See You in Another Life, Brother

How good was Lost last night? Immediately following the conclusion of the show, "Desmond" became a trending topic on Twitter. Not "Lost," but "Desmond."

That's because the one constant about Lost is Desmond. Other characters also have consistently awesome episodes, but Desmond's are by far the most mind-blowing ones. Just to name one, "The Constant" might be the single greatest hour of television this show has ever produced.

What the writers actually accomplish with Desmond episodes is staggering. On the one hand, these are the episodes that are the most out there in terms of WTF-ness. In between the time-traveling, and the EMPs, and the fact that the rules of quantum mechanics don't apply to Desmond except to make his clothes disappear, the writers really let their nerd flags fly here.

But on the other hand, these are among the most emotionally heart-wrenching episodes the show has. Go watch the ending of "The Constant." Hell, the ending of this one. Despite all the sci-fi flying around the room, the writers created a character in Desmond who people can identify with, and then they gave him an epic backstory to defy all the other backstories on the show. All Desmond wants to do is get back to Penny, and everything in the universe -- the Dharma Initiative, the Others, Jack Shephard, John Locke, Widmore, and even time and space itself -- conspire against that purpose.

And that's why the viewers root for him, this poor guy, who asked his father-in-law for his daughter's hand and was told he deserved nothing, who was trapped on an Island for three years with no-one for company but the meanest screw to ever walk a turn at Shawshank, who had to press a button every 108 minutes for three years, who was flung across space and time and the laws of physics themselves, and all he wants to do is return to his one true love.

That's why the writers hang the sci-fi stuff on him. Because he might be the only character who makes it work. And he not only makes it work, he knocks it out of the park. His episodes are tremendous, and tonight's was no exception.

So here's to Henry Ian Cusick and here's to the constant excellence that comes from the character of Desmond.

Onward.

Desmond. He gets the rarity that is an "exclusive" episode. So forgive me if this is a little more recap-py than previous analyses. Unlike Desmond, I see no other way to review tonight's episode than by following a linear path.

We open up to every man's worst nightmare: waking up to find your father-in-law standing in front of you. I cannot conceive of a single scenario where this would be a good thing.

And then it got worse for Desmond. Not only was he kidnapped, beaten, and drugged and then dragged in front of his father-in-law, but then he gets told he has been brought back to the Island where he was trapped for three years. I'm surprised it only took two men to restrain his rage blackout.

Then we got a glimpse of what I first thought to be the velociraptor paddock from Jurassic Park. It actually turned out to be a huge kind of electromagnetic generator that could electormagnetize the living crap out of Rabbit Angstrom (Shout-out to John Updike!).

Of course, because there is administrative regulatory organism on the Island, they're not really big on fail-safes and safety bars when dealing with catastrophic pockets of energy. After he "fixed it," Safety Inspector Homer Simpson just decided to turn on the machine, because there's no way Lenny or Carl will be in there working on it, right?

Wrong. Now we have a Kentucky Fried Nerd. What bothered me more is that, after they removed extra crispy from the scene of the accident, they threw in Desmond without a further test! WHAT THE HELL. Why else do you idiots think you have the rabbit? They must have gotten their operation manual from the now out-of-print "The Scientific Method for Dummies," by Dr. Jack Shephard.

And so Desmond got Dr. Manhattaned and became unstuck in time.

Cut back to Sideways world, where it seems Desmond is a combination of both Ryan Bingham from Up in the Air and another George Clooney character, the eponymous fixer Michael Clayton. As a jet-setter who is also a fixer, Sideways Desmond enjoys a great relationship with Charles Widmore, presumably because he hasn't tried to sleep with his daughter yet.

And his task? Babysit Charlie the Junkie! Have you ever had to take care of a drunk? (Stop looking at me like that). Multiply that by a hundred and you'll know what it's like to take care of a junkie.

Not only did Desmond have to endure a trite speech by Charlie about true love (look, Charlie, I get that Claire is your true love, but people who use the phrase "step into the void" need to be hit with a shovel. Also, have you talked to Claire lately? You dodged a bullet there, champ. Trust me), but he also got driven into a river because the drug addict he was babysitting was making a point.

To be fair to Charlie, it was a rather important point. It seems that at moments of great stress, the barrier between the two worlds dissolves. Charlie clearly felt it when he almost died of asphyxiation by means of heroin. Some of you will think that he saw Claire sitting there, frumpy and preggo, when he was talking about his true love's beauty. And that's nice. But I think he was looking at Season 4 Claire, who was beyond hot.

In fact, the stress releases moments of what is now looking more and more like the real world, the actual reality, the one that has to exist at the expense of the Sideways Universe. Desmond gets a glimpse of the Charlie drowning scene, in an excellent use of deja vu. That was just a terrific scene. Later, in the MRI room of the only hospital in Los Angeles, Desmond gets more flashes of Penny and his actual life.

Understandably spooked out, Desmond goes to Eloise Widmore to tell her that the bass player (sort of really important in a rock band) is kind of missing. She's actually cool about it and gives us yet another callback quote: "What happened, happened." But then Desmond has to go and overhear who's on the guest list.

It's Penny, of course. And Mrs. Widmore is none too pleased about this. She tells him to relax, take a chill pill, and stop looking for answers. Clearly she knows something is wrong. She's always been a mysterious lady but I can't recall her being quite this cold-hearted. Except for the whole raising her son to be a physics genius so he could travel back in time and be shot and killed by her younger self. I guess that was kind of mean.

Understandably flummoxed, Desmond starts to walk away. But it's Twitchy to the rescue! Instead of rocking the skinny geek tie, he rocks the skinny hispter tie (The difference? The hat). He's not a scientist in Sideways World, but a classical musician. However, he still, somewhere in his head, knows quantum mechanics. And somewhere in his other head, he still has the hots for Charlotte, who, as we all know, is single and ready to mingle.

And this is where it gets weird. I ain't going to pretend I understood anything of what Faraday said. It was weird and convoluted and distractingly specific for someone who doesn't know what's going on.

My best guess is that Faraday was explaining that this world, the Sideways World, is fake. It isn't real and it should not be. Something happened in the actual world (this would be Juliet detonating Jughead) that created this other world they are living in. But this world is wrong somehow. Even though everyone is getting a bastardized version of their fondest wish, this world is fake. It is not meant to be. And it has to be destroyed so that things can go back to the way they used to be, so that everyone can see the truth.

I think.

...

Remember when this used to be a show about people trying to find food on a deserted island?

The next scene is even more unbelievable: Faraday sets up his sister with a Scotsman. What the hell are you doing, dude? If I was your dad, I would beat the crap out of you for this one.

And it turns out that the time and place to meet is the stadium where Actual Desmond used to jog. And look! There's Penny, jogging too! But wait. What is Desmond doing? Is he going to go hit on her now? While she is working out? Because this is the one woman in the world who doesn't mind being approached by a guy when she is sweaty and out of breath and in her workout clothes?

She is! With any other couple, hitting on a girl while she is working out would never work. But because this is Desmond and Penny, the truest love this show has seen, they connect. There's something there. He knows it. She knows it. She especially knows it when she shakes his hand and he frickin' faints. And these crazy kids must be meant to be together because any other woman would have been freaked the f@%& out by this. But instead, Penny finds it charming! And now they're having coffee. Yay for improbable connections.

Obviously I'm being a jackass. That was a very poignant and wonderful scene and my only defense mechanism is to be an asshole and make fun of it. Sorry.

Satisfied, Desmond struts into the limo and asks for the flight manifest. He's throwing a party and every castaway is invited! How the heck he is going to get them all together is beyond me, but this would actually be a pretty sweet scene to watch. My guess? Everyone would hate Arzt and Frogurt within two minutes of talking to them.

Meanwhile, on the Island, Desmond wasn't fried like the other poor bastard. No, it seems he has come back and is more agreeable than ever, ready to help Widmore with some unnameable task? My guess? Use the pockets of electromagnetic energy to somehow extinguish the Sideways World.

I sure as hell hope the plan isn't to try to get everyone together, pull a Jonestown, and explode a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. I'm not sure that we really need Jack Bauer running around the Island at this point.

And then, out of the jungle jumps Rambo Sayid and starts snapping necks. And there goes Desmond, eager to follow. Why? I have no idea.

But we've reached the endgame, folks. The worlds cannot coexist with each other and are about to collide. Our brother Desmond, it seems, is going to destroy the world. Who's excited?