Drinking Under the Table

Alcohol, the leading cause of mistakes in the world, was outlawed in 1920 in this country.

75 years ago today, prohibition, easily the biggest mistake in American history, was summarily repealed by the ratification of the best of the constitutional amendments, the twenty-first.

Why is it the best amendment? Because it colors all the others. Sure, free speech is great. But who would freely speak their mind without the liquid courage only the finest malts can provide? What is protected from unreasonable searches and seizures other than contraband bottles of tequila in a freshman dorm room? And how would we ever know that Plaxico "I Bring a Whole New Meaning to the Shotgun Formation" Burress implicitly condoned the second amendment without the impaired mental and motor skills that resulted from his having as many martinis as blows to the head?

So I wish everyone would take a moment today to acknowledge the decriminalization of beers, wines, and spirits. Just to imagine the implications of a world without alcohol would result in a list that is as frightening as it is endless:

Random hook-ups would plummet faster than the stock market.

Shotgun weddings would be based on love instead of impulse.

Diminished eloquence would make tricking someone into sleeping with you considerably trickier.

"Oh, Canada" would just be an anthem, and not a terrific drinking song.

A nightcap would be something you wear on your head at night.

Varsity beer pong, three-dollar Long Islands, and the walk of shame would be the stuff of fable.

"Because I was drinking" would no longer be a valid excuse.

What the hell would Jesus have turned the water into? Chamomile Tea? Snapple? New Coke?

The bar would not be a place of happiness, and would instead refer only to that horrible monster that is used to scare the living crap out of law students.

And nobody would ever know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.

So thank you, legislators, for realizing, probably over contraband whisky, that there was no reason why drinking should be illegal. Beer, Wines, and Spirits should be embraced, if only because they account for half the curriculum at Cornell's Hotel School. And then where would our hotelies be?

Probably at the bar.