This weekend we got an email from the law school dean. The subject?
"Come to a Program on How to Start your own Law Firm!"
So it has come to this.
I cannot think of a more terrifying email subject, other than "Urgent Message from Planned Parenthood!"
Because I am kind of frozen with fear and cannot think of another alternative, let's break the email down, FJM style.
Dear 3Ls:
I hope you are having a good summer!
... because I'm about to terrify the living crap out of you!
I am writing to invite you to a program (no charge) on Monday, August 17, 1-4 pm at the Law School in Barristers Hall on "The Keys To Starting and Building A Successful Law Practice."
The event is free much like Scientology brochures are free.
In this changing legal market, more BU Law grads and other attorneys are starting their own practices, either soon after graduation or, increasingly, a few years after graduation.
Translation: Imagine a pit of hell wherein demons stab you with flaming pitchforks, and you tear all those who surround you to pieces just so you can be pierced by the red-hot tines instead of the white-hot tines. The current job market is worse than that. It would terrify Virgil.
Indeed, at our alumni reunions last year, several recent graduates had started their own firms or were thinking about doing that.
Translation: Unfortunately, our reunions have turned into impromptu job fairs where everyone waves a resume with nary a booth in sight. Recent graduates, most of whom no longer have jobs, have been forced to these desperate measures. What they call "starting a new law firm" is them giving pro bono advice to their friend Zach, who called them at three in the morning because he's pretty sure the blood on his shirt is not his.
Many we have spoken with like the flexibility this brings.
Have you ever walked past a restaurant, and it sits empty, except for the forlorn owner/chef who sits at a desk and stares desperately at the door while gulping a bottle of wine? He has ample flexibility as to which bottle of wine he chooses on any given night. This is the kind of flexibility you will enjoy! Except you won't be able to afford wine bottles. Perhaps not even wine boxes.
We've put together a great panel of experts who will discuss the keys to starting a firm;
The experts may or may not discuss how the key to starting a firm is knowing what on earth you're doing. Pretty much everyone I have talked to had no clue what on Earth they were doing when they began their work this summer. We were more clueless than Americans on Japanese game shows, just smiling and hoping nobody would ask a tough question, always aware that a giant foam hammer was about to hit you in the face.
critical technologies to buy on a budget;
If we told you how much Westlaw searches cost, you would burst into tears.
current and affordable marketing techniques;
The number of people who would want to be represented by kids just out of law school is a number no greater than zero. Therefore, they will teach you how to convince your friends that you can definitely handle their manslaughter trial. Yep, no problem. Easiest thing in the world.
effective time management;
Things you can do while waiting for the phone to ring, like checking your email, playing chess by mail, and conducting a heavily researched study of how many times you can bend a binder clip before it wears thin and finally snaps in half.
and how to handle some stresses that come with being your own boss.
Boy, my inner worker sure is going to hate it when he finds out my inner boss can't pay him this week. Talk about your internal conflict!
**If you can attend please email me by August 10, 2009.** We'll have light refreshments. We hope you can take advantage of this program!
We also hope you got through this email without throwing up from fear! The light refreshments are because this is probably the last time you will ever eat.
The title of this post is the superlative I earned in college. I always thought it was a joke and now it turns out that it was a prophecy.
May God have mercy on us all.
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