Of Nukes and Dates

A few months ago, I met a girl for drinks. And twenty minutes into the conversation, out of nowhere, she asks me the following question:

"What's your favorite type of cat?"

I was reminded of that awful, mind-boggling moment when I came across this article that has been roaming around the internet for a few days. It's about the best questions to ask on a first date, but the premise is misleading. Instead of telling you which questions would open up your date and make her comfortable, it tells you which questions to ask if you want to find out if your date is up for getting it in that very same night without having to resort to the always awkward and usually futile strategy of flat out asking her.

So yes, if you look at it that way, those are the best questions to ask.

According to this thing, there is a strong correlation between people who like the taste of beer and people who are willing to dance the horizontal mambo on the first date. So what do you do? You ask her if she likes beer. If she says yes, SCORE! If she says no, well, you better change that drink order.

As the article says, "sadly, this is the only meaningful correlation for women." So no other questions we can ask them will imply that she might entertain the thought.

But what about men? Apparently, there are questions you can ask men that have an even stronger correlation with "willing to bone tonight" than "do you like the taste of beer?" And these are:

In a certain light, wouldn't nuclear war be exciting?

Assuming you were in the position to do so, would you launch nuclear weapons under any circumstances?

Could you imagine yourself killing someone?

There you have it, ladies! Nuclear war is the ultimate aphrodisiac, especially when we get to take the football and nuke the world three times over! Michelle Obama, you are one lucky lady.

But that's where this survey lost me. Because it implies that there are men out there who would say no to having sex on a first date. And that's the biggest load of horse manure since the Augean Stables.

OF COURSE we want to have sex on the first date. Why on earth wouldn't we? Yes, dates are good for getting to know someone and having a conversation and seeing if there might be something there and maybe starting that meaningful walk down Relationship Lane.

But let's tell truths here. When you take someone out, a big factor is that maybe, just maybe, she lets you see her naked. It's not the only factor -- we're way past the frat boy stage now. But it is what it is. Which, I guess, is what frat boys says. You know what I mean.

I'll admit there are times when a guy takes a girl out and he doesn't want to sleep with her. Maybe he's not attracted or maybe when he went back to her apartment she lived with five cats. These are perfectly legitimate reasons to pack up your balls and go home.

But if a guy tells you, "You know, not tonight. Maybe we should wait until the third date," there's something going on. Either he's lying or he's setting you up for something -- God knows what. My strategic foresight cannot fathom such a plan. But as your attorney, I would advise you to run.

On the other hand, that sounds like an entertaining long con. You forgo instant gratification for the possibility of better returns in the future. Interesting. And it would drive her crazy.

Hmmm.

(Stares out window and takes a sip of Scotch).