Far Above Cayuga's Douches

When I got the new issue of GQ in the mail and saw that they had a feature called "America's 25 Douchiest Colleges," (It's actually characterized as "America's Most Obnoxious Colleges" on the cover) I absolutely knew that Cornell would make the list. I knew it the way a sailor will know when a squall is approaching -- with certainty and conviction in the face of sure doom.

After all, few colleges can boast the Douche trifecta -- the fact that Keith Olbermann, Ann Coulter and Bill Maher are at their most relevant notorious today, and have each attained such a Platonic ideal of douchiness, and all hail from the same college, is almost too good to be true. It is a perfect storm, and few endeavors in human history can boast such a serendipitous and motley crew and have the misfortune of producing such luminaries that so tirelessly excel in the quest for never-ending douchiness. They are the Holy Trinity of douchedom, and Cornell is their Nazareth.

Add to that number Andy Bernard '90, with his rage problems and unfortunate proclivity for a capella, and I couldn't help but know that Cornell was a top three school, for once in its existence.

But then, as I flipped the pages, nary a mention was found. Virginia, Vassar, even the University of Phoenix which tries to recruit freshmen amongst people with graduate degrees. But Cornell? Not there.

VICTORY!

It is actually difficult to argue with the top four. Princeton and Harvard make so much sense, it's like naming the top ten apostles and leaving out Luke and Peter. The upset, I guess, is that Duke is not number one, and has vacated its pre-season ranking in favor of Brown. Brown wins because it does not have grades, which is a good reason. But spend ten minutes in a bar with a Duke undergrad and then tell me this list is an accurate representation.

In the end, perhaps it's for the best that Cornell failed to make this list. Now I can stop popping my collar and saying, "I guess you went to Corn-not!" while smirking and dismissively waving my hand. Now I can wear my class ring because it helps in fighting, not because it aids in boasting. I can stop hating Cornell College for their usurpation. Liberated of expectations, I am at long last free.

Who's going to the wine tasting tonight, by the way?