Bender Like Murtaugh

I am alive. Barely. Thank you to all who have written in with concern.

At this point, my body is composed roughly of 50 percent beer, 30 percent whiskey, and 20 percent bacon cheeseburgers. And 100 percent pain.

In a recent episode of How I Met Your Mother, we were presented with something called "The Murtaugh List." Murtaugh, from the Lethal Weapon movies, was known for saying, "I'm too old for this sh*t." The Murtaugh list is a collection of activities (i.e. going to a rave, eating an entire pizza in one sitting, beer bongs) that, in our advanced age, we are too old to do.

What qualifies? Basically anything that, once done, leaves you no recourse but to slump on your couch, wish for death, and whisper in a cracked voice, "I'm too old for this sh*t."

I think we can safely add the multi-day bender to the list. Good Lord.

I will resume regular blogging shortly, as soon as everything stops hurting. I will now call my mother, wish her a Happy Mother's Day, and try to explain to her why my voice sounds like Lindsay Lohan after a week in Cancun.