Today I opened my mailbox to find a letter from you fine people, asking me to renew my membership with your organization.
At first blush, I was a trifle offended. Yes, I recently hit a milestone birthday. Yes, in three months, I will never be a student again. Yes, I often eat my dinner at 4 p.m. The first one, at least.
But then I realized, old people would never make fun of me. At least not to my face. So yours must be a sincere offer. And I will treat it as such.
Unfortunately, while flattered, I'm afraid I must alert you to the fact that you are about 40 years too early to this party.
Much like people count tree rings to find out just how old that elm was that they just cut down, you must have gauged my age by looking at the mileage on my liver.
And this is a common mistake. Despite the wear and tear on this body, I am but 25 years old
I especially regret declining on account of the free gift that you offer to those who renew. Although you call a travel bag what others would call a fanny pack, it looks rather nifty. And I'm sure I could put it to great use, perhaps carrying my pills, or an extra pair of teeth. And that slot in front that holds ID, so that kind strangers will deliver you back home should they find you wandering around aimlessly? Brilliant. I would use it at the next bar crawl and toast to it.
But I cannot accept this gift, because to do so would be to deprive an actual old person of a fanny pack. And I may do a lot of bad things, but I do not steal from old people.
In any case, thank you again for your kind offer. And please accept my regrets on account of my refusal. I'm sure you understand.
Cordially,
Me
P.S. You mention in the form that you will help look for long-term health insurance. Given your target audience, um, shouldn't you shift the focus just a tad?
PPS. Can I subscribe to AARP The Magazine? Does it come in anything other than Large Print?
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