What a Game, Old Sport

Just when I thought I'd spend Valentine's Day sobbing without the embrace of true love, the internets go and bring us this:

The Great Gatsby: The Video Game.

Yes, really. Someone once made a video game for this for the old NES. And if awesomeness was currency, this game would be Warren Buffet.

My favorite things, in no particular order:

a. In the very first level, you, playing as Nick Carraway, must travel through Gatsby's West Egg mansion and kill ornery caterers and drunk party guests doing the mashed potato on the fountains. You accomplish this by throwing what I believe is your hat at them.

b. It gets better. In the second level, you find yourself on top of a LIRR train, fighting escaped convicts.

c. And it keeps going. The boss of that level is (wait for it) THE EYES OF DR T.J. ECKLEBURG! And they shoot lasers at you! I know!

d. To power-up, you must drink martinis. Also, every once in a while you find a golden hat, and when you grab that, you turn into a Gold Suit wearing pimp who oozes swag.

e. The random pixelated cut scenes where Gatsby stretches out his arm for the green light at the end of the pier and promptly is abducted by what I imagine are aliens. Also, you get to see Daisy weeping over the shirts, if you're into that kind of thing.

f. When you find Gatsby, he tells you, "Good job, Old Sport." And his teeth gleam.

g. At some point you have to fight Meyer Wolfsheim, who does not throw those cufflinks made out of teeth at you. No, instead he -- and this is the best thing ever -- brings out the entire roster of the 1919 Black Sox to kill you with their bats. (!) (!!!!!) (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

h. Other enemies include sewer alligators, dancing hobos, crabs, and the ghosts of German soldiers. Perhaps shockingly, you never fight Tom Buchanan.

I suppose that, solely for the mob connections, making a video game out of The Great Gatsby is not so far-fetched. If anything, it's a safer play than, say, Lolita, or Waiting for Godot.

It's safe to say, though, that this is the best video game adapted from an F. Scott Fitzgerald book ever.