Attack of the Deranged Fun Killer Monster Snow Goons

Chaos on the arts quad yesterday, as Cornell police were summoned to break up a gun fight.

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I'm sorry, that's not what happened. I'm getting word that it was not a gun fight.

Chaos on the arts quad yesterday, as Cornell police were summoned to break up a knife fight.

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It was not a knife fight?

Chaos on the arts quad yesterday, as Cornell police were summoned to break up a rock fight.

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I'm being told that it was also not a rock fight, and being yelled at for not waiting for my producer to finish his sentence before I blurt out speculative misinformation.

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Wait, say that again?

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Snowballs?

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It was a snowball fight?

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They brought in the police force to break up a goddamned snowball fight?

Chaos on the arts quad yesterday, as Cornell police were summoned to break up a snowball fight.

According to reports, "[t]he Cornell University Police Department shut down the second annual 'Epic Snowball Fight on the Arts Quad' Wednesday, apprehending a student, confiscating tin shields and knocking over a six-foot snow penis."

I, for one, would like to commend the authorities in Ithaca from shifting their focus from arresting those who throw awesome parties to breaking up snowball fights.

Overreaction does not even begin to cover this. These are people throwing frozen precipitation at each other.

But, as expected, the fun police would have none of it. According to the CUPD, they received a complaint (presumably from Mr. Wilson or some other such miserable grouch) and decided to intervene, as the fight was “putting both people and property at the potential for injury and damage,” including maybe breaking the windows at Olin.

We have yet to hear from ballistics experts as to the destructive capacity of the weapons involved in the fracas, but a source close to the investigation tells us that, "it looks like they're pretty much just water."

And look. If a kid had bad enough aim to break a window, he's probably getting clobbered by everyone else. Is that not a sufficient punishment?

No word yet on what preparations the police are undertaking for next May's yearly water balloon fight.