The Pancake Theory

I think this is my original theory. That said, it sounds like something Bill Simmons wrote, and I’m afraid of plagiarizing.

I have asked several friends and googled it, but can’t find any evidence that Simmons originated this. So I am going to assume that the theory is my own. Should I be wrong, as I often am, let me know.

In any case, today you can get free pancakes at iHop. This sounds like terrific news. But my theory says it isn’t

Ladies and gentlemen, the pancake theory:

When you first sit down at a diner, and order pancakes, you’re thinking, “Man, pancakes are awesome. I love pancakes! Why don’t we eat pancakes every day? I should effin shower in pancakes.” And so on.

But then, when you’re halfway done with the pancakes, your thinking is, “God, this is a lot of pancakes."

At about the 2/3 or 4/5 mark, you look kind of green, and are eating slowly, and are staring at the pancakes like they’re crying babies at the movies. Your thought: “I’m really getting kind of sick of pancakes.”

And, of course, when you’re done with the pancakes, you never want to have any again. You’re staggering and miserable and your thought is, “Pancakes really effin suck.”

Like all theories, this can apply to many things. Some that come immediately to mind are: Hours spent at a strip club. Pitchers of Guinness. Nights in Vegas. Weeks spent at home. Etc.

So, no, I’m not going to get free pancakes. Not sober, at least.