Hill-J-ell Date

We've all been to alumni events where the coordinators in charge of asking for gifts try to appeal to our generous spirit. They use many tricks strategies to get at our wallets. And these strategies are on a sliding scale of effectiveness, from its topmost setting of free top shelf drinks down to free beer down to free swag down to everything else.

But why nobody ever thought of handing out free dates is beyond me.

This year, the geniuses at Cornell Hillel have come up with a bold new project. You donate some money, and they'll hook you up.

Quite literally. They'll set you up with a fellow member of Hillel. Or, in their own words, "imagine the possibilities as you wait to be paired on a date." Although the lawyer part of me insists that all they promise you is a waiting period wherein you can fantasize about a potential future date, I'm sure they'll actually find someone to awkwardly introduce to you.

So fear not, affluent Jews from the tri-state area! If you have failed to find a match while you were at Cornell, or when you went to visit your friends at Penn, or even now that you have moved to Murray Hill, Hillel is here to find your better half for you.

It's a bold strategy. On the one hand, getting a date is probably better than getting yet another key chain. Or one of those (sic) "Lynah Fateful" pins. Maybe not better than a beer coozy -- those are useful indeed -- but it is nice to see an organization step up its swag.

On the other hand, putting the horrifying word "blind" together with the terrifying "date" creates a molecular globule of pure and utter petrifying ghastliness to make the blood run as cold as our current Worst Winter Ever.

I'm not saying a Blind Date is the worst thing in the world. But if Open and Bar are the two greatest words in the English language, then Blind and Date are the complete opposite of that.

That said, I have nothing to do this Thursday, an extra ten dollars, and JDate won't have me. Something about not being among The Chosen.

But not everyone knows this.

Hmm.