Signed, Sealed, Beleaguered

After thousands of years, astronomers and astrologers buried the hatchet and came together to announce that the Earth tends to move in one way and the stars tend to move in another way. The resulting issue is that the stars yesterday are not quite in exactly the same position as they are now. Extrapolate this over hundreds of years and you come to the conclusion that the Zodiac isn't quite what it used to be.

Apparently, almost everyone's astrological sign has now changed. Which makes sense, because my horoscope was always wrong.

As someone who made all decisions based on his horoscope, this is particularly devastating. Every morning I would open my newspaper to consider what astrological scientists had to say regarding whether or not I should leave the house, whether I should go to school, whether I should talk to that girl, whether I should bet against the spread, and a dozen other life-changing questions like that.

You can take your logic and your reason, empiricists. Me, I'm happy with Miss Cleo.

Perhaps worst of all is what this means for compatibility issues. For years I based my love life on the astrological compatibility tables, believing that this was the one and only path to true love.

When I was asking girls whether they were American, this was also a way for me to subtly inquire about when they were born.

Yes, you might look like what happened if Megan Fox's body also included Tina Fey's brain, but if you were a Gemini, then there's nothing we can do together. After all, my critical nature and penchant for self-organization would clash fatally with your desire for introspection and tendency towards flakiness.

And the girl of my dreams is a Libra, but it doesn't matter that she's desperately in love with me because we only rank a 2 out of 5 in the compatibility scales. This love can never be.

Now that I know that I have been living a lie for years, I am lost and angry and confused. How many times have I made the wrong decision or destroyed a healthy relationship because of predictions couched in vague language and generalized abstractions? How many times?

What am I to do? How am I to proceed?

To the horoscope, the one constant in my life!

"Your mood and attitude is conciliatory, and your need for love and approval heightened. Social gatherings and personal relationships are favored."

Oh my God, that makes so much sense.