A-Roid

This is the week heroes fell.

First, that big, dopey douchebag who won all those medals ruined everything -- including Christmas -- forever. Watching people swim in the Olympics will never be the same. Michael Phelps was my hero. My hero. Why did he do that? You come out with stink like that. Poop. You poopmouth, with poop out of your mouth.

(Runs away crying)

And then Christian Bale. He seemed like such a nice boy, especially when I first saw him in American Psycho. The fact that the guy who plays Batman would have a RAGE BLACKOUT is shocking to me, and I don't know if I'll ever want to be Batman when I grow up again.

Most shocking, saddening, and goddamned devastating of all is the fact that A-Rod, the most beloved figure in baseball, was cutting gym and hanging out with Canseco, McGwire, and the rest of those meatheads in the parking lot.

Ok, let's get real here. Most, if not all, baseball fans regard A-Rod much like prisoners regard the warden-- a smarmy ass, out-of-touch and insufferable, who is probably necessary, and yeah I guess it's good that he's there, but don't you just want to punch him in the mouth? Just one good smack, right through the front teeth. Wouldn't that feel awesome? God!

So yes, there's some degree of schadenfreude. I mean, we all hate A-Rod (remember this?). Especially -- and tragically -- Yankee fans. And now he's gone and joined that list of people who won't ever get into the hall of fame. The fact that he was the one who was supposed to erase Bonds and make everything right again while we all cheered half-heartedly and pretended to be happy only adds to the story, with Jayson Stark weeping, "All we needed was a hero and look! We have nothing!" while wearing sackcloth and ashes.

But people need to make their peace with this. Paul Byrd did steroids. John Rocker too. And Clemens and Pettite and Bonds and your mom all did steroids. Half the people in baseball did steroids. Eventually, more names will come out, and they will break your heart. One day steroids will be linked to someone we actually like -- a Maddux or a Pujols or a Rich Garces -- and we'll have to deal with that.

Steroids are like an STD. They're there, they happened, and there's not a damned thing you or me or anyone can do about it. I'm not saying pretend it never happened, because that's just stupid. The outbreak's right there, and you have to deal with it. And you can rend your garments and weep and wonder what might have been, but it won't change a thing. It's there and it's forever and you better buy some lotion and make your peace with it, 'cause sucker's only going to get worse.

All you can do is, next time, make sure to wear a rubber.