Well, I Guess I Better Put Some Pants On

My initial impression of last night's episode is that it was awesome. Moreover, the show is setting things up like in a chess match. Whether we all say, "Aha! Checkmate!" or sweep the pieces off the board in confusion remains to be seen. But like I said that time we were driving to the strip club, I like where we're going with this.

Ok. That was awkward. Onward.

Locke. Like all Locke episodes, this one was terrific. Terry O'Quinn is neck-and-neck with Michael Emerson (and Josh Holloway lately) for best acting in the series. Locke is a magnificent character, full of complexities. The fact that Terry O'Quinn can play the frustrated and hopeful Locke while at the same time playing evil McSmoke'salot is amazing.

We are, again, getting major hints that the sideways world is nothing like the pre-crash world. In this reality, Sideways Locke seems happier and a little more grounded. Still frustrated, yes. But in this world, he is engaged to Helen. She in turn never left him for his daddy issues. In fact, are there daddy issues? Sideways Helen mentioned Locke's father and there was nary a hint of angst on Locke's face. Maybe in this world, Anthony Cooper wasn't Locke's rotten, no-good, kidney-stealing father. Or maybe he was Locke's father, but he wasn't a world-class douchebag.

Which begs the question: Locke doesn't have any issues concerning his father. So we can assume his father didn't push him out an eighth-story window. So how then, I ask you, did Locke become paralyzed?

As a side note, does this all mean anything as far as Sawyer is concerned? Remember Anthony Cooper is the original Sawyer, so if he isn't a con man in sideways world, does this mean Sideways Sawyer is well-adjusted? Or did he con Sawyer and leave Locke alone?

Also, Sideways Locke became a temp performing as a sex ed teacher. I was initially skeptical about Locke teaching 10th graders about circumcision, but then remembered he does have a suitcase full of knives.

The Locke-ness Monster, meanwhile, was running around the Island gathering his pieces. We'll get to the recruitment down in the Sawyer section, but let's speculate on Fake Locke's nature for a second. He wants to go home (which is where? If the answer is something stupid like Minnesota, I'm going to hurt somebody), and get off the island, but seems to be trapped. Trapped by who? Jacob? They're clearly adversaries, so something here does not compute. Unless, of course, you assume that they are fated to battle each other. At this point, people are mostly expecting a twist wherein Jacob is the bad guy and the Man in Black is not. Me? I think Helen's kind of a MILF. Different people, different levels.

And what of the disappearing ten-year old? I'm going to call him Casper the Friendly Ghost. Alpert couldn't see him, but Sawyer could. I'm going to chalk this up to Sawyer's is-a-candidate-ness. What is curious is that, when giving chase, the Locke-ness Monster did not assume his smokiness, which, as we all know, is wicked fast and could catch Casper quickly. No, he instead gave chase in his now-permanent Locke body -- which is middle-aged and tending to husky. Why? Because he was surprised and forgot to change in his excitement? Not likely. So is it because Casper is a ghost? Because he is a ghost of the young Jacob? Or Aaron? You know how quickly kids grow. Or someone else entirely?

Sawyer. So I'm guessing we should be welcoming Sawyer to the dark side. At this point, it seems fair to assume that there is a huge conflict between Jacob and the Man in Black (if the scale balancing the white stone and the dark stone didn't clue you in, Fake Locke casting the white stone into the ocean from whence it came should do it for you). And after Ilana's "recruiting" comment, we can assume that each side is in the process of picking Kickball teams.

Jacob's Magic Batcave of Symbolic Wonders certainly points us in this direction. Each one of the people who were touched by the Son of Sam Jacob was assigned a number (just like the DMV!) and drawn to the island. There, they are seen as candidates who would presumably replace Jacob as the Keeper of the Island. When would this be? Ominously, dozens of names have lines drawn across them. If I'm Sawyer, I'm not liking this development one bit.

(Also, did I miss it, or did they skip over Kate in the Montage of Candidates? Intentional Omission or Edited for Time? Answers at 11:00!)

And yet Sawyer goes along with it. And it makes sense. He's shattered by grief. He's in his rotting house in Dharmaville, drinking Dharma whiskey -- which, I'll wager, is smoky. Hah! -- and listening to The Stooges in his underwear. It ain't rock bottom, but it's close. I'm really interested to see what the writers do with him. He went from angry asshole to not only a redeemed and loyal family man, but also perhaps the best leader the castaways have ever had (Even in his drunken grief he's the only one who immediately saw that Locke isn't Locke anymore). And now, after his fiancee got blown up in a nuclear explosion, he's tilting to the dark side. Where will he end up?

Of Mice and Men, by the way, is awesome. And I guess Sawyer spoiled it already, so I'll just elaborate on the plot. Lennie was mentally retarded. He and George were working in a farm. There was a cute girl in the farm, married to the farm owner. Lennie accidentally killed her. Lennie was facing a lynch mob, so George decided to spare Lennie the misery and shot him in the back of the head while he looked over yonder. Simplistic recap, yes, but it might be good to know in case it becomes a plot point -- maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I definitely see some parallels with our castaways here. And yes, the cute girl Lennie accidentally kills has blond, curly hair.

Alpert. I always thought there was no worse place to wake up than facedown in a gutter. And then I saw Alpert trussed up like an old cow left to bleed out. He is well on his way to winning the "Most Terrified Person on the Island" award, snatching it away from Frogurt, Arzt, and (justifiably) pregnant Claire. Which leads me to believe that the Locke-ness Monster is really, really bad.

Ironically, everyone has always thought that Alpert knew so much, but it turns out he's just like us viewers. He knows squat. Also, he runs like a girl.

Linus. OK. Raise your hand if you ever thought, "In another life, Ben Linus would have been a history teacher." Anyone? No? I thought so. Nobody would have ever imagined this, but it's strangely perfect. Give him a couple more years and I bet you he'd make an excellent vice-principal.

And it's nice to see he's not one of those passive-aggressive guys who leaves anonymous notes for his officemates excoriating them for their lack of consideration regarding coffee filters. No, he'll just scream at them. Yes, you'll still hate him, but at least he'll be upfront about it.

Island Linus, meanwhile, gave the best eulogy ever at poor Locke's funeral: "John Locke was a believer. A man of faith. He was a far better man than I will ever be. And I'm sorry I murdered him." It ain't Irish wake material, that's for sure (Lapidus had it right when he said it was the weirdest damn funeral he's ever been to. Let's hope so). That said, Linus's voice was cracking and his face was working and in the end he spit out his confession almost as a way to gather himself and move on. Between that and his rediscovery of lying, it seems Ben Linus is finally picking up the pieces and getting himself back together. Good for him. Good for all of us.

Hurley. Something big is on Hurley's horizon. I can feel it. There are so many discrepancies between the Island Hugo and the assured, upbeat box company owner Sideways Hugo. None of them are apparent now, but answers are coming.

I guess this week it was Jack, Kate and the Anothers' turn to sit this one out and take a few plays off. I, however, will bet anyone that we see Jack at least once more this season.