Roommate Without a Cause

It’s that time of year again, so is anyone out there looking for a roommate? If so, I’ve found the perfect guy. He’s a little quirky, perhaps even eccentric, but with some patience and understanding, he could be a swell Joey to your Chandler.

These aren’t unreasonable requests, are they?

I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that company is coming - I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved.

No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?)

This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.

And, of course:

You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I've tried this with housemates who've promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time.

I'm aware that this is an old listing, but I have no doubt that this guy must be looking for roommates every two or three weeks.

I'm tempted to call just to get to talk to this guy, who will "have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests." This handbook may be the funniest thing ever published.

And may God help you if you don't completely screw in the toothpaste cap.