At Least Give me Some Credit

As of yesterday, the Ultimate Power in the Universe (the U-PU) is in my hands.

Fresh from Omaha, Nebraska, an American Express green card arrived in my mail yesterday. It has my name on it, an expiration date, and proudly boasts that I have been a member since 08. And I could not be more thrilled. Me? A cardholder? A member of American Express?

It’s quite the honor, but my ambition does not stop there. This is my first step towards what has long been my life goal, the one thing I have always strived for. The American Express Black Card. I want one. Bad. I will not die happy without one. In fact, I will not die, period.

If ever there comes a time when I’m lying in a hospital bed, brain dead, unresponsive, catatonic, with nothing keeping me alive but a series of oxygen tubes and an IV line, DO NOT UNPLUG ME! Rather, have an Amex guy come in and offer me the Black Card. I guarantee you that I’ll be up and on my way to buy something shiny before the doctor knows what hit him.

But I am getting ahead of myself here. I am on the first step, the green card, with many more hurdles to overcome. One, I must not lose my card. Two, I must pay my card. Three, if I can’t pay my card, I must lose my card.

See? It’s simple. Even I can’t screw this up.

Now the question becomes, what should my first purchase be? What good or commodity gets to deflower my card?

This is an important question. It sets the tone for the whole relationship. A good first impression is always of paramount importance. It’s like meeting someone for the first time. I want to show up with a crisp tie and dry hands, not a half-empty bottle of Miller High Life and a too-long hug.

The people at American Express, who are monitoring my purchases, need to see that I am a man of taste and class. They need to know I’m a prime candidate for an upgrade to a Gold Card.

If, for example, I buy Twinkies, I’m done. Shot. My credibility would vanish faster than if I confessed that I enjoy the commentary of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Or that Barry Manilow is my favorite artist. Or that Urkel was funny.

OK. I've narrowed it down. My first purchase will be this, this, this, or one of these. Personally, I'm leaning towards a cannon, but I'm sure there's a good case to be made for the bear-skin rug.