Crusin' for a Boozin'

There are three reasons I consider the yearly law school booze cruise a success.

1. The boat did not sink. If you think that fights for elevator space in the Tower of Terror are nasty, imagine hordes of law students fighting for a spot in a life boat. I guarantee you that, if the Titanic had gone down today, lawyers for Leonardo DiCaprio's estate would have found a way to either press manslaughter charges on Rose or sue her for wrongful death.

2. No one was thrown off the boat. Several candidates made a case for walking the plank, but my attorneys advised me that this could be construed as attempted murder, in the case of those who can swim, and, well, plain old murder in the case of those who can't. And, although we also might have been close to international waters or, as Homer Simpson put it, "the land that law forgot," having every hand on deck was probably the correct decision. This is probably for the best, since yelling "Man overboard!" is a special occasion, best left to headline next year's booze cruise, which will also be the last. Also, not tossing someone in the drink helps assure that next year will have a booze cruise.

3. They did not turn the boat around. I hear rumors that there was a close call due to unspecified circumstances. Thankfully, the sky showed no sign of flares, and no distress signals were sounded. Sending the boat back would also surely be an overreaction, would it not? Isn't that what the brig is for? Let's say you're at a wedding, OK? And the bride managed not to cry, and nobody's boob fell out, and you made it through the ceremony without throwing up, and everything is going swimmingly, but then Uncle Jack gets up and his toast involves seven different curses you've never heard before, ever, and oh my god, is he trying to throw cake at the groom? What happens then? YOU DO NOT CANCEL THE WEDDING! You grab Uncle Jim and Uncle Charlie and you forcibly remove Uncle Jack from the floor and tie and gag him in the basement, making sure to check on him periodically to make sure Uncle Jack will be regretting his actions tomorrow. One minor incident doesn't mean things need to escalate quickly... excuse me one second ... Uncle Jack is what?