Bless Me, iPhone, For I Have Sinned

As an occasionally religious person who periodically dabbles in vices that the church frowns upon, I often cast my eyes skyward, scanning the clouds for a glimpse of the thunderbolt for which I'm sure I'm fated.

Not because I think I can outrun it, but because I want my last words to be something awesome like "I regret nothing" or "Avenge me."

And this hubris, of course, is part of the problem. And perhaps I would be a little more repentant about my failings if I got yelled at by a terrified priest.

(Cut to Anthony Hopkins screaming, "I cast you out!" as he chases me with a crucifix).

The problem is, I haven't been to confession in 26 years. Which, if you're keeping count, is almost when I was born. I was a very naughty baby.

But now, thank God, there is finally an app for that.

The Catholic Church has officially sanctioned and endorsed an iPhone app that will walk you through the ten commandments and help you figure out which ones you've broken. Then, presumably, you take the list to shocked priest, who will then refer you to a superior who tells you gravely that for some people, there is just no hope.

Perfect, right? So I was going to download this app, but then I saw that it cost $1.99. Since I am unaware that there is a toll on the road to heaven, I had not been planning for this.

Briefly, I contemplated my options. If I am going to pay for an app, I better get some use out of it. So I decided to kill someone and steal their iPhone in order to use this app for free. That would give me two whole commandments to play with, and they're the big ones. I'll be damned -- quite literally -- if I pay for an app and am stuck on the pretty unexciting "Don't take the Lord's Name in vain" level.

Ultimately, I decided against getting the app at all. Refusing to know which sins I've committed, I figured, would be much like refusing to go to the doctor. Frankly, there are some things I'd rather not know. To be blissfully ignorant is to be truly content.

Plus, I know I'd just start playing Angry Birds somewhere around the second "Hail Mary."

...

Does it smell a little like sulfur or is it just me?