absolute demon
in the sack) seems to recognize her. She certainly recognizes him and then starts talking about soulmates.
Cut to the men in the white coats taking her to an insane asylum.
...
What?
...
She was there before she started talking to a guy she just met about being soulmates?
....
So she didn't get put in the loony bin because of the soulmates-within-five-minutes bombshell?
...
I guess that would make too much sense.
A freaked out Hurley is eating because he is unhappy and is unhappy because he eats. So he noshes on a family sized bucket of fried chicken, but no soda, because that would be too much. He is also unhappy because Libby shook him to the core.
Enter Desmond the subtle manipulator, who all but gives him the name of the sanitarium where Libby is being held.
So Hurley bribes a doctor -- hope you have malpractice insurance, doc. I always said this show was missing a lawyer -- and gets to speak to Libby. And crazy Libby, shut up inside an insane asylum, is the only one who knows the truth. She knows there was a plane crash. She knows there was an Island. The crazy person is the only sane person in this world!
But Hurley has some game, and
And then, finally, Hurley and Libby get their first date! And it's on a beach like they always wanted! I am contractually obligated to disclose that the sap in me really liked this moment. As Hurley said, "Because everybody likes cheese."
Libby and Hurley always seemed great together and you have to root for a guy like Hurley to get the hot blond chick. And when she kisses him, we get the flashback of the Sideways character realizing that there is another world out there.
And there's Desmond, who would later go on to sit in a parked car outside a school, sketchily watching Hurley and Libby make out. He then leaves. I find it interesting that Desmond leaves at that point, right after the flash. Is it the case that all he has to do is push people towards that flash and when they all have that flash, something will happen? Are these the violations that Eloise was angry about? The fact that Desmond seemed to leave it at that would indicate so.
Meanwhile, on the Island, Hurley breaks everyone's heart by asking Libby why she is the only dead person in the world who doesn't come back and yell at him.
Instead, he gets Michael "WAAAAAAALT!" Dawson, who tells him that if they blow up the plane, everyone will die, so don't.
Michael has become a part of the whispers on the Island, which seems to be a sort of purgatory for the characters who died there. They can't leave even if they want to. This is great news because, unless you believe that there are two purgatories (and that would just be inefficient), this means that the actual Island is not purgatory. Maybe those people who didn't believe the writers who said years ago that the Island was not purgatory can finally stop whining now.
After Ilana pulls an Arzt (more on this later), Hurley leads everyone to the Black Rock. And he must have been hoofing it, because he got there, set up enough explosives to blow up the entire ship, and was able to make his 300+ pounds run away before the explosion consumed him. Kudos to Hurley for keeping the trope of "cool guys don't look at explosions" alive, although he gets docked points for running.
So now that the Black Rock is no more, Alpert enlists Ben to go look for other devices that can blow up a plane. And this is where our merry band, Team Jacob, ceases to be. Unconvincingly lying that Jacob told them to go talk to Smocke, Hurley gets a handful of people to go with him to confront the Locke-ness Monster.
I found it interesting that Linus, Alpert, and Miles are on Team Explosion while Jack, Hurley, Lapidus, and Sun are on Team Let's Talk About our Feelings. (I was going to name the first team, Team Let's Blow Up the Plane, but, you know, the Polish President and whatnot). One team features the two characters who have been on the Island the longest. Hurley, I love you, dude, but Michael ain't exactly the most trustworthy guy out there. Just ask Libby.
So off they set, and anyone who was hoping for a Libby reunion is disappointed when, once again, we get Michael. Michael helpfully points out the very obvious Smocke compound and tells Hurley to tell Libby that he is sorry.
Two things. One, didn't Libby die on the Island? Wouldn't she be a part of the whispers in purgatory? If so, then why wouldn't Michael directly whisper, "I'm sorry" to Libby?
And two, the comment "If you see Libby again" seemed kind of loaded to me. Like Michael knew that there is a Sideways world and that there is a chance that Hurley will travel to it and see Libby again. So why is Michael pushing Hurley to what we have been led to believe is the wrong world that should not exist?
And so we come to the end, which is a great setup. Hurley marches everyone right into the thick of Smocke's compound and confronts him. Everyone smiles at each other, even though every remaining Another has their guns trained on the castaways. And the Smocke calls out, "Hello, Jack."
And I, for one, can't wait to see Tom and Jerry go at it again.
Alpert. Remember when Richard Alpert was the unflappable Richard Alpert? Well, he done got flapped. Again. He rants and raves more than Jack, which is saying a lot. He's convinced that blowing up the plane is the way to go. Wait 'til he finds out there is a sub out there. He's going to be drilling holes in that thing for eternity.
Ilana. Just as I finished writing down in my notes, "Chucking water bottles inside the dynamite backpack. Arzt is rolling in his grave" BOOM. Oh shit! ILANA EXPLODED!
I have to confess that I laughed for a good three minutes following the explosion. Ilana was kind of the most useless character the show has ever introduced (Nikki and Paulo weren't, because they served the purpose of shutting up all those fans who were all huffy demanding to know what the deal was with the other people on the plane. Nikki and Paulo were the writers saying, "Who cares? They suck and don't matter. Shut up." Plus, Nikki was hot and that ending was pretty cool). Anyway, Ilana just gobbled up screen time and never really got anything going. She's like that person who came in really late to the party and everyone is drunk and she is miserable because she isn't. And, of course, tomorrow no one will remember that she was even there.
On the other hand, watching her explode was awesome. And boom goes the dynamite.
Desmond. Island Desmond has turned a little creepy, hasn't he? All calm and stoic and sure of himself. His face when he was tied to the tree, just kind of peaceful and pensive like he wasn't tied to a freaking tree was great. But even better? The bald-faced lie that was the "You're John Locke" identification in Smocke's face. Locke knew Desmond was lying. Desmond knew that Locke knew that Desmond was lying. But Locke knew that Desmond knew that Locke knew Desmond was lying. And that's what made the scene awesome. Those are some brass balls on Desmond.
Of course, those brass balls earn him a walk in the jungle. And then Des goes and gets himself thrown in a well.
Sting and citizens of Springfield, take it away:
Than you, guys. We're sending our love down that well indeed.
But Sideways Desmond? Running over a paraplegic? Damnnnn. It ain't Keamy shooting Alex, but Desmond annihilating the wheelchair-bound and soon-to-be-wed Locke with his car is up there in brutal Lost moments. I know Desmond is trying to show the Oceanics that their life is an illusion, and he has to somehow impact them in some way, but do we have to take that literally? Couldn't he have shown Locke a hatch door or something? Jesus.
Locke. Smocke gets the surprise of his life when Sayid (who is overplaying the I'm-dead-inside role, if such a thing is possible) delivers him a Desmond, all wrapped up in a tree. Did anyone catch the body language? Smocke tilting his head quizzically, like a dog who just saw a new dog walk into his yard? There is so much he does not understand.
So they take a walk. But, folks, if you learned nothing else from The Sopranos, take away this: you never respond to invitations to go take a walk in the woods. Ever. Or this happens.
So Smocke takes Desmond out to get whacked and is again unnerved. Not only does Peter Pan show up again with a mocking smile, but Smocke also plays American Psycho and casts Desmond in the role of a drifter -- alone in the woods and nobody, nobody, knows you're here. And yet you're not scared? Why? I don't understand.
It doesn't matter. Des gets chucked in the well and is obviously not dead. Even before we watched the previews we all knew he was not dead. Smocke must know that, right? He cannot possibly be so obtuse as to not know that. So why did Smocke just kind of leave him there? Does he need Desmond alive but trapped? Is the electromagnetism supposed to slowly kill Desmond?
Sawyer. For the past few episodes, all Sawyer has done is wait for Smocke to come back, ask him "Where have you been?" and make a sarcastic comment. I hereby petition the writers to treat his character properly and drop this "unhappy housewife" shtick. I mean, what is he? Sun?
Also, we got one "sonofabitch," so that's one drink.
Jack. It's mind-blowing that, in a Hurley episode, Jack got the best line. "Maybe she died to show us to stay the hell away from dynamite." Dude! We haven't seen you since Season 1! Welcome back!
And Jack's hot streak continues when he has that heart-to-heart with Hurley about how he got Juliet killed (boooo) and it bummed him out and he wants to fix it and he knows he can't but it kills him to sit back and do nothing but that is what he must do.
Jack Shephard has seen the light! Can we say hallelujah?
My bet is it won't last and Jack will do something reckless like throw Jacob's Magical Ashes into the ocean. But -- for once -- Jack didn't do something stupid in one episode. Amazing. Perhaps the biggest shocker of the episode.
Sun. You know how, with the exception of her centric episode, the writers have clearly ignored the hell out of Sun (just like pre-crash Jin!) and been loathe to give her even one line of dialogue? I'm starting to think the aphasia storyline is a real handy plot device.
Actress: Yo, could I get some more lines?
Writer: Actually, no. Your character forgets how to speak. So all you get to do is write things on a pad. It's a HUGELY important plot device
Actress: Is it really important?
Writer: Yeah, sure.
Actress: Do I get to write more than one line per episode?
Writer: Well...
Actress: I quit.
Linus. "The Island was done with her ... what's going to happen when the Island is done with us?" Mr. Chuckles, everybody!
To recap. Ilana? Exploded. The Black Rock? Exploded. Sideways (real?) Locke? Run over and kind of exploded too. Desmond? Stuck in a well. Pretty much every major character? In a Mexican stand-off.
And take it from me. Only good can come out of a Mexican stand-off. Trust me. I know.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
That's What She Said! XIII
(Talking about the first time she might have used a bong)
Anonymous: I didn't know what to do! There was one guy next to me, and then another guy on the other side plugging the hole.
Anonymous: I didn't know what to do! There was one guy next to me, and then another guy on the other side plugging the hole.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Old Man and the Court
To great fanfare this week, Justice John Paul Stevens finally achieved the American Dream that eludes so many, as he managed to retire from his job before he turned 90.
Before Stevens essentially conceded that this term would be his last by failing to hire more than one clerk for the upcoming term, many analysts seemed to like the idea that Stevens would hang on for two more years so that they could preface their analyses of his work by heralding him as both the oldest and the longest-serving justice ever. Presumably, these are the same people who enjoyed John Franco's 20-year-long twilight of his career.
I am not saying that Justice Stevens was too old to do his job, although he actually remembers the Prohibition era. Heck, despite the fact that he is almost four times my age, he certainly seems much more lucid than me.
That said, it should be worth noting that Stevens replaced William O. Douglas, who will now remain the longest serving justice for ten more years (or longer, if Scalia is kidnapped by Eskimos who finally tire of being the reductio ad absurdum in his opinions). Douglas, having suffered a stroke, was thoroughly incapable of performing his judicial duties, to the point where he was forced out, at least officially. Periodically, the justices would return from conference to find Douglas in his office, working on imaginary cases. It was sad.
That is not to say that Stevens will be off deciding the merits of the mythical Ninjas v. Zombies any time soon. To the contrary. The fact that the most senior justice is retiring has a huge impact on the court, far beyond the simplistic dichotomy of left v. right.
There's two ways this can go. Stevens's retirement means that Scalia is the new senior justice, with Kennedy trailing in second. Unless the chief justice is in the majority, the senior justice gets to assign the opinion to any of the justices, including himself.
Now, since Scalia and Chief Justice Roberts tend to agree a lot of the time, this presumably leaves Kennedy in the driver's seat. We all know Kennedy loves the limelight. If any Court has a diva, he is it, relishing his place in the middle and the power that it gives him. Witness the number of key opinions he has authored in the last few years -- he often is granted authorship as a way of securing his vote. Should Kennedy elect to break from Scalia and Roberts, this leaves him in the position of power with the Court's liberal wing, and would grant him the power to delegate the most important opinions (almost all of which have come to a 5-4 vote since Roberts was tapped) to himself.
If you believe that all cases are decided solely on their merits and the law, my argument probably makes no sense to you. If you, however, live in the real world, then it might be worth watching.
On the other hand, the loss of Stevens leaves the court without the most influential liberal voice on the bench. By all accounts, Stevens was an excellent negotiator and mediator, and would help bridge gaps in the tradition of Chief Justice Warren. With his absence, the liberal wing of the Court will lack a clear leader. Sotomayor (as well as the newcomer) are presumably too green to take on this role, and Ginsburg too reticent. Breyer -- who loves to talk -- now finds himself as the de facto leader of the liberals. Whether he can court Kennedy, however, will be the key.
Like I said, the loss of Stevens leaves a huge void. Although he was appointed by Ford, Stevens quickly established himself as a strong liberal voice. Despite ably filling the role of the kindly old man of the Court, Stevens could be as cranky and cutting as Scalia. Witness, for example, his dissent in the Citizens United case, where he wrote that "Essentially, five Justices were unhappy with the . . . case before us, so they changed the case to give themselves an opportunity to change the law."
We are going to miss the bowtie and the "dude is old" remarks. Mostly, however, we are going to miss a strong and eloquent voice on the liberal side who helped shape the court for over a third of a century. With a legacy like that, maybe we can finally let a 90-year old enjoy what will hopefully be a long retirement.
Before Stevens essentially conceded that this term would be his last by failing to hire more than one clerk for the upcoming term, many analysts seemed to like the idea that Stevens would hang on for two more years so that they could preface their analyses of his work by heralding him as both the oldest and the longest-serving justice ever. Presumably, these are the same people who enjoyed John Franco's 20-year-long twilight of his career.
I am not saying that Justice Stevens was too old to do his job, although he actually remembers the Prohibition era. Heck, despite the fact that he is almost four times my age, he certainly seems much more lucid than me.
That said, it should be worth noting that Stevens replaced William O. Douglas, who will now remain the longest serving justice for ten more years (or longer, if Scalia is kidnapped by Eskimos who finally tire of being the reductio ad absurdum in his opinions). Douglas, having suffered a stroke, was thoroughly incapable of performing his judicial duties, to the point where he was forced out, at least officially. Periodically, the justices would return from conference to find Douglas in his office, working on imaginary cases. It was sad.
That is not to say that Stevens will be off deciding the merits of the mythical Ninjas v. Zombies any time soon. To the contrary. The fact that the most senior justice is retiring has a huge impact on the court, far beyond the simplistic dichotomy of left v. right.
There's two ways this can go. Stevens's retirement means that Scalia is the new senior justice, with Kennedy trailing in second. Unless the chief justice is in the majority, the senior justice gets to assign the opinion to any of the justices, including himself.
Now, since Scalia and Chief Justice Roberts tend to agree a lot of the time, this presumably leaves Kennedy in the driver's seat. We all know Kennedy loves the limelight. If any Court has a diva, he is it, relishing his place in the middle and the power that it gives him. Witness the number of key opinions he has authored in the last few years -- he often is granted authorship as a way of securing his vote. Should Kennedy elect to break from Scalia and Roberts, this leaves him in the position of power with the Court's liberal wing, and would grant him the power to delegate the most important opinions (almost all of which have come to a 5-4 vote since Roberts was tapped) to himself.
If you believe that all cases are decided solely on their merits and the law, my argument probably makes no sense to you. If you, however, live in the real world, then it might be worth watching.
On the other hand, the loss of Stevens leaves the court without the most influential liberal voice on the bench. By all accounts, Stevens was an excellent negotiator and mediator, and would help bridge gaps in the tradition of Chief Justice Warren. With his absence, the liberal wing of the Court will lack a clear leader. Sotomayor (as well as the newcomer) are presumably too green to take on this role, and Ginsburg too reticent. Breyer -- who loves to talk -- now finds himself as the de facto leader of the liberals. Whether he can court Kennedy, however, will be the key.
Like I said, the loss of Stevens leaves a huge void. Although he was appointed by Ford, Stevens quickly established himself as a strong liberal voice. Despite ably filling the role of the kindly old man of the Court, Stevens could be as cranky and cutting as Scalia. Witness, for example, his dissent in the Citizens United case, where he wrote that "Essentially, five Justices were unhappy with the . . . case before us, so they changed the case to give themselves an opportunity to change the law."
We are going to miss the bowtie and the "dude is old" remarks. Mostly, however, we are going to miss a strong and eloquent voice on the liberal side who helped shape the court for over a third of a century. With a legacy like that, maybe we can finally let a 90-year old enjoy what will hopefully be a long retirement.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Random Video of the Day LXXV
Even though they missed an opportunity to have millipede tear through hipsters in Soho, this is pretty cool.
Friday, April 9, 2010
That's What She Said! XII
(On practicing for the Masters all week)
Tiger: I rode it really hard for the past few weeks.
Tiger: I rode it really hard for the past few weeks.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Getting to the Bottom of This
This is a true story.
In my IP class we were talking about the practice of awarding trademark status to items based on their design. i.e. the little crocodile on Lacoste shirts.
So the professor asks me about Levi’s jeans, and what is it about their design that could be awarded a trademark.
Now, I may pay attention to clothes, but not enough to know what design characteristics differentiate Levi’s from most other classic jeans.
So I looked confused.
Upon seeing my confusion, the girl sitting next to me, who I have never met in my life, immediately leaps (yes, leaps) out of her chair and sticks her butt about six inches away from my face.
I have rarely been rendered so speechless in my entire life.
So I’m kind of staring at this girl’s ass, and the whole class is staring at me, and the professor is waiting for an answer, and my face is probably the color of an over-ripe tomato.
Finally she sits down and I can kind of speak again, so I stutter something about the stitching on the pockets.
“Anything else?” the professor asks.
“Um... uh,” I say, noticing that the girl is just about ready to jump up again. “Not that I noticed.”
“You didn’t get a good enough look?” the professor asks.
Only in law school. Two more weeks.
In my IP class we were talking about the practice of awarding trademark status to items based on their design. i.e. the little crocodile on Lacoste shirts.
So the professor asks me about Levi’s jeans, and what is it about their design that could be awarded a trademark.
Now, I may pay attention to clothes, but not enough to know what design characteristics differentiate Levi’s from most other classic jeans.
So I looked confused.
Upon seeing my confusion, the girl sitting next to me, who I have never met in my life, immediately leaps (yes, leaps) out of her chair and sticks her butt about six inches away from my face.
I have rarely been rendered so speechless in my entire life.
So I’m kind of staring at this girl’s ass, and the whole class is staring at me, and the professor is waiting for an answer, and my face is probably the color of an over-ripe tomato.
Finally she sits down and I can kind of speak again, so I stutter something about the stitching on the pockets.
“Anything else?” the professor asks.
“Um... uh,” I say, noticing that the girl is just about ready to jump up again. “Not that I noticed.”
“You didn’t get a good enough look?” the professor asks.
Only in law school. Two more weeks.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
See You in Another Life, Brother
How good was Lost last night? Immediately following the conclusion of the show, "Desmond" became a trending topic on Twitter. Not "Lost," but "Desmond."
That's because the one constant about Lost is Desmond. Other characters also have consistently awesome episodes, but Desmond's are by far the most mind-blowing ones. Just to name one, "The Constant" might be the single greatest hour of television this show has ever produced.
What the writers actually accomplish with Desmond episodes is staggering. On the one hand, these are the episodes that are the most out there in terms of WTF-ness. In between the time-traveling, and the EMPs, and the fact that the rules of quantum mechanics don't apply to Desmond except to make his clothes disappear, the writers really let their nerd flags fly here.
But on the other hand, these are among the most emotionally heart-wrenching episodes the show has. Go watch the ending of "The Constant." Hell, the ending of this one. Despite all the sci-fi flying around the room, the writers created a character in Desmond who people can identify with, and then they gave him an epic backstory to defy all the other backstories on the show. All Desmond wants to do is get back to Penny, and everything in the universe -- the Dharma Initiative, the Others, Jack Shephard, John Locke, Widmore, and even time and space itself -- conspire against that purpose.
And that's why the viewers root for him, this poor guy, who asked his father-in-law for his daughter's hand and was told he deserved nothing, who was trapped on an Island for three years with no-one for company but the meanest screw to ever walk a turn at Shawshank, who had to press a button every 108 minutes for three years, who was flung across space and time and the laws of physics themselves, and all he wants to do is return to his one true love.
That's why the writers hang the sci-fi stuff on him. Because he might be the only character who makes it work. And he not only makes it work, he knocks it out of the park. His episodes are tremendous, and tonight's was no exception.
So here's to Henry Ian Cusick and here's to the constant excellence that comes from the character of Desmond.
Onward.
Desmond. He gets the rarity that is an "exclusive" episode. So forgive me if this is a little more recap-py than previous analyses. Unlike Desmond, I see no other way to review tonight's episode than by following a linear path.
We open up to every man's worst nightmare: waking up to find your father-in-law standing in front of you. I cannot conceive of a single scenario where this would be a good thing.
And then it got worse for Desmond. Not only was he kidnapped, beaten, and drugged and then dragged in front of his father-in-law, but then he gets told he has been brought back to the Island where he was trapped for three years. I'm surprised it only took two men to restrain his rage blackout.
Then we got a glimpse of what I first thought to be the velociraptor paddock from Jurassic Park. It actually turned out to be a huge kind of electromagnetic generator that could electormagnetize the living crap out of Rabbit Angstrom (Shout-out to John Updike!).
Of course, because there is administrative regulatory organism on the Island, they're not really big on fail-safes and safety bars when dealing with catastrophic pockets of energy. After he "fixed it," Safety Inspector Homer Simpson just decided to turn on the machine, because there's no way Lenny or Carl will be in there working on it, right?
Wrong. Now we have a Kentucky Fried Nerd. What bothered me more is that, after they removed extra crispy from the scene of the accident, they threw in Desmond without a further test! WHAT THE HELL. Why else do you idiots think you have the rabbit? They must have gotten their operation manual from the now out-of-print "The Scientific Method for Dummies," by Dr. Jack Shephard.
And so Desmond got Dr. Manhattaned and became unstuck in time.
Cut back to Sideways world, where it seems Desmond is a combination of both Ryan Bingham from Up in the Air and another George Clooney character, the eponymous fixer Michael Clayton. As a jet-setter who is also a fixer, Sideways Desmond enjoys a great relationship with Charles Widmore, presumably because he hasn't tried to sleep with his daughter yet.
And his task? Babysit Charlie the Junkie! Have you ever had to take care of a drunk? (Stop looking at me like that). Multiply that by a hundred and you'll know what it's like to take care of a junkie.
Not only did Desmond have to endure a trite speech by Charlie about true love (look, Charlie, I get that Claire is your true love, but people who use the phrase "step into the void" need to be hit with a shovel. Also, have you talked to Claire lately? You dodged a bullet there, champ. Trust me), but he also got driven into a river because the drug addict he was babysitting was making a point.
To be fair to Charlie, it was a rather important point. It seems that at moments of great stress, the barrier between the two worlds dissolves. Charlie clearly felt it when he almost died of asphyxiation by means of heroin. Some of you will think that he saw Claire sitting there, frumpy and preggo, when he was talking about his true love's beauty. And that's nice. But I think he was looking at Season 4 Claire, who was beyond hot.
In fact, the stress releases moments of what is now looking more and more like the real world, the actual reality, the one that has to exist at the expense of the Sideways Universe. Desmond gets a glimpse of the Charlie drowning scene, in an excellent use of deja vu. That was just a terrific scene. Later, in the MRI room of the only hospital in Los Angeles, Desmond gets more flashes of Penny and his actual life.
Understandably spooked out, Desmond goes to Eloise Widmore to tell her that the bass player (sort of really important in a rock band) is kind of missing. She's actually cool about it and gives us yet another callback quote: "What happened, happened." But then Desmond has to go and overhear who's on the guest list.
It's Penny, of course. And Mrs. Widmore is none too pleased about this. She tells him to relax, take a chill pill, and stop looking for answers. Clearly she knows something is wrong. She's always been a mysterious lady but I can't recall her being quite this cold-hearted. Except for the whole raising her son to be a physics genius so he could travel back in time and be shot and killed by her younger self. I guess that was kind of mean.
Understandably flummoxed, Desmond starts to walk away. But it's Twitchy to the rescue! Instead of rocking the skinny geek tie, he rocks the skinny hispter tie (The difference? The hat). He's not a scientist in Sideways World, but a classical musician. However, he still, somewhere in his head, knows quantum mechanics. And somewhere in his other head, he still has the hots for Charlotte, who, as we all know, is single and ready to mingle.
And this is where it gets weird. I ain't going to pretend I understood anything of what Faraday said. It was weird and convoluted and distractingly specific for someone who doesn't know what's going on.
My best guess is that Faraday was explaining that this world, the Sideways World, is fake. It isn't real and it should not be. Something happened in the actual world (this would be Juliet detonating Jughead) that created this other world they are living in. But this world is wrong somehow. Even though everyone is getting a bastardized version of their fondest wish, this world is fake. It is not meant to be. And it has to be destroyed so that things can go back to the way they used to be, so that everyone can see the truth.
I think.
...
Remember when this used to be a show about people trying to find food on a deserted island?
The next scene is even more unbelievable: Faraday sets up his sister with a Scotsman. What the hell are you doing, dude? If I was your dad, I would beat the crap out of you for this one.
And it turns out that the time and place to meet is the stadium where Actual Desmond used to jog. And look! There's Penny, jogging too! But wait. What is Desmond doing? Is he going to go hit on her now? While she is working out? Because this is the one woman in the world who doesn't mind being approached by a guy when she is sweaty and out of breath and in her workout clothes?
She is! With any other couple, hitting on a girl while she is working out would never work. But because this is Desmond and Penny, the truest love this show has seen, they connect. There's something there. He knows it. She knows it. She especially knows it when she shakes his hand and he frickin' faints. And these crazy kids must be meant to be together because any other woman would have been freaked the f@%& out by this. But instead, Penny finds it charming! And now they're having coffee. Yay for improbable connections.
Obviously I'm being a jackass. That was a very poignant and wonderful scene and my only defense mechanism is to be an asshole and make fun of it. Sorry.
Satisfied, Desmond struts into the limo and asks for the flight manifest. He's throwing a party and every castaway is invited! How the heck he is going to get them all together is beyond me, but this would actually be a pretty sweet scene to watch. My guess? Everyone would hate Arzt and Frogurt within two minutes of talking to them.
Meanwhile, on the Island, Desmond wasn't fried like the other poor bastard. No, it seems he has come back and is more agreeable than ever, ready to help Widmore with some unnameable task? My guess? Use the pockets of electromagnetic energy to somehow extinguish the Sideways World.
I sure as hell hope the plan isn't to try to get everyone together, pull a Jonestown, and explode a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. I'm not sure that we really need Jack Bauer running around the Island at this point.
And then, out of the jungle jumpsRambo Sayid and starts snapping necks. And there goes Desmond, eager to follow. Why? I have no idea.
But we've reached the endgame, folks. The worlds cannot coexist with each other and are about to collide. Our brother Desmond, it seems, is going to destroy the world. Who's excited?
That's because the one constant about Lost is Desmond. Other characters also have consistently awesome episodes, but Desmond's are by far the most mind-blowing ones. Just to name one, "The Constant" might be the single greatest hour of television this show has ever produced.
What the writers actually accomplish with Desmond episodes is staggering. On the one hand, these are the episodes that are the most out there in terms of WTF-ness. In between the time-traveling, and the EMPs, and the fact that the rules of quantum mechanics don't apply to Desmond except to make his clothes disappear, the writers really let their nerd flags fly here.
But on the other hand, these are among the most emotionally heart-wrenching episodes the show has. Go watch the ending of "The Constant." Hell, the ending of this one. Despite all the sci-fi flying around the room, the writers created a character in Desmond who people can identify with, and then they gave him an epic backstory to defy all the other backstories on the show. All Desmond wants to do is get back to Penny, and everything in the universe -- the Dharma Initiative, the Others, Jack Shephard, John Locke, Widmore, and even time and space itself -- conspire against that purpose.
And that's why the viewers root for him, this poor guy, who asked his father-in-law for his daughter's hand and was told he deserved nothing, who was trapped on an Island for three years with no-one for company but the meanest screw to ever walk a turn at Shawshank, who had to press a button every 108 minutes for three years, who was flung across space and time and the laws of physics themselves, and all he wants to do is return to his one true love.
That's why the writers hang the sci-fi stuff on him. Because he might be the only character who makes it work. And he not only makes it work, he knocks it out of the park. His episodes are tremendous, and tonight's was no exception.
So here's to Henry Ian Cusick and here's to the constant excellence that comes from the character of Desmond.
Onward.
Desmond. He gets the rarity that is an "exclusive" episode. So forgive me if this is a little more recap-py than previous analyses. Unlike Desmond, I see no other way to review tonight's episode than by following a linear path.
We open up to every man's worst nightmare: waking up to find your father-in-law standing in front of you. I cannot conceive of a single scenario where this would be a good thing.
And then it got worse for Desmond. Not only was he kidnapped, beaten, and drugged and then dragged in front of his father-in-law, but then he gets told he has been brought back to the Island where he was trapped for three years. I'm surprised it only took two men to restrain his rage blackout.
Then we got a glimpse of what I first thought to be the velociraptor paddock from Jurassic Park. It actually turned out to be a huge kind of electromagnetic generator that could electormagnetize the living crap out of Rabbit Angstrom (Shout-out to John Updike!).
Of course, because there is administrative regulatory organism on the Island, they're not really big on fail-safes and safety bars when dealing with catastrophic pockets of energy. After he "fixed it," Safety Inspector Homer Simpson just decided to turn on the machine, because there's no way Lenny or Carl will be in there working on it, right?
Wrong. Now we have a Kentucky Fried Nerd. What bothered me more is that, after they removed extra crispy from the scene of the accident, they threw in Desmond without a further test! WHAT THE HELL. Why else do you idiots think you have the rabbit? They must have gotten their operation manual from the now out-of-print "The Scientific Method for Dummies," by Dr. Jack Shephard.
And so Desmond got Dr. Manhattaned and became unstuck in time.
Cut back to Sideways world, where it seems Desmond is a combination of both Ryan Bingham from Up in the Air and another George Clooney character, the eponymous fixer Michael Clayton. As a jet-setter who is also a fixer, Sideways Desmond enjoys a great relationship with Charles Widmore, presumably because he hasn't tried to sleep with his daughter yet.
And his task? Babysit Charlie the Junkie! Have you ever had to take care of a drunk? (Stop looking at me like that). Multiply that by a hundred and you'll know what it's like to take care of a junkie.
Not only did Desmond have to endure a trite speech by Charlie about true love (look, Charlie, I get that Claire is your true love, but people who use the phrase "step into the void" need to be hit with a shovel. Also, have you talked to Claire lately? You dodged a bullet there, champ. Trust me), but he also got driven into a river because the drug addict he was babysitting was making a point.
To be fair to Charlie, it was a rather important point. It seems that at moments of great stress, the barrier between the two worlds dissolves. Charlie clearly felt it when he almost died of asphyxiation by means of heroin. Some of you will think that he saw Claire sitting there, frumpy and preggo, when he was talking about his true love's beauty. And that's nice. But I think he was looking at Season 4 Claire, who was beyond hot.
In fact, the stress releases moments of what is now looking more and more like the real world, the actual reality, the one that has to exist at the expense of the Sideways Universe. Desmond gets a glimpse of the Charlie drowning scene, in an excellent use of deja vu. That was just a terrific scene. Later, in the MRI room of the only hospital in Los Angeles, Desmond gets more flashes of Penny and his actual life.
Understandably spooked out, Desmond goes to Eloise Widmore to tell her that the bass player (sort of really important in a rock band) is kind of missing. She's actually cool about it and gives us yet another callback quote: "What happened, happened." But then Desmond has to go and overhear who's on the guest list.
It's Penny, of course. And Mrs. Widmore is none too pleased about this. She tells him to relax, take a chill pill, and stop looking for answers. Clearly she knows something is wrong. She's always been a mysterious lady but I can't recall her being quite this cold-hearted. Except for the whole raising her son to be a physics genius so he could travel back in time and be shot and killed by her younger self. I guess that was kind of mean.
Understandably flummoxed, Desmond starts to walk away. But it's Twitchy to the rescue! Instead of rocking the skinny geek tie, he rocks the skinny hispter tie (The difference? The hat). He's not a scientist in Sideways World, but a classical musician. However, he still, somewhere in his head, knows quantum mechanics. And somewhere in his other head, he still has the hots for Charlotte, who, as we all know, is single and ready to mingle.
And this is where it gets weird. I ain't going to pretend I understood anything of what Faraday said. It was weird and convoluted and distractingly specific for someone who doesn't know what's going on.
My best guess is that Faraday was explaining that this world, the Sideways World, is fake. It isn't real and it should not be. Something happened in the actual world (this would be Juliet detonating Jughead) that created this other world they are living in. But this world is wrong somehow. Even though everyone is getting a bastardized version of their fondest wish, this world is fake. It is not meant to be. And it has to be destroyed so that things can go back to the way they used to be, so that everyone can see the truth.
I think.
...
Remember when this used to be a show about people trying to find food on a deserted island?
The next scene is even more unbelievable: Faraday sets up his sister with a Scotsman. What the hell are you doing, dude? If I was your dad, I would beat the crap out of you for this one.
And it turns out that the time and place to meet is the stadium where Actual Desmond used to jog. And look! There's Penny, jogging too! But wait. What is Desmond doing? Is he going to go hit on her now? While she is working out? Because this is the one woman in the world who doesn't mind being approached by a guy when she is sweaty and out of breath and in her workout clothes?
She is! With any other couple, hitting on a girl while she is working out would never work. But because this is Desmond and Penny, the truest love this show has seen, they connect. There's something there. He knows it. She knows it. She especially knows it when she shakes his hand and he frickin' faints. And these crazy kids must be meant to be together because any other woman would have been freaked the f@%& out by this. But instead, Penny finds it charming! And now they're having coffee. Yay for improbable connections.
Obviously I'm being a jackass. That was a very poignant and wonderful scene and my only defense mechanism is to be an asshole and make fun of it. Sorry.
Satisfied, Desmond struts into the limo and asks for the flight manifest. He's throwing a party and every castaway is invited! How the heck he is going to get them all together is beyond me, but this would actually be a pretty sweet scene to watch. My guess? Everyone would hate Arzt and Frogurt within two minutes of talking to them.
Meanwhile, on the Island, Desmond wasn't fried like the other poor bastard. No, it seems he has come back and is more agreeable than ever, ready to help Widmore with some unnameable task? My guess? Use the pockets of electromagnetic energy to somehow extinguish the Sideways World.
I sure as hell hope the plan isn't to try to get everyone together, pull a Jonestown, and explode a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. I'm not sure that we really need Jack Bauer running around the Island at this point.
And then, out of the jungle jumps
But we've reached the endgame, folks. The worlds cannot coexist with each other and are about to collide. Our brother Desmond, it seems, is going to destroy the world. Who's excited?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Lawyers, Guns, and Money
I would like to inform all concerned parties that the score from my ethics exam has come back. And somehow, I passed.
And I did not only just pass this exam like a quiet ship in the night. No, I passed the s@$* out of this exam. According to this exam, I am so ethical, the Pope himself looks unethical.
OK, bad example.
Still. According to this, I am in the upper echelon of ethical behavior for lawyers. Granted, this still lands me in the bottom 10 percent of the general populace. However, according to this scale, I live, breathe, and bleed ethics.
Which leads to the inescapable conclusion that the MPRE must be flawed, perhaps fatally so.
The good news is I can now take the Massachusetts bar exam. Yay. I guess.
The bad news? I have no idea what to do with myself now.
This result comes as a complete shock to me. I had no clue that I was so ethical. I constantly operated under the assumption that I was kind of a bad person. And now I sit here, pondering, re-evaluating my life.
What am I to do? How am I to proceed? Do I have to change my behavior? Must I renounce a life of crime? Do I turn to religion? Good Lord, do I have to become a priest now? If that is the case, can I still tell girls I'm an astronaut?
And I did not only just pass this exam like a quiet ship in the night. No, I passed the s@$* out of this exam. According to this exam, I am so ethical, the Pope himself looks unethical.
OK, bad example.
Still. According to this, I am in the upper echelon of ethical behavior for lawyers. Granted, this still lands me in the bottom 10 percent of the general populace. However, according to this scale, I live, breathe, and bleed ethics.
Which leads to the inescapable conclusion that the MPRE must be flawed, perhaps fatally so.
The good news is I can now take the Massachusetts bar exam. Yay. I guess.
The bad news? I have no idea what to do with myself now.
This result comes as a complete shock to me. I had no clue that I was so ethical. I constantly operated under the assumption that I was kind of a bad person. And now I sit here, pondering, re-evaluating my life.
What am I to do? How am I to proceed? Do I have to change my behavior? Must I renounce a life of crime? Do I turn to religion? Good Lord, do I have to become a priest now? If that is the case, can I still tell girls I'm an astronaut?
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Brave New World
Tonight we get a baseball game that is one that -- were it not for their largely self-aggrandizing fan bases -- no one would care about. Except for one thing.
It's Opening Day.
Opening Day isperhaps my favorite day of the year and, once again like death and taxes, it has finally arrived.
So on Opening Day I am more than happy to put up with Joe Morgan and Jon Miller -- a.k.a. Dumb and Dumber -- and the bloviations attendant to the Most Historic and Important and Transcendent Rivalry of All Time Ever.
Why? Because baseball is back, finally. And that's just terrific.
The real treat, however, is tomorrow, where we get a smorgasbord of games throughout the day. This will repeat itself essentially every day for the next six months and I couldn't be happier. Finally, it's back.
This year, the Braves -- who much to my chagrin have been largely inconsequential for a handful of years now -- are fielding their strongest team in years. Even then, Atlanta will have difficulty climbing over obstacles like the following teams:
In my opinion, the Phillies downgraded in going from the lefty Cliff Lee to the righty Roy Halladay. But that's like when Justin Timberlake dumped Scarlett Johansson for Jessica Biel. It's still an amazing team, and all us division rivals can do is order another scotch and wonder what Lindsay Lohan is up to these days.
The New YorkRent-a-Mercenary Yankees are, again, the class of baseball, as their fans will no doubt remind everyone else on a daily basis. But they're old, A-Rod and Tex hate each other, and Sabathia slowly but surely is turning into Hurley from Lost in front of our very eyes. Their window is going to close soon, even though that day can't come soon enough.
What can I say about the Red Sox? It's but a matter of time before they throw the corpses of Lowell, Ortiz, Varitek, Wakefield, Beltre and Mike Cameron out on the field with the robot they call Drew on a regular basis. Yeesh. If I was a Sox fan, though, I'd be most worried about Jonathan "One-pitch Wonder" Papelbon and his incredible shrinking command.
Other teams like the Rays and the Cardinals and the Dodgers have pretty decent teams as well, but they, like everyone else, face an uphill battle against these three. How could you not? Those teams are stacked.
Nevertheless, they have flaws. And those flaws open up things just a little, leaving enough of a chance for other, more underrated teams to sneak in and steal the show.
Like the Braves.
The Braves started their winter on a low note, trading their best pitcher (Javy Vazquez) to the Evil Team of Evil for their worst player (Melky. Yes, Melky). Yes, there's a pretty decent pitching prospect in there for Atlanta too, but he's in Single-A, which is like saying that you got a seed which has a 10 percent chance of turning into a tree.
The winter continued with the Braves picking up people off the scrap heap. These are players like Troy Glaus, Billy Wagner, and Takashi Saito. Yes, they kind of barely played last year, but (pauses to kick the tires) who knows, they look like they have one more run left in them. If they do, it's awesome. If they don't, well, I guess we'll all just crash in the desert and wander for a few days until dead.
Even with all that, however, we have reason to hope. Our lineup is finally free of the three black holes that were CF, 2B and Jeff "Everything I touch turns to Suck" Francouer, who all played entirely too many games last year and sunk the Braves into a hole they could not climb out of. Now we have a solid, if unspectacular, lineup that could easily top 800 runs scored over the course of the year.
That should be plenty for our pitching staff, which is fawesome (f*$%ing + awesome) this year. Other teams may have Front Two or even Front Three who are better than the Braves' Front Two or Three, but not by much. And if you look at the entire rotation, it is the deepest in the game. Despite starting on Opening Day, Derek Lowe is only the fourth-best starter. Kawakami at fifth is a luxury. Jurrjens is due for some regression, true, but he and Tim Hudson should post terrific numbers as the 2-3s. And the actual ace, all of 24 years old, is named Tommy Hanson and will finish in the top five for the Cy Young. Hell, put him down for 20 wins. I'll take those 10-1 odds any day of the week.
With a deep bullpen and a strong bench, I wouldn't be surprised if, barring injury, the Braves have four 15-game winners this season. That's my prediction. We have a real good shot at the wild card and an outside shot at the division.
And that's without mentioning the two X factors.
One is Bobby Cox. Now, I will bet you a beer that he'll be back managing next year. He said it's his last season, but I'll believe it when I see it. In fact, what I do believe is that Bobby Cox's fate is to fall down dead during an argument with an umpire. That said, he is 70 and maybe he means it and maybe this lights a fire under the Braves' ass to go out there and win a last one for the skipper.
The other? Jason Heyward, the putative rookie of the year and consensus best prospect in baseball. He's going to be starting at right field for the Braves and he is not even old enough to drink. The only players that young and that heralded coming up, in my memory, were the Pujolses and the A-Rods and the (older people say) Junior Griffeys. (Also the Alex Gordons, but who invited you, Captain Buzzkill?) Jason Heyward looks amazing (check out this 500-foot Home Run from three weeks ago and listen to the Ohhs and Ahhs coming from both dugouts) and he is going to be very very good for a very long time.
It's good to be a Braves fan this year is all I can say.
It's Opening Day.
Opening Day is
So on Opening Day I am more than happy to put up with Joe Morgan and Jon Miller -- a.k.a. Dumb and Dumber -- and the bloviations attendant to the Most Historic and Important and Transcendent Rivalry of All Time Ever.
Why? Because baseball is back, finally. And that's just terrific.
The real treat, however, is tomorrow, where we get a smorgasbord of games throughout the day. This will repeat itself essentially every day for the next six months and I couldn't be happier. Finally, it's back.
This year, the Braves -- who much to my chagrin have been largely inconsequential for a handful of years now -- are fielding their strongest team in years. Even then, Atlanta will have difficulty climbing over obstacles like the following teams:
In my opinion, the Phillies downgraded in going from the lefty Cliff Lee to the righty Roy Halladay. But that's like when Justin Timberlake dumped Scarlett Johansson for Jessica Biel. It's still an amazing team, and all us division rivals can do is order another scotch and wonder what Lindsay Lohan is up to these days.
The New York
What can I say about the Red Sox? It's but a matter of time before they throw the corpses of Lowell, Ortiz, Varitek, Wakefield, Beltre and Mike Cameron out on the field with the robot they call Drew on a regular basis. Yeesh. If I was a Sox fan, though, I'd be most worried about Jonathan "One-pitch Wonder" Papelbon and his incredible shrinking command.
Other teams like the Rays and the Cardinals and the Dodgers have pretty decent teams as well, but they, like everyone else, face an uphill battle against these three. How could you not? Those teams are stacked.
Nevertheless, they have flaws. And those flaws open up things just a little, leaving enough of a chance for other, more underrated teams to sneak in and steal the show.
Like the Braves.
The Braves started their winter on a low note, trading their best pitcher (Javy Vazquez) to the Evil Team of Evil for their worst player (Melky. Yes, Melky). Yes, there's a pretty decent pitching prospect in there for Atlanta too, but he's in Single-A, which is like saying that you got a seed which has a 10 percent chance of turning into a tree.
The winter continued with the Braves picking up people off the scrap heap. These are players like Troy Glaus, Billy Wagner, and Takashi Saito. Yes, they kind of barely played last year, but (pauses to kick the tires) who knows, they look like they have one more run left in them. If they do, it's awesome. If they don't, well, I guess we'll all just crash in the desert and wander for a few days until dead.
Even with all that, however, we have reason to hope. Our lineup is finally free of the three black holes that were CF, 2B and Jeff "Everything I touch turns to Suck" Francouer, who all played entirely too many games last year and sunk the Braves into a hole they could not climb out of. Now we have a solid, if unspectacular, lineup that could easily top 800 runs scored over the course of the year.
That should be plenty for our pitching staff, which is fawesome (f*$%ing + awesome) this year. Other teams may have Front Two or even Front Three who are better than the Braves' Front Two or Three, but not by much. And if you look at the entire rotation, it is the deepest in the game. Despite starting on Opening Day, Derek Lowe is only the fourth-best starter. Kawakami at fifth is a luxury. Jurrjens is due for some regression, true, but he and Tim Hudson should post terrific numbers as the 2-3s. And the actual ace, all of 24 years old, is named Tommy Hanson and will finish in the top five for the Cy Young. Hell, put him down for 20 wins. I'll take those 10-1 odds any day of the week.
With a deep bullpen and a strong bench, I wouldn't be surprised if, barring injury, the Braves have four 15-game winners this season. That's my prediction. We have a real good shot at the wild card and an outside shot at the division.
And that's without mentioning the two X factors.
One is Bobby Cox. Now, I will bet you a beer that he'll be back managing next year. He said it's his last season, but I'll believe it when I see it. In fact, what I do believe is that Bobby Cox's fate is to fall down dead during an argument with an umpire. That said, he is 70 and maybe he means it and maybe this lights a fire under the Braves' ass to go out there and win a last one for the skipper.
The other? Jason Heyward, the putative rookie of the year and consensus best prospect in baseball. He's going to be starting at right field for the Braves and he is not even old enough to drink. The only players that young and that heralded coming up, in my memory, were the Pujolses and the A-Rods and the (older people say) Junior Griffeys. (Also the Alex Gordons, but who invited you, Captain Buzzkill?) Jason Heyward looks amazing (check out this 500-foot Home Run from three weeks ago and listen to the Ohhs and Ahhs coming from both dugouts) and he is going to be very very good for a very long time.
It's good to be a Braves fan this year is all I can say.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Random Video of the Day LXXIV
Some of you might wonder why I like Muppet videos so much. To you I say, how can you not? Nom nom nom.
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