Wiki Leakage

Now that everybody in the U.S. State Department is screaming and turning cartwheels over the Wikileaks, I'd like to come in with my 26-years of wisdom and knowledge to offer some perspective.

(Adjusts tie)

Look. We all understand why you're upset. Nobody likes to have their skidmarked underwear flapping proudly in the breeze. And while the unmasking of sources and diplomats in a way that endangers them is a legitimate concern, let's remember the following: If there's anyone in the world who loves to listen to others who think they're speaking privately, it's the U.S. government.

Also, the feds would do well to heed its own aphorism, which I believe was that, "If you've done nothing wrong, then you have nothing to worry about." And then they put on the plastic gloves, but we'll ignore that.

Here's the thing. I've gone through a lot of these leaked documents (yay, underemployment) and there's nothing blindingly awful in them. If they unearthed a memo about how to bomb Canada (and we know that there's a memo like that somewhere), we might have legitimate cause for concern.

But most of these are badly kept secrets. Trading Guantanamo prisoners for Obama visits? Saying that Israel and Iran have considered bombing the crap out of each other? That those super advanced bombs aren't actually from Yemen? That things in North Korea are really, really odd and we have no idea who's head rooster up there? That Sarkozy is thin-skinned? That Berlusconi is vain? That the two are, obviously, boys?

All old news. If these leaks did anything is that they exposed the undiplomatic side of diplomats. They showed how things get done in the international arena. They confirmed what we all already knew -- that international politics functions in much the same way as a high school cafeteria.

And this is a cafeteria where the slam book just got distributed to all the slamees. If you read the leaked memos, they're mostly gossip. It's what US Weekly would look like if they suddenly refocused their efforts on scoping out obscure African dignitaries. (And I know others came up with this analogy first, but I swear I came up with this incredibly obvious analogy independently).

Reading these is almost like what it would be like if you became privy to all the gchats and emails that were sent during 1L year, where everybody is talking about who is hot and who is crazy and who is hot and crazy and who they would and would not sleep with and who slept with who and who would never sleep with who and who should sleep with who and who should never sleep with who because, honestly, that would be an absolute disaster.

And to the extent where the wikileaks discuss policy and strategy, it is also mentioned on such a broad and general level as to defeat any concerns.

To go back to the 1L classroom gchat analogy, it's basically like reading the following IM:

yo, im going to go to the bathroom and when i do im going to walk past Regina and when i do im going to pretend to trip and on my way down im going to grab her boobs to catch myself lolz

Bad? Yes. The opposite of classy? Of course. Absolutely transparent? No doubt.

Like the bouncer said, it is what it is. This is what happens and everyone who pretends otherwise is living in a fantasy world of unicorns and rainbow cake. It's embarrassing to have everything out there, to be sure. But, please, everybody, drop the self-righteous outrage and stop calling the leaked gossip "worse than a military attack" by "a foreign terrorist organization."

Sooner or later, Medvedev will get over the fact that someone called him the Robin to Putin's Batman and will go back to drafting nuclear treaties that our Congress will conveniently ignore. And everyone will follow suit.

Like the wise man who will be missed said:

"The truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts."