No More Snow, No Mo'

If you are reading this, congratulations! You have survived Snowpocalypse III: Return of the Snowmaggedon.

While I fully accept that I complain about the snow more than most, I have grown rather tired of seeing the following Facebook message template:

[Expression of surprise at existence of snow in February]. [Lamentation and general whining]. [Insincere promise to migrate to warmer climates]. [Emoticon denoting grief].

But honestly, this last superstorm has too much meat to ignore.

Witness, if you will, the following map of the United States. That's an actual, science-given map. And hey, you know what kind of looks exactly like that? The mock-up used in the awful Day After Tomorrow movie! Half the continent has been canceled using nature's White-Out. Good thing people don't live anywhere near there, right?

Oh.

Yesterday, I was making fun of Caitlin because people in Chicago were permanently misplacing their composure over the threat of a mere two feet of snow, whereas here in Boston we were facing our 3,429th two-foot storm of the season and reacting with a tepid shrug.

Now, I take it all back. While two feet of snow may be a "been there, done that" amount, it sure is amplified when all of it comes down in the span of six or seven hours. Imagine the difference between sipping a 40 or having the whole contents of one dumped into a funnel. While the former is frankly inconvenient and best to be avoided, I guarantee you that the latter will bring the wrath of Uncle Ralph all over your now-ruined snowboots.

I mean, look at Brick Tamland, formerly known as a stead 25-year veteran of meteorology, completely spaz out on camera like a five year old who just saw Barney hug a Teletubby:

Loud Noises, indeed.

Or this other video. I don't know what's worse, the authorities looking for survivors amongst cars abandoned on Chicago's main road, or the random coyotes roaming around looking for carrion.

That's right. Coyotes descending on our nation's third biggest city like it's some abandoned outpost in some forgotten wild west ghost town.

So I apologize to you, Caitlin, and to all other residents of the Chicagoland area for underestimating your snowstorm. In the distant future, when the snow melts and brave explorers come upon all of you frozen in blocks of ice, I promise not to make too many Encino Man jokes.

In the meantime, I would like to be the first to welcome our new snowy overlords. You may have taken the White Stripes, and that is an extremely hard sacrifice to make. But perhaps now you will leave us alone.

(Looks at Saturday forecast)

Son of a bitch.