Why, even last week, after I mentioned how [great] Gwyneth looked in her Grammys catsuit, someone told me she was out of my league. So now I must have her. And it'd be going great if she'd only return my calls.
But even with my breathtaking recklessness, I recognize that there are impossible feats in this world. Challenges beyond our powers of achievement. Tests that cannot be bested.
And chief among them is trying to pick up a girl at a bar when you can't drink.
Others have given their two cents on the matter and have come to a similar conclusion. The reasons for this are manifold: it's tougher to break the ice, the gap between drunk people and sober people is at least as wide as the Grand Canyon, etc.
And, honestly, it's this last one that provides the Sisyphean task. For let's say you're not drinking but you're out at a bar and are chatting up this girl and all of a sudden you're at that point where you should offer to buy her a drink. So you do that and you order one drink for her but not one for yourself.
She'll ask you why you're not drinking. And what can you say? You can tell her you're sick and on medicine, but that'll turn her off. You can tell her you're not drinking tonight, but that's lame and will turn her off. Almost any excuse you give her will inevitably turn her off.
(By the way, never tell a girl you're trying to lose weight because this will invariably remind her that she is trying to lose weight, even when she clearly does not need to. Because of this, she will temper her drinking. This, of course, will not only re-raise her standards to their usual, unattainable levels, but it will also clear her mind and lead to prudent decisions and responsible choices. Nobody wants this.)
But I digress. Maybe, just maybe, you're clever enough to come up with some bogus but acceptable reason on the spot. Like, say, "I'd love to have a scotch, but I'm on painkillers because I threw out my back putting up house frames for Habitat for Humanity."
Oh high five? You think that was perfect? You probably think you just turned all of this around, don't you? Now she must want to take care of you, you wonderful, charitable, selfless bastard you.
But but but. There's still that elephant in the room. Because she's drinking and you're not.
So the whole dynamic changes. Maybe one drink is fine, but if you start buying her more, she might think you're trying to get her drunk. Or maybe she does get drunk and then you don't want to take advantage of a drunk girl. Or she becomes self-conscious because she's the only one here drinking and now it's all awkward up in here.
The point is, no matter how cool you try to play it, all these forces conspire against you. Drunks v. sober people is as testy a relationship as the parents v. non-parents, business travelers v. families, and everyone v. teenagers conflicts. It's not insurmountable, but good luck.
And yes, you never turn away from a challenge. But sometimes there's just too much lava coming down the aggro-crag.
But even with my breathtaking recklessness, I recognize that there are impossible feats in this world. Challenges beyond our powers of achievement. Tests that cannot be bested.
And chief among them is trying to pick up a girl at a bar when you can't drink.
Others have given their two cents on the matter and have come to a similar conclusion. The reasons for this are manifold: it's tougher to break the ice, the gap between drunk people and sober people is at least as wide as the Grand Canyon, etc.
And, honestly, it's this last one that provides the Sisyphean task. For let's say you're not drinking but you're out at a bar and are chatting up this girl and all of a sudden you're at that point where you should offer to buy her a drink. So you do that and you order one drink for her but not one for yourself.
She'll ask you why you're not drinking. And what can you say? You can tell her you're sick and on medicine, but that'll turn her off. You can tell her you're not drinking tonight, but that's lame and will turn her off. Almost any excuse you give her will inevitably turn her off.
(By the way, never tell a girl you're trying to lose weight because this will invariably remind her that she is trying to lose weight, even when she clearly does not need to. Because of this, she will temper her drinking. This, of course, will not only re-raise her standards to their usual, unattainable levels, but it will also clear her mind and lead to prudent decisions and responsible choices. Nobody wants this.)
But I digress. Maybe, just maybe, you're clever enough to come up with some bogus but acceptable reason on the spot. Like, say, "I'd love to have a scotch, but I'm on painkillers because I threw out my back putting up house frames for Habitat for Humanity."
Oh high five? You think that was perfect? You probably think you just turned all of this around, don't you? Now she must want to take care of you, you wonderful, charitable, selfless bastard you.
But but but. There's still that elephant in the room. Because she's drinking and you're not.
So the whole dynamic changes. Maybe one drink is fine, but if you start buying her more, she might think you're trying to get her drunk. Or maybe she does get drunk and then you don't want to take advantage of a drunk girl. Or she becomes self-conscious because she's the only one here drinking and now it's all awkward up in here.
The point is, no matter how cool you try to play it, all these forces conspire against you. Drunks v. sober people is as testy a relationship as the parents v. non-parents, business travelers v. families, and everyone v. teenagers conflicts. It's not insurmountable, but good luck.
And yes, you never turn away from a challenge. But sometimes there's just too much lava coming down the aggro-crag.
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