American Sexpress

Here's a good way to make your wallet explode like George Costanza's. From DI comes this report of a company in NYC peddling sexual health certification cards. Apparently, if your date for the evening becomes dubious of your sexual history, you can whip this baby out (taking care not to also accidentally extract the condom behind it) and prove to her, once and for all, that her doubt, although understandable, should never have existed in the first place.

I wonder if these things come with all the perks that credit cards have. I wonder if there's a credit rating. You could get a clean bill of health and a Centurion card. Or you could have the AIDS (see below), which would be the rough equivalent of Diner's Club.

And what are the rewards? Vacations to club med? A DVD set of HBO's Real Sex? Do they have member's clubs at airports? Outside of Thailand, would those even be legal?

Wouldn't they also expire after you use them once? No method of prevention is 100 percent fool-proof, right? And noticing the date on your card can't go anywhere good. Let's say your date notices the date on your card, and that date was a year ago. Now, she can think only two things:

1) This guy hasn't been laid in two years? What's wrong with him? or
2) This guy hasn't updated this thing for two years? God, where has he been?

And then she's "going to the bathroom," you're replacing your Sex Credential in your wallet and noticing that the condom in your wallet is expired. By that point, you might as well go audition for that long-awaited sequel, The Forty-Two Year Old Virgin.