The Only Beer we Have to Fear

Today, Brobama, Skip Gates, and Sgt. Jim Crowley will sit at a picnic table and try to hash out Gatesgate over the most scrutinized, "why don't we all just sit down and have a beer" session since FDR, Churchill, and Stalin had Jager bombs at Yalta.

I must admit to be troubled by this whole arrangement. No, not the fairly ludicrous idea that an unfortunate set of escalating circumstances suddenly has to be mediated by the president in his backyard, like an angry grade-school principal resolving a dispute over the ownership of a pen that shows you a naked lady when you tilt it just so.

Although I have to say that I would have loved to sit with the President to resolve the disagreement I had with the Ithaca police over the meaning of "noise," it is rarely worth it, in my experience, to make a federal case out of it. Which is precisely what is happening now.

No, what really bothers me is the choice of beer for such an occasion. Now, I'm the last guy who wants to tell a fellow what to drink. If Gates likes Red Stripe and Crowley likes Blue Moon, that's fine. Good beers both, so God Bless.

But Obama wants Bud Light? Seriously? He knows he's not a baseball game on Fox and doesn't have to cotton to the sponsor, right? He can have whatever he wants?

He does? Bud Light? Really?

“He’s trying to send a message that he’s an average American and these are two other average Americans,” said Matt Mackowiak, a Republican strategist. “If you complicate that by making an exotic choice, or an import, or too expensive, you can be too cute by half.”

Oh, fuck that!

Bud Light is fine in the following circumstances: 1) The drinking game you're playing requires chugging. 2) You're too drunk lazy car-less to go to a more respectable beer purveyor than the 7/11 across the street. 3) It's less than $3.00 at the bar. 4) Nothing else is left.

Brobama, you're in your house. And you're the motherfracking president of America. You don't have to drink what I drink when it's two in the morning and all I can find are a couple of crumpled dollar bills in my pocket.

You are the most powerful man in the world! You command an army! Grown, rational men will take a bullet for you! And you're going to settle for Bud Light? When you can have kegs of Spaten? A tap of Chimay? Sam Adams Utopia brewed specifically for your evening meals? And you're going to have Bud fricking Light?

(Rage blackout)

(Composes himself)

Look. I get it. After the Dijon debacle and the sneers you got for liking arugula and those rumors that you hate beer because you only love its hoity-toity cousin, the wine bottle, you need to connect with the "average American."

But the "average American," given the choice, wouldn't choose Bud Light if they could choose any other beer in the world. People aren't thinking, "Cool, the president is drinking Bud Light." They're thinking, "Really? Why would the president drink Bud Light?"

Like I said, I don't presume to tell the President what to like, but if you see someone go for the meatloaf instead of the steak, you'd tell them, right?

Here's what I'm going to do. Mr. President, I'm going to steal a car (an offense which I hope you will pardon), and drive down to DC. On the way, I'll stop at a liquor store and buy 2 each of fifty different beers -- one for each state. Then I'll come to the White House and we'll sit and we'll drink and we won't stop until they're all gone and you and I appreciate all the wonders beer has to offer.

America, nothing is going to get done between here and, um, maybe Monday. You've been warned.