Twenty Five Things About Me

1. I would gladly stab the person sitting next to me for a slice of cake.

2. My dad and I both agree that you cannot trust a man who does not drink.

3. I aim to be the second foreign-born president, after Arnold. I will probably also be the last.

4. Prison food is surprisingly tasty.

5. Marriage is simultaneously my greatest fear and my most pressing necessity.

6. Never EVER look in my closet, behind the suits.

7. Everything I drink, I chug. This has proven a problem with hot chocolate.

8. I had nothing to do with the fire at the Monte Carlo.

9. You can't undo the harm done by a bullet. If you immediately regret the decision, all you can do is hope you missed.

10. If it ain't broke, I stay away from it.

11. A man should face his own death in a suit.

12. The drug trade ain't what it used to be.

13. I regard Cornell as one would an amazing girlfriend who died. You miss her like hell and remember all the good times, but you can never have her back. All you can do is go to the graveyard and ponder.

14. My iPhone background features a steak. It's a prime rib, medium rare, and weighs as much as a new-born baby.

15. The best place to hide a knife is on the side of your shin. Alternately, if you're planning to get caught, place a smaller knife in the back of your jacket collar, facing down.

16. My favorite city in America is Las Vegas. Therefore, I can never live there.

17. My kids will be named Jack and Daniel. My hope is my wife doesn't notice until it is too late.

18. The Mexican mafia is quite underrated.

19. I make a mean whiskey and coke. The trick? Half and half.

20. At a certain point, I cut the middleman and drink straight out of the pitcher.

21. I'm going to give my kids to my mother to raise until they're 12 or 14 years old and can play baseball and drink.

22. I think heaven is one huge muffin. And when you die, you get baked into the muffin. But you don't die. You just eat muffin for eternity.

23. My body probably really hates me.

24. That policeman fired first.

25. I'd say a good half of these are true. Probably more.