Oh, What a Tangled Knot we Weave!

I’ve heard many rumblings that, just like Kennedy brought the two-button suit into the forefront of American fashion, Obama is about to make not wearing a tie OK for formal wear.

I just want to join the thousands of devastated tie-makers across this great country and in the Italian peninsula, and politely ask President-elect Obama: “Just what the fudge are you thinking??!?”

I’m of the firm belief that, more than intelligence, character or shoes, the only way you can adequately judge someone is by how they tie their tie.

If it’s too long, it’s a problem. I’ve seen people walk around with their tie hanging all the way to the middle of their zipper. I always want to go to them and ask whether, when they pee, do they pee on their tie.

But they’re better than those who short it. You’ve seen them, sauntering around with a tie that comes midway down the shirt. They always look like babies wearing a bib, and why's that? Because short ties make you look fat. Look at the guy. He looks like he really likes cake. Afterwards, he probably wipes his mouth with his tie, likely because he confuses it with his bib.

And then, of course, is the knot. Here's a handy guide on how to tie them. Sloppy knots are easily preventable. And they're like an unzipped zipper, or open garage door, if you will. You see some guys with a knot that looks like, well, like they used the same knot you use to tie a shoelace. It's like not knowing how to parallel park. Or unsnap a bra with one hand. There's really no excuse.

So, in the interest of maintaining a simple and effective way of separating the men from the boys, I urge you, President-elect Obama, to not take us down the tie-less road. I mean, God forbid we actually judge a man by the content of their character.