Mr. Congeniality

Caitlin's friend's little brother is entering some sort of high school pageant. Because of my ample experience participating in beauty pageants, she asked me to help. Unfortunately, since I'm in Boston and he's in Chicago, I am sadly unable to show him how to wear a suit and how to fluff out enough chest hair so that it's like a welcome mat saying, "Come on in."

What I can do, and have done, is written down answers for the questions he will be asked, mostly so he doesn't end up as this. Below, I have the questions he sent me and the answers he sent him. You'll notice I left the questions themselves unedited. Apparently, this is how high schoolers write now. May God have mercy on us all.

Please name three words girls describe u as?
"The white Obama." (Beam)
Alternate: Girlfriend-tested, Mother-approved, Can’t-Count.
Alternate: Delicious and Nutritious
Alternate: Awesome, Playful, Pecs

If you could travel back into any time period, which one and y?
I’d travel to the 30s, a time when baseball was pure and the only stimulants were coffee and skirts.

If you could be a famous person, who would it be and why?
Myself. In the future. Think about that.

If you were fighting darth vadar what would your last words be?
Later, Vader.

If simon cowell told u that u were the disgrace of the american music industry, what would ur rebuttle be?
I got a fever! And the only prescription is less Cowell!

You are on americas next top dance crew and it is ur time to shine. what move do u break out to show ur skills. Demonstrate
(Macarena into striptease)

If you could be a disney caharacter, who would it be and y?
I’d love to say Aladdin, because he’s in charge of a genie who could grant all of my girlfriend’s wishes. (Pause for awww) And give her a bigger rack. (Grin)

Which food best represents who you are ?
The hot tamale.

if you could be any mythical creature which one would u be and y?
I’d be Icarus, because when I asked Heidi Klum to go steady with me, it was like flying a little too close to the sun.

if you could step into any movie as ur real life which one would it be and y?
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off so I could save that poor car before Cameron destroys it.

(Formal wear questions)
ur girlfriend want to take ballroom dance lessons but its on "guys night" what do u do?
Release a pack of wild hamsters into the ballroom dance classroom right before the lesson. It’s less dangerous and criminal than setting the place on fire, but still effective. Girls won’t want to walk in there. Nobody, really, until the poor janitor does his job. Sorry, janitor.

ur girlfrined picks u up for a suprise date. little did u kno it is ur anniversary? what do u do when she gives u a gift and you have nothing.
Take off my shirt, tie it around my neck like a bow, and go, “Surprise!”

its ur girlfriends parents aniversary and there is a cake sitting on the counter, thinking its ur u decided to eat it and get caught. what do u do?
I tell them I didn’t get to be this size and shape without eating cake. Therefore, I have carried out God's will and only He can judge me. If this doesn’t fly and pops brings out the shotgun, say I’m just kidding, the cake was terrible anyway, and I took the initiative to order a bigger, better cake that more fully represents the deliciousness of their love. Then pray your girlfriend takes the hint and calls either 911 or the emergency cake store.

ur watching the lion king wiht ur gf when she catches u crying, how do u explain?
“I’m sorry, I just think it’s sad that Pumba is going to die of obesity if he doesn’t start taking better care of himself!”

u have borrowed ur girlfrineds "emergencey only" credit card to buy a few things but u max it out buying world of war craft video games. explain!
This is a terrible question. If I knew how to max out a credit card buying Warcraft video games, I wouldn’t have a girlfriend. Therefore, this wouldn’t be a problem.

u and ur gf are cleaning ur room, when she uncovers several old photos of u wiht ur ex. please tell her why u still have them.
Because I paid money for them and it seemed a waste to throw five dollars away. By the way, I would never let my girlfriend clean my room. What is this, the 50s?

Ur gf gave u a verrry exspensive watch for ur bday and said it was so u could think of her every hour of the day. but u dindt like it and returned it. call ur gf and explain y u arent wearing it explain.
Before I call her, I run into a wall, probably accidentally. Then I call her and tell her I got mugged. And that cake and snuggling would really help with the pain.

u show up to dinner with ur gf and her parents in a hawaiian shirt and shorts not realizing it was a formal event. the parents already hate u, what do u say to them?
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know this was an actual dinner. I thought we were just saying goodbye before we go to Hawaii.” Then I grab my girlfriend by the hand, say Goodbye, and actually take her to Hawaii, using the credit card I did not max out buying video games.

ur watching ur gfs dog and the dog runs away. u bought a new dog that looked identical to her old one. a week later with her "new" dog the old dog comes back. explain urself.
Obviously the dog has a twin, and, since her dog is such a “good dog,” this new dog has to be the evil twin. So, um, run.