Panic! at the Everywhere!

Imagine that there’s a little kid, with a bag of crap, trying to throw it and hit a huge fan. Problem is, the fan is way the heck up there and out of reach. Which is great because, honestly, even though you’re kind of intrigued to see what will happen, nobody wants to see that bag of crap hit the fan. But the kid keeps trying. He keeps lobbing that bag up there, wanting to hit the fan. He tries with all his might, but he still can’t hit the fan. When it looks like he’s actually going to hit the fan, up comes daddy with a tennis racquet to keep the bag of crap from hitting the fan.

And yet it seems that today, Monday, September 29, daddy missed and now the shit has finally hit the fan.

We don't need to panic. Yet. (Prods with toe). Oh man. (Keeps Prodding). Oh no. (Grabs stick. Actually Pokes). Crap, guys, I think the market is dead. I think we killed it.

What to do?

NOBODY PANIC. EVERYONE NEEDS TO KEEP THEIR COMPOSURE. WE CAN’T HAVE ANYBODY FREAK OUT RIGHT NOW. WE HAVE TO KEEP IT TOGETHER!

(Deep breath)

IT’S NOT WORKING! OHMYGOD THE MARKET IS DEAD, GUYS! WE KILLED THE MARKET! PANIC! EVERYBODY PANIC! SCREAM! THERE’S NO TIME TO SAVE YOUR WOMEN AND CHILDREN! EVERYONE GET OFF THE BOAT! GET OFF THE BOAT! AND WHY THE BLAZES IS THE BAND STILL PLAYING?



So the world as we know it is likely over. What does this mean?

We, as a society, will soon become lawless. Ironically, lawyers, who make their living mostly by figuring out ways to make the law not apply to their clients, will lose their relevancy when they get their wish and the laws finally apply to no one.

Rapidly obsolete, and with no actual life or survival skills, the future for us looks bleak. Society faces imminent collapse, and nobody knows where this will go. Perhaps we will revert to the barter system. In that case, we could trade for food. But what will we trade? Neckties? God knows you can’t eat Brooks Brothers. In this brave new world, all lawyers have is the “ability” to distinguish proximate cause from factual cause and a closet full of shiny nooses.

So I’m afraid there’s not much left but to resort to cannibalism. In that case, I suggest we eat the skinny ones first. The fat ones will last longer.