The Worst Thing to Come Out of Cornell

On behalf of Cornell nation, I'd like to apologize to the nation.

It is with great shame and sadness that I acknowledge the fact that, although he dropped out, the creator of Twitter went to Cornell.

I learned this grievous fact this morning and have been wandering around in shock. I imagine this is how Princeton feels, since it housed the creator of the Atomic Bomb, a device which, like Twitter, will ultimately destroy us all. Except of course, they have the mitigating factor of that guy also being the smartest guy in the world. Ever.

I say this without a trace of hyperbole: This must be how it is when a German schoolboy learns that Hitler was from there.

I am beyond devastated. If there are any reparations we Cornell alums can provide, do not hesitate to inform me.

I will now retreat to my bed, where I will alternate between weeping and staring at the ceiling.

Good grief.