How I Broke Up With My Fake Girlfriend

The bad news is I'm still looking for a job. The good news is I'm not going to be in Hartford, Connecticut this coming summer.

The better news?

I can stop living a lie.

When I originally interviewed with this firm, I thought they were hiring for their Boston office. And the interview was going terrific, and I'd managed to avoid copious sweating, and I'm thinking that ohmygod this might actually go somewhere.

Imagine if this was a car ride, and I'm in my convertible, cruising down the highway, driving gloves on, scarf trailing in the breeze behind me, doing 90 miles an hour down a dead end street.

Then she drops the bomb.

"Well, considering that we're not currently hiring for our Boston office," she asks me, "what is it that draws you to our Hartford office?"

If we were to continue with the driving metaphor, it was as if a blind kid in a wheelchair with an armful of puppies suddenly darted onto the road in front of me. You know, the Houston, we have a problem part of the show. This could be devastating. No Boston? Only Hartford?

So a million things start running through my head. Hartford, Connecticut? I'm not even sure where that is. Hartford is not Boston. It's not even NYC.

But Hartford is on the east coast. And Hartford, ultimately, is in America. And that, my friends, is good enough for me.

I still needed a reason to go to Hartford. A legitimate reason. "I, well, I've got nothing else," would not be an acceptable answer. Other than the fact that I see Connecticut roll past the window when I'm traveling to and from NYC, I have no connection to the state. I needed an answer, fast.

So I lied.

"Why do I want to go to Hartford? Well, I live in Boston right now," I replied. "But see, I have this girlfriend, and she lives in NYC, so I don't really get to see her as much as I would like to. I don't really want to live in New York, and she wants to move closer to her family in Norwalk, so Hartford is really ideal."

That was like, seven lies in one sentence. But I sold it. I even managed to blush after the "I don't see her as much as I'd like to," part.

So now I had a fake girlfriend in New York City, who I didn't get to see much, who was originally from Connecticut, and with whom I was contemplating a future in Hartford.

Yay!

And then I got a callback. And the lie escalated. Apparently, the fake girlfriend and I met sophomore year. At a charity event. We'd been to Europe the previous summer. Our parents had actually met each other. I even hinted that I was close to proposing.

I know. I'm an awful person. But don't judge me. I really need a job. And at least I didn't say we had a baby on the way. Somehow I imagine that'd be hard to fake.

Alas, the job did not materialize. As such, I regret to inform everyone that my fake girlfriend in NYC and I are finished. It was a beautiful 5 year courtship, but it just wasn't meant to be. I guess reality got in the way.