You're So Money

Like all good times, the experience in Vegas is less a linear storyline and more of a scattershot collection of images where you can only tell what happened before what because of the shirt you're wearing. And sometimes not even then. So in the spirit of that, and because I couldn't present a coherent narrative of these if my life depended on it, here's a collection of thoughts about the Vegas weekend:

1. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

2. Every time I saw a single mother, I thought of Marc.

3. Anything more than three days in Vegas is just stupid. Just three days and I feel like one of those geese that flew into the engines of the plane that landed in the Hudson. I'm still limping even though I suffered no physical injuries.

4. Food comas can become fatal. And meatsweats could drown a small child.

5. Why on Earth would you bring your kids to Vegas? That's like bringing your wife to the strip club.

6. All of us, at some point, failed to remember our room number. One of us, in fact, spent a good hour looking for our room in the wrong hotel.

7. Having too many people to a room sometimes results in trouble when trying to figure out who gets what bed and which couch and when. In Vegas, however, that is not a problem, since you can sleep in shifts.

8. Gambling story number one. Six people sitting at a blackjack table. Dealer hands out first cards. Every single one of us -- all of us -- has an ace. We all woop and holler. And then, in the biggest disappointment since seeing Catherin Zeta-Jones naked in a movie, dealer hands out the second cards and every single person gets a five or six. So now a table full of aces is all sitting on soft 15s and 16s. Then dealer turns over a six. What can you do? Only thing you can do. We all double down. Dealer hands out every single card face down. Then he turns over his own second card. A two. So he's at 8. Eff me. Then he draws a third card. A three to make it 11. THE HORROR. Then he draws, God bless America, a four. Joy. Then a ten. Bust. Jubilation. The scenic route, but it works. Hugs, High Fives and general merriment. Then he turns over our face-down third cards. And wouldn't you know it. Five tens and one nine. Such is Vegas.

9. The bathtub in our room could have easily fit three people. Not two. Three.

10. The food in Vegas is spectacular.

11. Sign of the depression: There were tables at the Wynn for ten dollars. That's like finding out Michael Jordan actually wears Hanes undershirts. Seriously. Last time I was in Vegas a year-and-a-half ago, their cheapest table was fifty. This depressed the hell out of me. In good news, however, I now know what a Wynn chip looks like. They're incredibly simple and elegant and are made from the bones of fromerly distressed gamblers.

12. Gambling story number two. Sitting at Bellagio, just three of us at a 10 dollar table, doing very well. In comes in cougar lady and sits at sixth seat. She pulls out five hundreds and lays them all on the table. Dealer starts counting out chips and she stops him and says one. One chip?? we all ask, flabbergasted. She nods. Dealer gives her five hundy chip. She puts it down. And wouldn't you know it. Ace. Ten. $750 profit and she just smiles. Such is Vegas.

13. There's nothing sadder than yakking up a hundred-dollar dinner. (This was not me). But, in his words, "It was so good, I had to taste it twice."

14. A Kobe beef burger is probably the first thing they give you in heaven. As an appetizer before the prime rib. You can handle this because this is heaven and you can't get fat or have (another) heart attack.

15. There should be a special circle of hell reserved for the guy at the blackjack table who, every time he gets something that is not a face card, sighs heavily, or says "of course," or "makes sense" or some other totally useless, woe-is-me, karma-killing comment. And, in that circle of hell, he always gets 16.

16. I'm convinced that every eighth drink they bring you is just coke. They can tell.

17. Pete Rose's new day job is to sign autographs for 50 dollars at the forum shops at Caesar's. It's the most depressing thing in the world. I've been going to Vegas for three years and he's always -- always -- there in the same stupid little white baseball cap, signing autographs, glancing at his watch a lot, enduring the "Hall-of-Famer!" heckles of drunk frat boys. I wouldn't wish that fate on A-Rod. . . OK. That's kind of a lie.

18. Saying, "Vegas, Baby! Vegas!" never gets old.

19. Cougars are endlessly amusing.

20. I don't think I've ever been this exhausted in my life. In fact, I don't know if I'll ever be not exhausted again. Yet I'd go back tomorrow if I could.

21. Let's just say chanting "Let's Go Red!" never felt better or yielded better results.