Is there a Kitchen in this Place?

I have never seen a character on TV go from unimpeachable hero to guy you want to kick in the 'nads so quickly. Jack is fiction's answer to John Edwards. I would bet even money on Jack to be redeemed in the end, but this arduous journey of his is starting to become too much. Instead of feeling sorry for the guy and rooting for him to find redemption, I just want Sawyer to kick Jack in the face again.

On to our regularly scheduled analysis.

Jack. Is there a more frustrating character on television? Just when he is at his most humble and on a path to redemption, he gives in to his inner idiot and destroys a pretty nifty magical device that might be of some importance. But we'll get to that in a second.

Sideways Jack has a jackass son, Schroeder David. If I detonated a hydrogen bomb to alter my destiny, and it turns out that in my rebooted life I had a kid, I would immediately go look for another bomb. But that's just me.

Anyhow, in this reality, Jack has a spectacular apartment, but Dad is still dead and missing. He did had a love child by the name of Claire. Finding out that he has a random half-sister who is set to inherit some of the Chief of Medicine's estate does not, of course, faze Jack in the slightest.

Instead, he goes to the conservatory to hear his son play piano. This would have been a nice scene, but I wonder if Jack was as confused as the viewers when the piano faded out and we were treated to soaring violins. WTF, producers? You couldn't dub over the kid with something like Yanni and use clever editing?

Our separate-timelines-are-connected clues for the night? Jack's appendix scar and ensuing confusion. Also, Dogen still has that weird-ass samurai beard.

On to Island Jack. Now we know the reason those guards silently moved away when Jack asked them to. In this temple, candidates outrank samurais. So now we know.

Like I said, every time you think Jack is going to redeem himself, he fails like a dog who keeps running into a sliding glass door. Let's follow the progression:

1. After exploding the bomb and (to his own perception, at least) failing to achieve his goal and managing to kill Juliet and zombify Sayid, Jack sits on a stone, humbled, embarrassed and wondering where the hell everything went wrong.

2. Hurley comes to Jack with a mission. Jack declines. Hurley pulls a Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. Even though it is his fault, Jack agrees to go.

3. Jack confesses that he is still broken. Jack cries. Redemption looms.

4. Jack gets to the lighthouse. It is a magic lighthouse. His name is on the dial. His childhood home is reflected in the enchanted mirrors.

5. So, Jack. Here's a magical device that shows you your past. What do you want to do?

6. HULK SMASH

Yes, clearly Jacob planned this all out and is unconcerned with the destruction of his cordless lighthouse. But Jack doesn't know that. All he knows is, when confronted with something he doesn't understand yet clearly leads to answers, he freaks out and breaks it. You know who else does that? An ape who sees a mirror for the first time.

Sigh.

Oh, and in case you were counting, the "Jack cries" drinking rule netted us three drinks this episode.

Hurley. I can't make up my mind as to whether he's taken the leadership position or has just become the John to Jacob's Jesus. Thanks to Jacob's detailed instruction manual written -- shout-out to Sarah Palin! -- on Hurley's admittedly expansive forearm (the random tic-tac-toe via props game leads me to believe there is no paper on the Island), Hurley and Jack were able to have an Excellent Adventure.

Hurley, by walking all over the Island, finding a lighthouse, and and turning the mirrors to exactly 108 degrees, seems to be stuck playing a game of Myst. That lighthouse was interesting indeed. How come we never saw it before? Because the writers didn't need it before. Despite that, it's purpose seems clear. Besides reflecting what's on the inside of stupid doctors, it seems to lure ships to the Island. Who is on the ships? Remember that dozens of names are crossed out and only five remain. Perhaps Jacob is hedging his bets.

Hurley was bursting with awesome lines this episode. Calling the Anothers "Samurais" was awesome. "He's kind of dead, dude," was a winner. "He appears when he wants to, like Obi-wan Kenobi," was good too. But, "Jack broke your lighthouse, dude!" has to take the cake.

Claire. Wow. She has gone absolutely INSANE. Not Jack insane, but "I will eat your babies, bitch!" insane. I can't say I really blame her. Having your baby stolen, being tortured and branded by the Anothers, and going feral while living alone in the jungle for three years will do that to you.

Still. Wow. Every time they did a close-up, Claire's pretty blue eyes shone with madness. So how is she crazy? Let us count the ways.

1. The Baby's Crib. This might just edge out Boone and Shannon having sex for creepiest Lost scene ever. Was that a polar bear skull? What was with the rotted mosquito net? Was the body made of fur pelts? This "baybee" will replace the whale in my nightmares for a long time.

2. You're still my friend, aren't you? Every time a woman asks you a question in that tone of voice, one part sing-songy, two parts crazy eyes, you better say yes. Remember this girl? She just had rubbing alcohol. Claire had a hatchet behind her. If I'm Jin, the only answer is, you're my best friend!

3. My friend, the smoke monster. The way she said "my friend" reminded me of how that kid in third grade used to refer to his best buddy, Chuckles the Invisible Clown.

4. The old hatchet to the ribs. Yep. That'll do it. Claire, you now outrank the Locke-ness Monster in the Scariest Person on the Island rankings. Well earned.

For the record, I, for one, am very much looking forward to the upcoming Kate-Claire fight. Here's hoping they use a mud-patch as a ring.

Jin. Thanks to Jin's bear trap, this episode turned into ER for a few unbearable oh-God-please-get-those-open-wounds-off-my-TV-screen minutes. Perhaps it was the blood loss, but why on Earth did Jin not immediately tell Claire, "yo, Kate has your baby because she is a baby-snatcher" is beyond me. She ain't going to kill you, Jin. She's going to kill Kate. Waiting until the umpteenth hatchet wind-up is bad for everyone's health.

Also, kudos to Jin for continuing the fine male tradition of lying to a girl so she won't kill you. Unfortunately, this tends to backfire.

Kate. Remember that scene in American Pie where the nerds come to Stifler's house, and he opens the door, and they says they're here for the party, and Stifler says, "There's no party here." "Really?" they ask. "It sounds like there's a party in here." Stifler takes a beer from someone and sips it. "No," he says. "There's no party here."

The part of the nerds was played by Kate. She is not invited.

Also, Hurley, you didn't cockblock Jack. Jack cockblocked himself.