The Non-Trial of the Century

If you will remember, a couple of weeks ago I informed the world that I would be going to trial soon. A real trial, with a judge and a jury and a strapping young prosecutor who would deliver a performance so memorable, he would not only get a standing ovation but also a five-picture deal with Universal Studios.

The trial, for an assault and battery in a movie theater, is scheduled to take place tomorrow, Wednesday the 24th.

I regret to inform my readership that, as expected, the defense attorney and I have come to a mutually agreeable disposition. As a result, we will not be going to trial.

I know. I know. I’m as disappointed as you all are. This is the right result. On the one hand, the guy had no prior record and my star witness had been arrested for fraudulent activities a gajillion times, so whoops. On the other, YOU CAN’T RUIN THE MOVIE FOR EVERYONE AND EXPECT TO GET AWAY WITH IT, DUDE.

While it is the right result, I really wanted to go to trial. It would have been an awesome experience. So I’m a little disappointed.

But not as disappointed as that poor judge who will no longer be able to marvel at my legal skills. Not as disappointed as the jurors who will not be exposed to the sort of lawyering you tell your grandkids about. Not as disappointed as my colleagues, who will now miss out on an inspiring performance and a chance to give me a standing ovation at the conclusion of my closing argument. Not as disappointed as God, who will no longer see one of his greatest creations make the leap from awesome to super-awesome.

On the other hand, this is clearly GREAT news for my ego.