Play Ball

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Baseball's back, the trees are coming back from the dead, summer ale is back in stores, and, once the forthcoming month of LOCKDOWN is over, things will be coming up aces again.

Opening Day is tonight!

This year, just like last, the Braves are once again playing Opening Night, and I get to watch baseball that counts again.

Even the unholy trinity of Miller, Morgan and Steve Phillips as commentators won't ruin this for me. I'm amazed that we are able to "walk through" city renderings on our iPhones, yet we can't figure out a way to sync up the radio feeds with the TV signal so we can enjoy the hometown crew instead of Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest.

But I'm pumped. The Braves had what I like to call the high-school-drama offseason. This analogy involves casting players as hot girls in high school, so forgive me for that. But if you can get over that conceit (and the length of the post), this works -- trust me.

In the beginning, we looked like a sure bet to land the hottest girl in school -- Jake Peavy. She was dissatisfied with her current guy, an underachieving poor bastard living in the enormous eclipse-like shadow of Tony Gwynn. The recession had hit them especially hard, and now Peavy was looking for a better suitor.

And we almost had them. We offered a fairly attractive girl and a boatload of girls with potential. They, however, wanted Tommy Hanson -- who might only be in middle school but is already wearing terrific sweaters and we just know she's going to make Peavy look like a bad Cancun spring break some day. Can't do. So this fell apart.

Then we went for the moody one -- AJ Burnett -- who can be spectacular when she's not refusing to go out because of some issue or another. She, however, chose to join the harem of the asshole in the pinstripe suit who promises equal parts riches and unhappiness. So no go.

And then the unkindest cut of all. Smoltz, the dependable, blazing hot stalwart of years past, felt disregarded enough to bolt and hook up with the Red Sox, who now are what the asshole in pinstripes tries to be. So yeah, it makes sense. Go with the one who is probably going to be homecoming king for that final shot at glory.

But it still hurt. So we went to the bar and got really drunk and started making eyes at this one -- Derek Lowe -- who is a little plain yet can look really good in certain light, especially when you're ten whiskeys deep and are wondering if it's worth it to even keep trying. But then we woke up in Reno, and were hungover, committed, and broke. For better or worse.

So that's the story of the Braves rotation this offseason, if the Braves were a polygamous southern gentleman and the free agent pitchers were girls vying for a date to prom. The Braves also picked up Javier "Big Inning" Vazquez and Kenshin "Poor Man's Dice-K" Kawakami.

Not the prettiest rotation, but now we have depth. Tommy Hanson, of the 96 mph darting fastball, 12-6 curve and devastating diagonal 86 mph slider, is waiting for the first injury. The bullpen is a beast. Francouer cannot possibly be worse than last year, and the lineup, though lacking a clean-up hitter, has eight guys who can hit at least 15 home runs and bat .270, so we might be able to dink and dunk enough runs to support the best pitching staff in the National League. And the Jordan Schafer era begins today and it's going to be a good one.

So yes, I'm optimistic. The Mets are woefully thin in pitching depth. The Phillies can't afford to lose any of their stars to injury-- not Hamels, not Myers, Utley, or the fatter, older Prince Fielder clone in first. So with a little luck, the Braves might have a shot at the division title.

Time again for choppers to Chipper. Baseball's back.