My Advice? Don't Graduate

It is high time for graduations all over the country, where poor bastards across the nation are forced to leave the brief, magical bubble of awesomeness that is college and get dragged kicking and screaming into the harsh and unyielding real world.

Some of us are fortunate enough to delay the death sentence by signing onto graduate programs, but this is only a dilatory tactic. In the end, doom comes gunning for us all.

It is in that spirit that I present perhaps the most honest graduation advice I have come across, courtesy of a genius who calls himself Big Daddy Drew. It's not David Foster Wallace, but it speaks the truth. An excerpt:

I had to wake up early every day. Then, my body got used to waking up early every day, so it just woke the fuck right up at the same time on weekends, too. "But Body," I said to my big fat body, "There's nothing to fucking do, and I wanna sleep more." But my body wouldn't have it. Then I got married. Then I had kids. And holy shit, do kids wake up early. Not only does my kid come storming into the room at 6AM, but she screams WAKE UP at the top of her lungs every damn time. Having a kid is just like having a really mean spinning instructor. They give no fucking quarter. They're like tiny little Hitlers.

So yes, the future looks more bleak than a Springsteen song. But at least now you know. And knowing is half the battle.