Thursday, November 20, 2008

They Call Me Mellow Gmail

What the hell?

I actually do some work for a minute, and then, when I check back on my email, Gmail looks like it went to college, found Marx, and turned into Wavy Gravy.

My first thought, of course, was the mushrooms are turning on me!

After the initial panic, I took a deep breath. There must be some explanation. You know how, when the lights go out, the first thing everyone does is go press their noses against the window in the hope that, gee, maybe I'm not the only poor bastard who lost his electricity?

Well, that applied here. I asked around, and reports of this phenomenon abound. Around the world, millions of Gmail accounts decided to go to Krusty the Klown Kollege and roll around in their face paint.

That, at least, is the only conceivable explanation as to why this formerly understated, elegant, white and blue interface suddenly listened to "Colors of the Wind," decided it would be a great mandate, and proceeded to disregard the mental safety and well-being of dozens of epileptics.

Perhaps I exaggerate. Some of these themes aren't so bad. Maybe you don't like "Blue." Maybe you like "New Blue." We all have our things.

But then, why on Earth would you choose a theme like "Terminal"? Look at this thing. Look!

Ooooh, look! It's retro! Like a computer from the 1920s! So vintage!

Why do you think nobody used computers in the 20s? No, it was not the depression. It was because they looked like that. Nobody enjoys looking at that. It's like looking at Roseanne and Tom Arnold be intimate together. Those tiny screams you hear are the result the cones and rods in your eyes shutting down, as the workers within them take their own lives.

Meanwhile, all I want to do is keep refreshing my email to see if the deposed emperor of Senelawi has finally gotten around to sending me my compensation. Is that too much to ask?

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