Slim Gym

Today, the NYT laments the state of today's gym. Specifically, they curse today's slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am culture and pine for the days when people at the gym would work out in groups and hit on each other.

I've never quite understood the idea of gyms as pick-up spots. Sure, I'd love to hit on the certain blonde Red Sox reporter who occasionally frequents my gym. But I firmly believe in the canonic advice of Do's and Dont's of Approaching women. Specifically, Rule #76, otherwise known as the Please Don't Approach Me While I'm Disgusting and Sweaty command.

Look, if you're having a conversation with a woman when she's sweaty and out of breath, you should either a) congratulate yourself on a mission well accomplished or b) stop chasing her. As your attorney, I would advise you to comply with the latter suggestion immediately.

The industrial gymnasium complex connects the decline in sales to a decline in socializing, blaming "the gym’s now-ubiquitous flat-screen TVs and the fact that iPods are de rigueur."

But I ask these people to understand that if I unplug myself from my iPod, I'm forced to listen to Staci from Long Island's telephone conversations about which woman on The Bachelor has degraded herself the most before she seamlessly segues into the details of her application video for the show's next iteration. Somehow, I think my workout experience is much more pleasant and efficient if I listen to MGMT instead.

The article also paints those who just pop into the gym, work out quietly, and then leave as some sort of puppy killers. Somehow, the ones who put their head down, mind their own business and move on are the biggest problem that gyms face. You can almost hear the guy sobbing when he says, “It’s merely four walls to come in, work out and leave.”

Well. Yes. That's exactly what a gym is. That's the service it provides. It's like being angry with a sandwich because it's just ham and cheese between two slices of bread.

Or saying a movie theater is doing it wrong because it's only four walls to come in, watch a movie, and leave.

Look, the bells and whistles are nice, and may keep the ADD Generation coming back. But all I'm trying to at the gym do is temper the beer belly, beat up on my muscular system, and give my upper dorsamus the love and attention it deserves.