Children Destroy World With Mexican Pig Flu

In today's superplague news, several advancements have been made.

Patient Zero has been identified. I'd like to thank global news services for correctly identifying the one human responsible for killing us all. There's nothing quite like going on a manhunt, particularly when the target is not yet old enough to go to school. This should be an easy chase given that he is sick and frightened kid who probably has short legs. I still encourage everyone out there to join me. In mobs, like orgies, the more the merrier.

Science has long proved that every set of twins contains an evil twin and a good twin. A set of twins in Lowell has brought the superplague to Massachusetts. Whether this is the result of the good twin valiantly trying to poison the evil twin to get rid of him for good, or the evil twin tragically poisoning the good twin in the path to world domination, we will never know. What we do know is it all backfired, both twins are sick, we are all doomed, and it's always the children's fault.

And, lastly, there is a name other than Mexican we prefer. Something less offensive, perhaps. Showing commendable focus in choosing the correct priority, experts all over the world bicker over what we should this plague that threatens every form of life on the planet. Because Jews can't eat bacon, the "swine flu" moniker is offensive to them, and they prefer that we call it the "Mexican flu." This novel form of logic exists thanks to the assumption that, if you use "swine" as an adjective, Orthodox Jews will be deeply offended, whereas using "Mexican" as an adjective offends no one, save perhaps those who if not dead yet will be shortly.