The Best Hotels in Vegas

No matter where I am, be it Ithaca or Boston, I’m usually the resident expert on Mexico. I chalk this up to the rules of default.

Recently, however, I’ve also been sought out as a guru for all things Vegas. I’d like to think that this is also by default, but it probably speaks to larger issues. In any case, it’s nice to be versatile.

Now, because not one but two people have asked me for hotel recommendations in Vegas, comes this incredibly lengthy post. I’ve stayed at nine different hotels in Vegas and have loitered and/or gambled at almost every other hotel. I could draw you a map of the Strip just from memory. So I know a little bit about what I’m taking about, for once.

So here they are. My top 5 hotels in Vegas for a student or recent-student in his mid-20s, with a budget that is limited but not on the cheap, who is a recreational gambler and avid drinker, looking to sleep as little as possible.

1. Caesar’s Palace. Simply the best. Location-wise, it’s right in the middle of the Strip. Yes, it’s grand and opulent but manages to avoid being crass and loud. A bit gimmicky but, as far as themes go, Roman emperor is better than say, pirates or the circus. Not the cheapest hotel on the Strip, but quite reasonable, especially because it’s kind of classy and the rooms are great. Great pool. Great bars. HUGE casino floor, although the waitresses are in the bottom tier. There’s a little section of blackjack tables manned by Pussycat Dolls, which can be good or bad, depending on your disposition towards distractions whilst gambling. Pete Rose works at the amazing Forum Shops. It's rumored to be Vince Vaughn’s favorite casino, and that's good enough for me.

2. Monte Carlo. A dark-horse at runner-up but hear me out. Extremely cheap – In this economy, a room can be had for under a hundred bucks a night on the weekend. You can fit three people in those rooms. So, if you subscribe to the idea that a hotel room in Vegas is only the place where you pass out for a couple of hours every morning, the Monte Carlo is a great place to store your bags. It also features a great location. Downside is there’s not much to do in there. As far as bars and restaurants inside it go, it’s a zero. Casino floor is moderate, although it gets bonus points for always having low-end tables where you can happily while the hours away. Also gets props for angering an entire nation by usurping the www.montecarlo.com web domain.

3. Mandalay Bay. It’s only downside is the location. Located at the Southern tip of the Strip, it is the shortest ride from the airport, but also the longest ride to anywhere else, requiring a cab ride for anything south of the Bellagio. On the other hand, it’s very reasonably priced and the rooms are gorgeous and huge, particularly at THEHotel next door. Their pool is the best in Vegas. Their European (topless for the literals among us) pool is one of two in Vegas. Plus gambling facilities, and a great sports book. While the bar scene is a little lacking, their restaurants are awesome. They have Aureole, which has the four-story wine tower, where you can watch “wine angels” (scantily clad women on zip lines) swarm up and down retrieving your Riesling. They have local Boston boy Todd English’s terrific steakhouse, which also has the hottest hostess I have ever seen. And the world’s best and first frozen bar. Google it.

4. Bellagio. You get to pretend you’re in Ocean’s 11, and it shows. The place is swarming with cougars and they'll settle for someone who is pretending to be either George Clooney or Brad Pitt. The Bellagio has some of the best bars on the Strip, mostly as an offshoot of people wandering there after quickly getting tired of its trendy clubs and Gestapo-trained bouncers. The casino is terrific, and cheap tables can be found. Terrific restaurants, although they trend quite a bit up-scale. Rooms are enormous and gorgeous. Which brings us to the huge drawback. Quite expensive. But the fountain show up front might be worth the expense.

5. Wynn. The nicest, classiest hotel on the Strip. Also the most expensive. The mitigating factor is, in this economy, it’s getting better. Two years ago the cheapest table was $50. Two months ago? $10. Great casino floor, without the oppressive sounds that characterize most casinos. Gorgeous waitresses. Terrific restaurants and awesome (but hard to get into) clubs. On site luxury car (Porsche, Rolls Royce) dealerships, which are nice to look at, like strippers. European pool with outdoor blackjack (!). Never seen a room, but first-hand accounts are fawning in a way that is almost embarrassing. Best hotel on the strip IF money is no obstacle.

Notable omissions include the Hard Rock and the Palms, both of which have a great scene and are terrific for young people, but are also located off-strip, requiring you to wait in toxic taxi lines for literally dozens of minutes, pay twenty dollars every time you want to go somewhere, and be exposed to the constant strip club promotion of every cabbie in the city. Planet Hollywood also makes the omission list, because it’s brand new, it’s far too early to tell. And the Venetian, which just missed the cut.

And, as a bonus, the please-God-let’s-never-stay-there-again hotels. I asked my buddy who works in Vegas which one of these was the worst casino. And he had to think about it for a while.

Ladies and gentlemen, the worst hotels in Vegas!

1. Circus Circus. So far away, you wouldn’t believe it. It’s really difficult to gamble when you have trapeze artists whizzing over your head. Charges 10 bucks a room (not really, but close) and can’t give them away. Has clowns.

2. Excalibur. In theory, medieval times could be an acceptable casino gimmick (see abundance of wenches). In practice, they did it wrong. Oh so wrong. They made it look like the magic kingdom. Cheap. Waaaay too cheap. No bars, clubs, or restaurants that stand out in any way. Populated by families and people who know how to play Dungeons & Dragons. Would not be caught dead there.

So there you have it. The longest post in the history of posts. But it is, I believe, a valuable public service. Vegas, baby! Vegas!