I Don't Understand

Do not read this post unless you have seen last night's episode of Lost because, well, it tells you what happened. I would also tell you not to read this post if you want to find out what happened because, well, I have no clue what happened.

Look, I ain't here to recap the show. Much smarter people with more time on their hands can do that for you.

What I'm going to do is give you my thoughts on what's going on with the show. I would organize this chronologically, but on a show like Lost, that can be a bit confusing. So instead, I'm going to do a little run-through of what I think is happening with each character.

Yes, I know that they are characters even though I will talk about them as if they are real people with motivations instead of plot devices used by an author. So spare me the English major quibbling. Plus, it's fun this way. Remember, without interesting characters, this show would now be about people who travel back in time to a hippie commune.

In any case, this might be a regular feature, or it might not be. Only time will tell. Meanwhile, why don't you follow me down into New Otherton?

Juliet: Well, that sucks. I've made no secret of the fact that she's my favorite female character, partly because she is the only woman on the show without baby mama drama, and also because of her enormous, um, eyes. And now she's dead.

Or perhaps she isn't. Perhaps the sideflashes to the world where Oceanic 815 doesn't crash are the actual reality, and she is sitting in New Otherton, reading a Stephen King book. Of course, in the crash-less world, New Otherton is the lost city of Atlantis, so...

Goddamnit, I guess she's dead. The show gets much less interesting without Juliet.

Jack: Here's how normal people do things:

Guy: We can save your friend, but there might be consequences.
Normal person: What consequences?

Here's how Jack does things:

Guy: We can save your friend, but there might be conseque --
Jack: Do it.

This impulsiveness is what gets people, like Juliet, killed. As a result, it is enormously satisfying to see Sawyer kick Jack in the face.

At this point, Jack is locked in a monumental struggle with Charly from Flowers for Algernon in the battle to see who can become the dumbest in the shortest amount of time. I'd put my money on the doc.

Kate: Of course she puts the moves on Sawyer right after Juliet dies. Maybe a bit of a low blow, but nothing really interesting happened with Kate in the episode. Yes, alterna-Kate escaped from Barney Fife again, but that's nothing new, like alterna-Sayid kicking in doors for no reason.

Sawyer: I like dual storyline because it allows us to see two sides of Sawyer: Smartass Sawyer, who loves the fact that Kate is in handcuffs, and I'm-going-to-shoot-you-in-the-face Sawyer, who really is completely justified in tearing Jack's arm from its socket and beating him to death with it. These two Sawyers can't always coexist, except in this dual storyline, we get the best of both worlds.

Crashless Sawyer also gets the best line of the night.

Security Guy: We have a 341!
Sawyer: Sounds serious. What's a 341?
Security Guy: That's confidential.
Sawyer: If it's confidential, how the hell am I supposed to know if I see one?

Locke: Also dead. After Juliet dying, learning about Locke's death was perhaps the most devastating moment in the episode. The writers had set up Locke to be the most important character in the series -- the Island's savior, in fact -- and given this poor, sad, paralyzed box company employee a purpose in life. And then he gets killed in a lonely hotel room. And now we learn that his last thought, tragically, was: "I don't understand." Oof.

So it seems the Man in Black and Smokey the Monster and Fake Locke are all the same thing. And it seems they want to destroy everyone on the island. And it can't cross through ashes.

Smokey the Monster tearing through the guerrillas? Awesome.

Ben Linus: I liked Ben a lot better when he was a badass manipulating everyone around him. Now? He's running around like a chicken with his head cut off. You have to give it up for Michael Emerson -- he can convey Ben's shock over what just happened using only body language. That scene where he is standing over the fire like a scarecrow who just lost his stuffing? Terrific stuff. But please, writers, return him to his former glory. Remember this?

Jin & Sun: Meh.

Sayid: I have no clue what the hell happened here. Sayid got shot in the stomach, bled like a stuck pig, got tossed around in a hippie bus being driven over jungle terrain, and managed to survive a bullet in his gut for a good few hours. So who can save him? The temple!

We finally get to see the temple, which looks like the set of Legends of the Hidden Temple and which, per temple guidelines, has its own cult. Except this cult is led by Pirate Mr. Miyagi and the late John Lennon. And it has the Eternal Fountain of Youth. Or regeneration, I guess.

The magic fountain seemed to be malfunctioning, failing to close Pirate Miyagi's hand when he went all Wolf Pack on us and cut his own palm. Then Sayid gets drowned by the pirates. And dies. And then he comes back to life. Or is it him? Or is it Jacob? Or Smokey the Monster? And did anybody else think it was ironic that they put the Iraqi in a hole in the ground?

Hurley: Hurley is really getting the hero's edit, isn't he? "Jack, can you save him?" "No." "Then you're going to have to let me do it." Boom. And then taking charge in the Temple of Doom? Boom again. Though I must confess I did think he was accidentally going to shoot Sayid when he was fumbling around with the gun.

Misc: God knows what this sideflash means. Alternate realities? Multiple worlds? Unexplainable time paradox? I won't even venture a guess. But it's good to see Desmond again. Boone appears to be there sans Shannon. For a second, I thought Charlie was saved from death by drowning only so he could die of choking on a heroin bag. And Kate just took a pregnant Claire hostage. That ought to go over well with the D.A.

Oh, also, Frogurt returned! He wasn't Frogurt on fire this time, but there's a lot of season left.