Apocalypse How

According to Slate, I am a “bloodthirsty misanthrope” who thinks mankind is stupid and will destroy itself in a sputtering miasma of nuclear explosions, asteroids, and unmanageable climate catastrophes.

Slate has a new feature up on its website wherein you can “Choose your own Apocalypse.” It is exactly what it sounds like, and does actually resemble the series of books we all used to love as kids. Except, instead of escaping the evil carnival, we try to escape the end of the world as we know it. Unlike the books, no possible chain of choices leads to safety. In this game, it is always The End.

The impetus for the feature lies in this article that attempts to describe how America will end and separate into a handful of countries that includes Pacifica, New Columbia, the Gulf and Southern Federation and the People's Kingdom of Hawaii, among others. Of course, America is a strong country, and can survive single blows like drought, the collapse of Mexico, or an alien invasion. However, odds are that these and other “blows” – cataclysmic events, really – will all strike in rapid succession, pummeling America until it disintegrates and ceases to exist.

Here’s an example of a series of events that could shatter America as provided by an expert:

“[R]ising sea levels, a collapse of entitlement programs, an attack by a foreign power on American soil, a pandemic 10 times worse than the 1918 flu, global domination by a space-faring nation that uses geo-engineering to "turn off" climate change, and the emergence of a transnational class of biologically enhanced supermen and women ("They're all about 6-2—and that's the girls," Schwartz says) who identify more with one another than with any particular nation.”

For apocalypse-enthusiasts, this is a gold mine, especially if it involves Death by Snoo-Snoo. Further reading includes a “Long Crisis” scenario written by the Institute for the Future's Ten-Year Forecast Program.” Despite a name that would make Huxley cringe, it is a frighteningly plausible projection.

The real fun, however, lies in its “Choose Your Own Apocalypse” generator. Here, you can choose up to five events from a list of 144, and then see if the confluence of your catastrophes is enough to render mankind extinct.

The list of 144 includes:

Russia hits the button (The explanation charitably calls the launch “a mistake”)
Decadence
The Rapture
2012
Alien Invasion
New Madrid Earthquake (This is in America)
The Matrix
Voluntary Human Extinction
Neo-Humans
The “Bubba” Effect (“Bubbas,” led by Glenn Beck, revolt)
Bottled Water
Theocracy
Corporate Takeover
Rods from God (mini-weapons sent from space)

And the best one:

Gray Goo (Nanorobots that uncontrollably self-replicate until they cover the entire Earth)

The way I see it, a loose nuclear weapon will be detonated in Southern Asia. India and Pakistan will overreact and destroy each other with nuclear weapons, sending up clouds of dust and nuclear waste into the sky. This cloud of waste will prevent us from noticing the incoming asteroid, which will destroy 90 percent of life on Earth. The remaining humans will break up into mercenary armies, which will proceed to kill each other off until only a handful of poor bastards are left. Unfortunately, these poor bastards will be hunted for sport by the robot overlords that now rule the Earth, until none are left, except for me and Heidi Klum.

You know what? There are worse ways to go. Now who has a loose nuke?