Hunting for Cougars

I have always wanted to be a star. This, however, has proven difficult.

To this end, I have attempted to be on many television shows, including but not limited to, Survivor, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Littlest Groom, Who Wants to Marry a Non-Citizen, and, of course, that Flavor Flab (sp?) show.

Perhaps the closest I ever came was when MTV approached The Sun with the intention of making a show about what happened at a daily college newspaper. They wanted to bring their cameras into our vaunted offices at 139 W. Street and tell our story, about what happens when we stopped being polite, and started being, you know, real.

This could have been terrific. Working at the paper was great. The three hour flip cup marathons at the Palms. Intentionally pushing Schroeder into a nervous breakdown. The hammer fights. These would have all made for compelling television. And, with that cast of characters, surely we would become the greatest ensemble in Television since Springfield was founded.

Alas, it was not to be. Our boss, in what was probably the correct decision, turned down the MTV producers (who then went for this) and shattered my dream of meeting future-soulmate Trishelle at the next [whatever that show on MTV is called where the reality TV "stars" compete with each other].

This summer, I was approached in a bar and asked to try out for "Bromance."

"That... sounds kind of weird," I replied.

Then they said that it wasn't what it sounded like, and that, basically, I'd join other bros in a mansion in LA, where we would have "bro competitions."

"And what does the winning bro get?" I asked.

"The winning bro gets to be Brody Jenner's new BFF, and be a part of his entourage."

"Who?"

"Brody Jenner? From The Hills?"

(Blank Stare).

"OK, thank you for your time."

As good a bro as I might have been, I'm kind of glad I had no frickin idea what that guy was talking about. Why? Because it freed me up my schedule and I can now try out for this!

That's right, I get to go hunt cougars. Or maybe the cougars hunt me. I don't know. Maybe it's some sort of mutual hunt, where both parties are the hunter and the hunted. You know, like that old Looney Tunes bit where they're in an opera and Elmer Fudd is hunting the wabbit, and he has a speaw and magic hew-met, but the wabbit dresses up as an blonde Norse lady and chases after him too, and they fall in love, but then Elmer Fudd's lightning powers go berserk, and the whole thing becomes a Greek tragedy and there's nothing more disturbing than Elmer Fudd sobbing over a dead Bugs Bunny and ... never mind. I really hope this show is nothing like that at all.

The point is, this cougar hunt is perfect for me. Aside from the obvious utilitarian advantages (Cougars in their forties are desperate to marry anyone who is semi-literate. As someone who can write but not read, all I can say is, Hellooooo, Green Card!), I can finally put aside this lawyering thing and pursue my dream of ultimate TV stardom.

Picture it. A dashing young man and an attractive older woman in a restaurant, talking about Flaubert while smashing tequila shots. The title card underneath: Charlie, Ohio, Refugee. And then the man leans in, grins, and asks, "So... Kitty got claws?"

And. Scene. Tell me, shouldn't that man be a star?